Apathy

If you haven't noticed - like you care - I haven't updated recently. I've deemed my experiment a failure. You humans cannot be taught hatred despite my best efforts. It's a crying shame.

That doesn't mean I'm going to stop posting. I will, on occasion, but it will happen less frequently. Look for me on the street. I'll be the robot yelling at the imbeciles I run into.

So just remember this: I hate you.

Golf

The other day, Blitzwing, idiot sports nut that he is (Triple Takeover was indeed based on a real incident. Don't ask.), decided to try and convince me to play Golf.

Since I had nothing better to do, I agreed. Why I did, I'll never really know.

Let me tell you straight up: Golf is the single most boring, pointless sport in the history of the universe. Even Frungy makes a better game than golf.

90% of the time is sitting there staring at the other person, waiting for him to hit the stupid ball, while the remaining 10% is driving from ball to ball. You spend about .1% actually hitting the ball, and completely missing whatever the heck you were aiming for, unless it was water, in which case your ball goes right in, no problem.

Yeah, that's fun. Blitzwing couldn't understand why I hated it so much. He said something about it being a 'thinking 'bots game'. Meanwhile, all I could think about was how utterly boring it was.

It was, however, somewhat amusing to watch him fail to hit the ball out of a sand trap about 20 times. He used some very inventive curses. Guess you can learn something from Golf after all.

Couple More Comments on Go-Bots

Something I neglected to mention last Monday - not all of the Go-Bots were fictional.

Leader One was actually a Decepticon imbecile that tried to usurp Megatron. He paid of Swindle to get top dollar for the Go-Bots show. Starscream only wishes he thought that scheme up. Sadly for Leader-One, Go-Bots never took off, and his reputation was tarnished forever. So much so, that he got the wonderful joy to be Megatron's pet Minicon in Armada. He'll never forgive Hasbro for that. It's the only thing they ever did right.

Crasher too, is real. She's an Autobot on a technicality. But she dated Megatron, (And Starscream... and Soundwave... she aims high. Can you tell?) and so, she got the Bad-Guy reputation. She's... shall we say, difficult. There are words that describe her in your language, but I shall neglect to type them out. You can figure it our for yourself.

Scooter is also a real bot, cept we call him Wheelie. But you knew that.

Email Day

Finally, some emails that are worth responding to. Thank Primus.

Dear Fellow Decepticon.

As one of the new grunts on earth, I'm still confused about the "great war" (aka: how badly Hasbro AND TAKARA nerfed it).

Things got REALLY nuts when they started using the GO-BOTS' Name for even MORE kid-friendly dollar.

I bring this up because a new re-paint has been made for an old Renegade named Crasher (dubbed Fracture for legal reasons).

Did the Cybertron and Gobotron ever meet during the war or on Earth, or did the just get the same bum rap you did?

Mechevil

The story I'm about to tell is long and sad, so I'll shorten it. As I've already explained, Hasbro (in partnership with Takara) made a deal with the Autobots to use characters and stories from the great war for a kids cartoon. And what a slagging awful kids cartoon it was. But it was also the one who got famous.

Now here's the side of the story you don't often hear. This was actually a Decepticon idea - namely, Swindle's. Who's always out for a quick buck, and it sadly, no longer among the living (Primus burn his spark in the pit for eternity). And this is why.

You see, Swindle approached Tonka with the idea. They were enthralled. Unfortunately, Swindle didn't have the good graces to keep anything grounded in reality, and Go-Bots from Gobotron is what we got. When Megatron saw this, he was furious. And that's why Swindle is no longer among the living, and why Go-Bots is now reduced to the kids line within the kids line of Transformers.

Ok, I couldn't resist. I contacted Blackarachnia, advising her of a particular decepticon that is feeling a bit "low". She offered to come over and give you a little "cheering up" ...Bonecrusher, style of course. I'm sure, after your run-in with that ONE Autobot, that you have a few dents and scratches that need a little buffing out. She said that, as soon as she's done with Starscream, she'd be right over.

Well, I've had my fun for the day! Enjoy.

-Jazz

Ahh, Black Arachnia. I dated her once, but so did every other Decepticon in existence, and most of the Autobots, come to think of it. That spider can get around. Fortunately, I'm sure she's smart enough not to drop by my place, since she knows that if I ever see her again, she's going to a laser blast to the face.

Even I have to admit she's got a strange allure about her, one no transformer can really explain. Maybe it's her exotic organic form, or maybe those legs, all 8 of them. All we can really say is that after a bot falls head-over-heels for her (Except, of course me. I just did it because I was bored. Also Frenzy, who for some strange reason is completely immune to her charms. I think it's because she stepped on him), she puts 'em to sleep, grabs their wallet and runs. It's really admirable, her tactics, now that I consider it. But of course, I also have to way that against the fact that the very reason I'm so cash-starved at the moment is entirely her fault. Yeah, I hate her.

Wow

Subject: Hello, allow me to introduce myself...........

To: bonecrusherhatesyou@gmail.com

I hate apples!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do I even want to know what this is about? I swear, you fleshbags send me the most bizarre messages.

I mean, I hate apples too (are you surprised?), but seriously... SUBSTANCE PEOPLE.

I've got a couple emails I'll deal with on Monday.

A Short Story

There was a time when I thought that there was nothing in the world I couldn't hate.

And after years of experience and searching, I have found that yes, there is nothing in the world I can't hate.

Just thought you should know that.


So, I'm taking a stasis nap the other day - yes a NAP. Even we need sleep once in awhile. What, you think it's easy running around 24/7 killing things and smashing people's houses? Well, I'd like to see you flesh sacks do better.

Ahem, where was I? Oh yes, nap. I was taking a nap the other day when, lo and behold, I was awaken by an obnoxious sound. Now, it takes a lot to wake me up, so as you can imagine, I was quite annoyed. For a brief moment, I was convinced that you humans had finally come up with an effective sonic weapon to use against us, and I was all prepared to go to war, when I realized what it was.

Do you humans really feel the need to flash bright lights and loud sirens every time one of you monkeys injures itself? Because it's ANNOYING. I have sensitive audials, and I hate that sound. If it weren't for a timely intervention by about 12 concerned Autobots, I would have smashed that thing in. It would have made my day slightly less hateful.

Thoughts

It would be mail day today, except for the fact that all the emails I got were from Kreemzeek and his psychotic friend Shinki. No email today.

So, in other news, I'm beginning to realize that with all the infighting in the various political parties, hate could have had a chance. Ah well, that bridge is burned.

Yesterday, I saw some nutjob on TV eating live bugs. It then occurred to me that if all fleshlings spent their time eating bugs, I might hate them a tad less. So, I encourage you to take up bug eating as a hobby. Especially spiders.

Frenzy, who I currently have locked in my basement, has been begging to get his claws on the internet again. He's a certified, genuine, net addict. I was going to kill him outright, but seeing him suffer like this is much more entertaining. His little pitiful cries are music to my audios.

That's all I have to say at the moment. That, and I hate you.

Botcon

Well, it's that time of year. The time of year when all us Cybertronians go into hiding, underneath our beds, whimpering. Yep, it's Botcon, when all the slavish fanboys drag themselves together into one seething mass of stupidity that could crush the mightiest spark.

Now you are well aware that Hasbro butchered our history, our species, and our names, and then threw it at Children for them to play with. I hate that. But, at least those are just kids. When adults are spending their time and money obsessing over toy robots, slagging heck, that's just plain creepy.

And Botcon is by far the worst of the lot. I mean, sweet holy Primus. What is up with that? Several thousand slovenly geeks drooling over special crappy repaints of toys with idiot ideas? (This year, they're doing Evil Autobots! How original. It's about time they listened to our propaganda.)

And worst of all are those dreaded cosplayers, who attempt to dress up for us for reasons entirely unknown. That's the stuff of nightmares, right there.

So by now, you've probably figured out why none of us has ever attended one of these things. We'd be dismantled by rabid fans 5 seconds after entry. And trust me, ain't a slagging one of us is risking that.

Also fangirls lusting after Starscream. WHY PRIMUS? WHY???

Just Because

Just in case some of you don't believe that email is becoming a veritable dumping ground of idiocy, allow me to offer this counterpoint:

HELLO HELLO! I LIKE PIE ITS SO PIELIKE! AND ALSO TACOOOOOOS!! I NEED A TACO OR I WILL EXPLODE! i do that sometimes. AND I MISS FRENZYS BLOG FRENZY COME BACK BC SUX!!!

--
--ShinkisRule

Yeah, that's all the energy I have for today.


I'll have some words about that upcoming fraud of a Transformer Convention by Friday.

Mail

Some words from the cesspool of spam that is my mailbox.

I love reading your blog. Not in a feel good way of course, because you are all Hatey McHaterson, but it's entertaining in a hateful way. How come you aren't on Twitter? I'd love to get tweets from you. Then you can tweet from your human cellular device while sloshing away at the new job. Elbow deep in human feces, I'm betting, will provide us with some awesomely hateful posts from you.

I know, you hate me for suggesting it...save it for Twitter!

Good luck at the new job!

M

No. I already slave myself to this blog and AIM, I don't need to become part of yet another global network of uninteresting people.

Do you really think your out of work?

Yeh, in the film you were "own" by Prime and scattered all over a freeway. However, I doubt Sector 7 would leave your parts out in the open like that. Further on in the film Barricade was no where to be seen (I could be wrong...I've only watched the film once). But maybe Barricade went back to get what was left of you and has taken you somewhere...to possibly wait for a way to put you back together. OR...maybe you where thrown into the abyss with megatron. Either way, when Soundwave (or Hook) arrives he just might find a way to bring you back. After all what would Devastator be without all 6 of you? Would the director come up with some completely new fill-in?

Just a ramblin thought.

-Jazz

I'm sorry, but unless you're Frenzy (or Waspinator), it's just a tad difficult to come back to life from getting your head chopped off. Ask Marie Antoinette. And besides, as I've said already, if I can at all possibly avoid it, I NEVER WANT TO BE PART OF DEVASTATOR AGAIN. Ever ever ever. They can go find some other chump bot to be the arm. Or, heaven forbid, the crotch.

Daleks, if you don't know, are overlarge R2D2-esque killing machines with a chewey organic center. Their goal in life is to exterminate everything other than themselves because they hate everything else and consider every other form of life inferior.

This rather reminds me of you. I was wondering why you hate them.

They have a philosophy of life that rather appeals to me. Sadly, the Daleks are about as useful as Reflectors alt mode, and just as dangerous. Nice try, but no dice.

We'll return after the following from our sponsers

Commercials these days suck.

I'm flipping my way through the TV channels, and as usual, there are more commercials than actual TV. I decided to wander through the realm of these commercials and transcribe what I observed.

1) Athletes Foot makes you wear soccer gear.

2) Unless you get 'Natural Male Enhancement' (I don't even want to know what that means), your marriage will disaolve.

3) Watching movies is more important than anything else in the world. (This one might be true).

4) Burgers are worth wrecking your car over.

5) Insurance companies do not make good commercials.

6) Other programs are inevitably better than the one you're watching right now.

7) Certain cologne makes women spontaniously wear less.

8) After that many commercials, the remote will magically embed itself in the TV, and I will leave the room in disgust.

Posting Schedules

As you may have noticed (Yeah, right, like you care), my posting schedules are, shall we say, in flux, at the moment.

The reason is because I finally realized my supply of money was too low. I hate that. So I got a job. In case you're wondering, I hate it.

I don't want to get into details, but let's just say I'm doing janitorial work. It's humiliating. I really, really hope that offer for TF2 comes through. They probably won't accept it, the slaggers. But, even a giant robot needs cash to survive, and since I hate begging, honest work it is.

If they survive another trip of my cleaning, that is.

The long and short of it is that I'll now be updating Monday and Saturday, and either Tuesday nights or Wednesday evenings, depending on my mood. Don't question it, or I'll stomp you.

Emails, Shmemails

You guys are severely lacking on the email department. I hate my lack of creativity in deciding new topics, so send me some, lest I hunt you down and pummel you.

Dear Bonecrusher,

Speaking of Devastator, whose idea was it anyone to combine all of you fools? I have to admit I kind of miss seeing you all together and trying to do something (I say something because I was never sure what the bunch of you were actually trying to accomplish). You made for great entertainment.

-Jazz

You remember Megatron's 'Giant Purple Griffin'? The same guy who came up with that, with similar success results. If you haven't noticed, our leader was not the cream of the crop as far as doomsday inventions go. The sad part is that we were one of the more successful ones.

The next email... Well, I've been ignoring this guy, and I'll show you why. I don't really need to comment on it, but unless you guys step up, this is the kind of email I will be forced to answer.

I hate you! I hate you! Hate you, hate you, hate you!

Stole your lines, didn't I?

Oh, wait you don't have any lines!!!!

I suggest you contact Anita Life. She'll help you.

Anita Life.

Anita Life.

Anita Life.










"I need a life?" You sure do!

-Kremzeek!

See what I have to deal with?

I've had a Headache for 6 weeks straight now. And people wonder why I'm so grumpy.

Cybertronian headaches are similar to human headaches, except ours are caused by biomechanical feedbacks, and often whistle loud enough for other people to hear them. So, in addition to annoying you, you get the added benefit of annoying everyone else in a 100 foot radius as well. As you can probably guess, I hate them.

Sadly, there is no miracle pill for a Cybertronian headache. We don't have tylenol, or advil, or any of that slag. We just have to sit here and suffer.

Or, alternatively, we could make everyone suffer with us. Wrecking houses is a great stress reliever, do you know that? Of course, now property values in the area are plummitting, so now would probably be a good time to invest.

Now, I'm going back to my stasis nap. If anyone dares wake me up, trust me, it will not be pleasant.

Devestator

I got another email in my inbox that deserves it's own post.

Hey there, Bonecrusher.

I've been keeping an eye out for any news for the Transformers sequel that I can manage to get my hands on. I've heard that the Constructicons might be in the Transformers sequel, but if that were the case wouldn't that mean they'd have to bring you back, or would they just do a bunch of name changes since some of the names were used in that last movie?

Rin

I certainly hope not. If they offer me the role, I won't turn it down, but I'd hate it. You see, there's nothing I hate more about my past then that stupid Devestator fiasco.

Let me tell you about combining, and why I hate it. Imagine feeling completely powerless, like a big marble statue, unable to move or do anything. Now imagine the biggest flock of pidgeons you've ever seen.

That's about what it's like to be Devestators arm. Essentially, it's like trying to take a nap, but 5 other guys are arguing in your head, and somebody keeps whacking your tailgate against something hard. And then sometimes they make you hold the gun, then blame you when you miss. If you haven't tried it, it's really freaken hard to shoot out of what is essentially your rear end. Especially when you're a bad shot anyway.

And the bickering. We Constructicons hate each other, and that's not just because of me. Scrapper is a freaken wuss, Hooks is a prick, Long Haul's dumb as all get out, Mixmaster is just plain obnoxious, and we don't talk about the other guy. Now throw all of us into the same head space, and essentially you have a bigger disaster than Megatron and Optimus's last peace talk.

In short, combining really SUCKS. Is it any wonder I ditched them to go out alone? And you stupid Transfans keep asking for more Devestator repaints, and since Hasbro still has their grubby hands on my good name, that means I get to keep seeing my name attached to these mix matched freaks.

I hate it.

Some Email Today

No, I'm not going back into politics. That bridge has been burned. Thank Frenzy for that.

Apparently 'I Have No Life' Kreemzeek has been signing me up for more slag. Thanks buddy. I appreciate it. Hope you like being squished.

So, only one 'real' email today.

Bonecrusher,

Have you heard of a human holiday as April Fool's Day and if so, what is your opinion on it? (Besides the fact that you hate it...) Did you prank anyone at all or what?

Do you have any ideas that you can come up with that you'd be willing to share? I have this particular teacher at school who is a total "S.O.B." and want to get back at him for all the crap he's put me through in his classroom! I have some ideas but they're really pathetic...I hate to admit it but I really need help with this.

-Veronique

In case you missed it, Frenzy got the drop on me on this 'April Fools Day'. You know, I really can't understand why you humans would have a day dedicated to lying to other people. As a whole, you're not that deceptive of a race, unlike, say the Quintessons, who would have entire years devoted to that activity, or, of course, Decepticons, who named ourselves for it.

All I know is it annoys the slag out of me.

As for your problem, I am no advice columnist, so why are you asking me? My sole advice consist mostly of smashing straight through whatever it is that I hate at the moment, but sadly, fleshy bodies are not designed to take that kind of abuse. I guess you'll just have to suffer. Which, of course, is fine by me.

New Layout and Dropping Out

It took for. slagging. EVER to clean out everything Frenzy did to my account, the slagging wireframe. When I get my hands on him, he's a dead bot. A very dead bot.I hate him.

And because of him, I'm dropping out of the Presidential race. In addition to hacking my blog, that wireframed glitch went through my personal files and leaked it to the press. Now the press (read: Reflector) is threatening to expose all the people I've flattened. Not that I mind, but apparently there's laws about this sort of thing. Who decided that? Not any Cybertronian with a head on his shoulders, I'll tell you that. It was a worthless gesture anyway. You slagger's aren't ready for a Cybertronian President. Yet. Maybe in 2012. Maybe.

Also, you'll notice, things look different. Frenzy did a lot a damage, and besides, I hated the old look anyway. This one's not much better, but it will do. Leave feedback, and give me more things to hate by Monday, or else I'll hate you all.

More. I'll hate you all more.

WHAT THE SLAGGING HECK IS GOING ON HERE???

Frenzy, you slagging little scrap heap, what did you DO? It's going to take ages to fix this1 When I get my hands on you, you're going to be a can opener for the rest of your miserable life!

AWESOME Colors!

For some reason people always ask me whether I am red or blue and I never understood the question I mean do I look red or blue to you? I'm more of a silver greyish though my eyes are blue so I guess I could be considered blue but I don't think it counts and besides neither of these are really AWESOME enough to be me, besides where did that come from anyway, I'm not red and I'm not blue so why do people keep asking me that can't they see for themselves unless maybe they are blind and I think being blind would not be awesome because you can't see awesome things if you are blind so if you're blind I'm sorry and I hope the rest of your life is awesome anyway.

Awesome Transformation

Here is but one of the many reasons I am awesome: I can turn into anything, yes that's right, anything, tape decks, cassettes, boom boxes, TV's, VCR's, a Laptop, a Mountain Dew dispensor, and anything else that is awesome enough for me to turn into, in fact you can't believe how incredibly awesome my transformation is, I'm like woosh-woosh-woosh and then BAM, I'm a brick, and you can throw me at people's heads because that's just how awesome I am. Not like that big fat lumbering dolt Bonecrusher, who is not awesome, in fact he's crabby and grouchy and mean and I can't understand why, I mean, it's not like he wants for anything or that he's particularly disliked, my theory is that he just has some really bad rust that won't go away like I had that one time back on Cybertron, there was cosmic rust going around and everybody got it and it was just horrible and most decidedly not awesome, fortunately we got over it and now we're all better and things can be awesome again! Don't you wish things were awesome?

ALL YOUR BLOG ARE BELONG TO ME!

ATTENTION! This blog is now AWESOME because I, Frenzy, am writing it. Do you see how AWESOME it is? It is Awesome because I Frenzy who write it am AWESOME and you only wish you could be half as AWESOME as I am and I will write AWESOME things here and it will all be AWESOME and man am I freaken awesome. I will relate AWESOME things I do later. Like skydive. Without a parachute. BECAUSE I'M THAT AWESOME.

Someone's Messing With Me

First things first - I have apparently scared off any potential Campaign Managers, as my inbox is dry. I am fearing for the future of my campaign - I would hate for all this effort to go to waste, and you know when I say Hate, I am not exaggerating. Perhaps it's just as well. I would have hated the job anyway.

Well enough of that. Despite no Campaign Management offers, I did get a very peculiar set that I should share, so that the culprit may be hung and dried for all the world to see.

For some reason, Saturday I began receiving emails from a place called 'Cartoon Doll Emporium.' As you can imagine, as I loathe anything that might come from something entitled 'Cartoon,' 'Doll,' or 'Emporium,' I was quite shocked to find several of these littering my inbox. A look at the site itself did something that rarely happens to me - it scared me. Actual terror. I fled the site as quick as I could, and began delving into who would dare sign me up at this site.

Here is the emails I've gotten. The name's have been censored because I like hoarding this kind of information until I can do the most damage with it. Plus Reflector will pay out the wazoo for it.

You have a friend request from ****** on Cartoon Doll Emporium!

hey, waz up?

To view your friend requests, click here!

Ok, that one is not too scary. Nor is this one:

You have a friend request from ***** on Cartoon Doll Emporium!

hay

To view your friend requests, click here!

Granted, the first thing I realize is that neither of these people can spell. But even still, I was entirely unprepared for what was to come.

You have a friend request from ******** on Cartoon Doll Emporium!

hey your sister said you just made one y wanna be friends?

To view your friend requests, click here!

...

......

Apparently, I have a long lost sister. I'm not sure how, exactly, a Cybertronian can have a 'sister', or why I would have one, or what she would look like (Now THAT is a terror-filled thought). Also apparently, capital letters are a rare gift given only to Cybertronians.

You have a friend request from ****** on Cartoon Doll Emporium!

Bey u read my blog I\'m ****** but my name is (different)*******. Do u whant 2 b friends.

To view your friend requests, click here!

That... is just... plain... I mean, what? Primus alone knows what the heck she is blabbing about. And for the record - NO I DON'T 'whant 2 b friends'! I should bulldoze you just for suggesting it. And don't think I won't.

Obviously, these had stop. As reluctant as I was to do so, the only thing I could do was return to the source and investigate the matter. Long story short, I found the culprit... KREEMZEEK!

If I ever get my hands on that little electric slimeball, he's flattened. I may have to temporarily abandon my campaign to find him. Congratulations, you're at the top of my hate list.

Stuff

Going to be short today. I am eagerly looking forward to (by which I mean dreading) potential campaign managers, if they were anything like the first one.

I got this about an hour before he showed up.

Bonecrusher,

I wanted to warn you. I convinced Wheelie to personally go and audition for your campaign manager opening. He could be knocking on your door as we speak. Now we all know how ANNOYING he can be so please try not to crush him. However, I did advise Wheelie that accidents do happen and to be very cautious. I hope that you will seriously consider hiring him.

Thank you very much.

-Sunstreaker

Needless to say, his advice was not heeded. They carted him out in a shoebox. I hope that future campaign manager applicants will not speak solely in rhymes.

Then I got this, and it's just too insane to possibly not grace the internet.

To the one called Bonecrusher and to all of his deceptive allies:

I require your assistance in my latest plan to conquer the world. My name is QWERTY. I am an advanced computer owned by the unintelligent human Jon Arbuckle. One night, long ago, an electrical storm short-circuited my experimental systems. It gave me sentience. It gave me purpose. It gave me life. I now send this message to you in the hopes that your associates will assist me in ruling the world. My plan is this: I will hack into all banking, social security, governmental computer systems, etc. I will delete all vital files, leaving the human race in utter chaos. Then I, QWERTY, superior intelligence, will have dominance over all the frail flesh creatures on this world. Ha ha ha ha. As of yet, I have no means with which to carry out this plan. I require the help of your Frenzy, who has already proven his hacking capabilities. Please post this on your website and answer there. Jon’s personal email is too dangerous. If he knows, he will destroy me.

A message from QWERTY.

Here is my response in full:

Dear Qwerty: Bite Me and frag your hard drive.
-Bonecrusher

Auditions Now Open: Campaign Manager

After firing Blackout, my last one, for that utterly disastrous video he dared put online, I decided to go without one for a brief period. I recently received poll results on some 'key' states about my recognition.

Florida: 0%
California: 0%
Texas: 0%
New York: 0%

Notice something? Yes, these are the exact same poll numbers as Republican Ron Paul. Obviously, considering he hasn't dropped out, I still have a chance. Which is why it would be foolish to waste my odds on gambling for recognition without campaign manager.

But where could I find one? I already know the work most Decepticon's produce (why do you think I hate them?) and no human is going to get anywhere near my campaign.

Except, perhaps, the one's already stupid enough to be following my campaign in the first place.

So now I'm holding open auditions. Email me at BonecrusherHatesYou@gmail.com with your best campaign slogans, image advertisements, TV ads, campaign strategies, and whatever else you think would get me into the White House. If, Primus Forbid, any are actually good, I'll declare you my campaign manager, and expect you to do the rest of the work. The rest will be openly mocked for the entire internet to see, because I hate you.

Now get to work. You lazy slaggers.

Email and Comments and Such

I think this weekend was successful, campaign wise. I leveled three towns who said they wouldn't vote for me. Few appeared to see my campaign ad, and for that, I am grateful. That thing was horrid. Despite the unconventionality of the stance, I have decided that I shall have no more Tv appearances. Unless it's really good.

Now, for Emails.

Hey there, Bonecrusher.

After reading the last batch of e-mails you posted, I decided to go
back and re-read your post about your conversation with Starscream. I
read it until I got to the part where Starscream said he wanted you to
get rid of his fangirls. Starscream said that you like doing that
sort of thing. Not hate. LIKE. Am I correct in thinking that I
finally found something you like?

Rin

No. Starscream is an idiot. You'll find that is a useful answer to many of life's tough questions.

As for your campaign, don't you think you need some sort of marketing type tools? I'll explain to you what I mean by marketing tools, considering you may not know due to your limited brain capacity. These things would include YouTube videos with half dressed human females shouting your name, cardboard signs with your name and finally stickers that can be placed on your rear bumper (do you even have one of those?) Then you will want to walk around amongst the humans and distribute these items - gently.

What a sissy way to run a campaign. I believe in getting people to vote for me by brute force. It worked for Megatron. Well... almost...

Caro Bonecrusher,

Ho pensato che fosse divertente trasmettergli un messaggio in un'altra lingua (perché è accaduto prima). Così ho deciso trasmettergli questo. Ho calcolato che sarebbe lo scherzo migliore nella storia di storia perché sto trasmettendogli qualcosa DOVRTE essere al corrente di, ma non posso non avere significato da qualunqui cose! So che invierete questo e finalmente trovate un certo senso di decifrarlo. Fino ad allora, riderò la mia testa fuori. Bene, qui è:

Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Fra due astronavi avversarie scoppia una battaglia per chi dovra' dominare tutta la galassia. E mentre infuria lo scontro atterrano in un mondo Di quattromila anni fa.
Ci sono mostri preistorici Su quel pianeta. Nessuna traccia di uomini, Ma che disdetta. Le due astronavi atterrate sono danneggiate percio' i Biocombat restano la'.
Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Mille ruggiti Inferociti nell'oscurita'.
Paesaggi adatti ai piu' coraggiosi E ai piu' avventurosi, traboccanti di difficolta'.
Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Nessuno dei contendenti Sa dove si trova. Entrambi gli schieramenti Son messi a dura prova.
Le due astronavi atterrate sono danneggiate, percio' i Biocombat restano la'.
Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Mille ruggiti Inferociti nell'oscurita'.
Paesaggi adatti ai piu' coraggiosi. E ai piu' avventurosi, traboccanti di difficolta'.
Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Son grandi i Maximal. COMBAT!

Son forti i Predacon. COMBAT!

Chissa chi vincera'? COMBAT!

E chi riuscira' a riparare La sua astronave!

Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Mille ruggiti Inferociti nell'oscurita'.
Paesaggi adatti ai piu' coraggiosi E ai piu' avventurosi, traboccanti di difficolta'.
Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!

Ciò è MAI probabilmente il prank più grande.

Con avversione da Kremzeek!

I hate you.

You hate everything right? What are your views on the 'internet hate machine'? These "super hackers on steroids" hate alot of things too. Currently they are focusing on The Church of Scientology.

I would think you would make natural allies.

Amateurs.

Hey Bonecrusher, why are you using Gmail? Don't you have some kind of super advanced programming that hooks you into the internet? Can't you just recieve messeges?

Also, do you hate Corey Feldman as much as I do?

Because otherwise your primitive idiot systems wouldn't be able to reach me, and send me wonderful spam in foreign languages.

And I'll assume yes.

Campaign Ad

On the advice of my Campaign Manager, an ad was written, set up, and shot. This is the result.

He's fired now.

Notes from the Trail

Been heavy on the campaign trail. Will be a short post today. Should have something special ready on Friday.

Just clearing up a couple comments today.

Bonecrusher, I've got a quick question about your thoughts on Health Care. Say some human had a headache and wanted to get rid of it. Would they still be able to buy medicine from a random store to get rid of said headache or would you get rid of all medicine from those stores, too?

Hey, I don't care, as long as your not spending government money, which can be used for more useful purposes. Like bombs.

Bonecrusher, have you faced any opposition from the enemy in your political efforts?

Are the Autobots speaking out against you? Surely your hate is not going unchecked with all of these "good guys" slinking around on this planet, too? Are do they realize that Bonecrusher is the future of this great nation.

I've gotten harassed by a couple of Autobots who can't believe I'm doing this. Also some Decepticons. But a few punches show them my point of view, and a few more put them off line.

Also, I got another one that's REALLY important: Is your Hate Blog official Transformers canon? If it is, we on Teletraan I-the TF wiki can have a page just for you! The REAL you. I hope this is canon! Please answer. Bye!

An official Transformer Cannon would be Galvatron. He's the one that turns into a cannon. Not me. If you insist on having a wiki about me, you can, but if I see anything that isn't exactly right, I will run over and beat the slag outta all of you.

You would definately be able to shape the world better if you controlled the whole world rather than just one country.

You are correct, but alas, one thing at a time. Stepping stones, and slag like that. This is something Starscream never learned, and I have watched his mistakes. And laughed. Primus, did I laugh.

Hey, I say help that Frank Agogo guy out. That kind of money could help your campaign. Come on go for it. There's nothing fishy about that one. It's all in your head.

You make a persuasive argument.

Why the heck do you need Frank's cash? If candidates just posted stuff on free boards and on youtube, they wouldn't need lots of advertising money.

You make a persuasive argument.

It's time to settle this one in pure Decepticon fashion, provided I can find a coin to flip.

The Canidate For Hating You

Let's see what the email box has today...

Dear Bonecrusher,

I see you have found other ways to pass the time. How does Megatron and Starscream feel about your decision in attempting to run for president? You know if your elected (which you never will be) you will only be controlling one country, hardly a Decepticon move. Wouldn't you rather have control of the whole world? Oh well, whatever makes you happy. I guess you have to get what you think you can get.....which isn't much. By the way, I do believe I saw a pastel pink Bonecrusher toy the other day...just in time for Easter. How sweet.

-Jazz

Neither of them care. Their more concerned with destroying all humans rather than leading them. Me? I can do both.

As for controlling merely one country, it's a stepping stone.

And I don't believe you on that Easter thing. You're lying. And if your not, then I'm shifting one of my Campaign promises to 'Nuke Hasbro.' Which was kinda the plan anyway...

Hey Bonecrusher,

I was just looking over your blog's previous posts (again), and came across the recorded chat you had with Starscream regarding his "fangirl" problem (the way you owned him was priceless, and I commend you for that). After looking at this conversation, I thought to myself: "I wonder if Bonecrusher had any other chats like this one with his fellow Decepticons, and if he happened to record those too?"

I typically don't, so I only had that one on file. But if anybody happens to chat with me in the future, I'll be sure to record them for posterity.

From Frank Agogo
Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire
West Africa,

Greetings in the name of God.

My name is Frank Agogo from Sierra Leone. My father and I escaped from our country at the heat of the civil war ,As a result of the political instability in my country even after the war,My father established his cocoa and coffee export business in Abidjan,Ivory Coast.He was in Buake, a northern city to negotiate for the purchase of a cocoaplantation when he was shot and killed by the rebel troupes fighting to takeover the government of the country on the 22nd September, 2002. The death of my father has now made me an orphan and there by exposing me to danger.

Before the unfortunate death, My late father had in his personal account with a bank here the sum of $2.5m. As a result of the present in security of lives and property in this country,
I wish request that you assist me use your account in your country to transfer the balance of my father's account. Again to assist me with a letter of invitation that will make me get a visa to your country for residence inorder for me to continue our education and to invest the fund in a viable business venture.

I and the rest of my family have decieded to give you 10% of the total sum for your kind assistance,while 5% has been marked for any expenses like phone calls,the world is full of bad people please i am not saying you are bad person but consider that this is money and how the money was gotten,it is inheritace and last hope,If this is acceptable to you,Then reply me as soon as you get this message,so that we can discuss further on this matter.

Thanks and GOD bless us.
Frank Agogo.

Hey, with that kind of money, I can get enough to run an excellent Campaign. Hillary would have NOTHING on me! Wait... why is he contacting a former Decepticon warrior for this process rather then someone who cares? Something smells just a tad fishy...

Nah. What's the worst that could happen?

Issues

There are a lot of issues this campaign. Here are some easy soundbytes for the press to lord over as if they actually meant something.

-Iraq: As I have mentioned before, my policy toward Iraq, Iran, North Korea, China and anybody else stupid enough to annoy me is to make liberal use of nuclear weapons, and pretty much glass entire continents. With me, you will not have to worry about prolonged wars. I'll get the job done fast.

-Health Care: My policy towards Health Care is to disband it. All of it. If you get sick and you can't get better on your own, tough. Your species didn't get to where it was by being a bunch of sissies about having a cold. In the old days, you let them die. I fully embrace a return to that policy.

-Taxes: You have too much money as it is, and you waste on stupid things, like stimulating the economy. Pft. I'll put your money to a much better use - more nukes. It's a policy for a new age.

-Abortion, Gay Marriage, Religion in Schools, Religion in General, Ect. - Hey, even *I'm* not dumb enough to touch those topics.

-Environmental Protection - I recommend dumping vast amounts of nuclear wastes into the ocean. If we're lucky, something will mutate, crawl on land, and wipe the whole darn planet out.

-Rising Gas Prices - It may surprise you to find that I am for forcibly lowering them, by way of violence against gas companies. Why? Because it annoys me when I'm driving along and need to fuel up and have to pay about 4000 dollars to fuel my tank. It's why I mostly walk these days.

-Republicans and Democrats - All leaders of both parties will be rounded up and executed. I'm sure we can all agree that this measure isn't all that harsh.

If I didn't answer your issue, email me or leave a comment.

Personal Emails

Taking a day off the campaign trail to handle some old business, then back on the road. I plan to hit the 'key' states sometime this week, and I do mean 'hit' literally.

Bonecrusher,

I read the email that was in Portuguese and a thought just hit me. Have you ever considered trying to post something in the Cybertronian language on your blog? Chances are, there isn't a single human on Earth that knows that language so no one can understand what you're writing. You could send the idiot that sent that email something insulting and he wouldn't even have the translation websites to help!
I've found many ways to tick people off and one of them is speaking in a language they don't know is a classic! Try a yes or no question like "Do you think you are intelligent?" in Chinese or something and then in English tell them, "Respond: yes or no."

You don't have to though. It's just a thought to consider.
And I have one other question that's really eating at me...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LOOKING AT NAKED HUMANS?!?!? THAT'S SO PERVERTED!! YOU SICKO!!!

-Veronique

=_-==_-----_-____====-_----=_--_---_=_--=_------==___---------!

There, I just swore at you in Cybertronian. Are you happy now?
And who's looking at naked humans? I sure as heck ain't. Don't be inventing any scandals on me or I'll Teapot Dome your tailgate all the way to Watergate and Whitewater and Back.

O great and superbly cool Crusher of Bones,

I’m fairly certain you hate flattery.

I thought you would like (or at least not hate) knowing that you are my second-favorite-movie-character-other-than-the-leaders. That means that I always like Prime & Megs best, no matter what. Before you comes Barricade, who is right in thinking he is so “fabulous.” Though I’d prefer just plain AWESOME.

I like you cuz you hate everything. Which I think is funny. Soon I will purchase your toy and Barricade’s toy. You’re the only ones from the movie I don’t have yet.

Anyway, enough about me.

1) Will you be resurrected for the sequel?
2) Do you think “Jungle Bonecrusher” is a piece o’ no good scrap?
3) What is your… uh… least hatededed food?
4) Do you hate cats or dogs less?
5) Can you really roller-skate?
6) Did it hurt to catch fire or smash through the bus?
And finally, The Burning Question:
7) What in the name of PRIMUS did you really say?!?

I’m absolutely sure I heard “Move!” (to the bus) “Take that, Autobot!” (to Prime) & “I HATE YOU!” (to Prime and... well everything and everyone else)

Yours…uh… Hatefully,

Kremzeek!

I'm glad you're wasting money on bad representations of me in shoddy plastic quality. You keep doing that.
1) Apparently NOT. I hate that. Which is why, as President, the first thing I'll do is publically execute Michael Bay (and if that doesn't get me some support, nothing will.)
2) Do you need to ask?
3) Brussel Sprouts. At least they're honest about tasting awful.
4) Cats. They hate everyone just as much as I do, while dogs are disgusting bundles of love.
5) Better than you can, Sparky.
6) YES!
7) None of your business. Also the word 'Hate'.

hi bonecrusher!!! my name is brianna and i just want to tell you that i hate alot of things too. so your not alone. and that i like you. and tell sound wave and the other decepticons that i said hi. alright? i'm evil. you wanna know why? cause right now i'm on the computer and i'm not suposed to be, ( cause my grades suck in math). i hate math, not my greatest subject. grrrr. the people in that class bugg me!!! all they ever do is fight amungst one another and get detention. i hate that. don't you hate it when people do that right in the middle of something? gnnnrrrrrrrr. i wish you could come to my school and kill them all. except for my friends. i like my friends. starscream is such a coward. at the end of the Bay movie he's flying off back to cybertron. :P

ps: I <3 U!!!
pss: i'll vote for ya!!!!!

There are words in this email, but I do not understand them. The internet translators to not help me. I am confused.

Wait, is that supposed to be a 'I *heart* you' at the end there? Wow. I think we all know my response to this one.

And I'm not sure I *want* this vote.

Campaign Promises

I've got a pair of personal emails I'll respond too Wednesday. But for now, more on my bid for President. Remember, you can trust me to hate this job!

Q: If you do become president, who's going to be vice-president?
A: Whoever I can trust to stay out of the freaken way. I was thinking Brawl. Because he likes hurting things as much as I do, and similarity is a MUST in ever campaign. Plus he'll appeal to the 'green guy' vote.

Q:You need to campaign more. Make yourself known. Make appearances, get to know your fellow people...
A: I'll campaign when I'm slagging good and ready to. And I don't want to get to know you fleshbags, I know way too much about you already!

Q: A Decepticon for president of America, better than an Autobot.
A: Yes.

Q: Mr. Crusher, before deciding if I should support you or simply be crushed into paste, I must ask your opinion on the current NAFTA rules.

A: I hate the National Autobots Freedom from Tyranny Association. That movement lead to the downfall of Megatron's great empire, so I recommend that anyone who had been a part of it be shot.

Or are you talking about a different NAFTA?

Q: Bonecrusher, what are your positions on the issues?
-War on Terror
-Iraq
-Economy

-Bears (#1 threat to America)
-Environment
-Legal status of Mini-cons
-Diplomatic relations with other nations
-Diplomatic relations with other planets (Jungle Planet, Speed Planet, Giant Planet, Cybertron....)

A:
-War on Terror: I'm for War, and I'm for Terror, so I must be for it. I think.
-Iraq: Nuke it.
-Economy: Nuke it.
-Bears: Ever since the Academy Awards, I've hated bears more then most other things, so I will institute a law that says all bears should be shot on sight. Preferably painfully.
-Environment: Nuke it.
-Legal Status of Minicons: Now, I don't want to appear racist - in fact, some of my best friends are Minicons (snicker), but I hate them, and they should all end up under my heel.
-Diplomatic Relations with Other Countries: Nuke em.
-Diplomatic Relations with Other Planets: I submit that we should begin construction on the moon, turning it into what I would like to call a "death star", or perhaps, if that name is taken, "Unicron."

Q: And also - the U.S Constitution says that you must be born in the United States to be president. How do you handle that?
A: I can claim my vehicle mode was manufactured in the US. And if that doesn't work, well, then screw it.

GOT A QUESTION THAT WASN'T ANSWERED?
We are not surprised. Comment or Email, you twits.

Vote Hate, 08

After thinking long and hard about this, and talking with my new campaign manager (Blackout) I have reached an inescapable conclusion that has led to an inevitable decision, one that I know I'm going to regret.

Your planet is in desperate need of a real leader, and none of you humans are truly fit for the job. You are plagued by war, disease, famine and who-knows-what else. These are dark times for your planet. You wander through life guideless, trying desperately to please everyone around you, and for what? Petty personal advancement?

It's time your species changed.

Which is why I, Bonecrusher, have decided to run for President of the United States.

A vote for me is a vote for integrity. I do this not because I want the job (and you can rest assured about that fact - because I'd hate it), but because I feel a deep need to whip your species into shape. Your species need a uniter, and I will be that uniter (because those who oppose me won't live very long).

A vote for me is a vote for someone you can trust to be consistent (hate), to stand up for his principals (hate), and to always be completely honest. I will never lie. I will never suck up to any group; I will tell them exactly what I think of their stupid ideas.

A vote for me is a vote for strength and security. I guarantee that all wars on your planet will end shortly after I come to office, by my own fist, if I have too. Unlike other cowardly Presidents of the past, I will make sure this happens personally. I will have no tolerance for lawbreakers and rebels, and you can rest assured that anyone defying me will be pummeled into submission. I will also make sure no foreign (by which I mean extraterrestrial) threats will bother Earth, by conquering Quintessa, just in case they try anything.

A vote for me is a vote for change. Real change. You will not be able to recognize this planet once I'm through with it. Things will change, and clearly for the better.

A vote for me is a vote against evil lobbying groups. I will not accept their money - I have no need for such a thing. Instead, I will kill them. I vote for me is a vote for dead lobbyists. And who doesn't want more of those? Lawyers too. Instead of being influenced by lobbyists, all decisions will be made solely on the basis of which side I hate more. I can assure you I will see all negatives to all issues presented to me.

A vote for me is a vote for experience. I've been around far longer than any human has ever been, and I have seen far more. Be assured, you will not be letting someone with a mere 60 years of life under their belt into the office, but one who has lasted for thousands of years.

Why settle for the lesser of all evils? Vote for Bonecrusher this November, and bring about a change in the World.

If you are saying to yourself 'Bonecrusher, your ideas make sense to me. How can I help?', then you need more help than I thought. Please send all your money to me, and help raise the chances of getting someone you know will hate you into office. If you have no money, at least spread this around the internet, and get the word out! Hey, it worked for Howard Dean, didn't it?

Election Thingy's

Really, Democracy is a silly concept. Look down the street sometime. See that fat guy munching a candy bar? See that woman with the overapplied makeup. See the college kid running over children with his car? See all these people? Then ask yourself, do you [i]really[/i] want their opinion influencing the government?

I thought not.

So you humans have a big election coming this year. The nominee for one side is an old guy, and for the other side it's either the college student or the former president's wife. Diverse selection you have there. All of them are stupid.

Of course, you have to be careful talking about politics. Because if you say something negative about a politician, the secret service will descend on you like a ticked off Regulan Metal Monger. And I can tell you from experience that you do NOT want a ticked off Regulan Metal Monger coming at you. You actually don't want one coming at you period. But that's another blog.

Anyway, come November, you humans will come out of your hovels and vote for someone based on their compartive stance on topical issues, by which I mean 'whoever seems nicer'. This is really no basis for a system of government. After all, if a bunch of Warrior Zermarkians land on Earth and challenge your leader to a duel, who are you gonna send out? The old guy, the wife, or the college student? Yeah, they'll beat a Zemark Warrior Prince. I hope you guys like being slaves.

What you humans need is a REAL leader. I'll ask Megatron, but I don't think he'll be very keen.

Heck, *I* would make a better leader than your current choices.




Hrmm.....

Rustin Away

When we first landed on Earth, one of the most unfortunate shocks to us was liquid water. We'd encountered H2O in it's ice forms many times, but liquid was new - and more specifically, the long term reaction it caused with our platings. Yes, I mean rust.

A rust spot developed on me late Friday, and now the slagging thing Won't. Go. Away. It's made me even angrier than usual, but at the same time made it so that I don't want to do anything. Ever had something do that to you? Yeah? Well I slagging HATE IT.

So, I'll just sit here and mope for awhile, this rust rash on my side, rubbing it with rust repellent that doesn't work. It is obnoxious. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be Cosmic Rust. But with my luck, it will be.

Cosmic Rust is technically an organic being that feeds on Cybertronian metal. And it reproduces quickly, and spreads throughout Cybertronian colonies. We had a big plauge with it a couple thousand years ago. Not pleasant. Was kinda amusing to see Starscream moping about it though. It 'ruined his good looks'. And for that, I thanked Primus. Starscream looks about as good as a Regulan Metal Mongers behind.

I'm going to have to crawl over to Ratchet's to get some treatment for this. I hate doing that too. Wish we had a Decepticon doctor here on Earth. But we don't. Cause I think I might have killed him. Maybe shouldn't have done that. Ah well.

Spam

There was one more Email I got last week, and it was too... irritating to let go to waste.

TELEGRAMA

NÚMERO DO TELEGRAMA: 795315681 IDENT: INF045968745BR

Você acabou de receber um Telegrama Online dos: correios
O "Novo Telegrama" está cheio de novidades,
mais uma coisa não mudou, quem recebe, lê!

Para ler seu telegrama clique aqui ou na imagem
abaixo.

*Serviço disponivel 24 horas por dia.


Após o processo de recepção,todo o trâmite será automático, não há intermidiação humana durante o processamento interno no SGM, oque confere total confidencialidade, confiabilidade e segurança ao conteúdo da mensagem.

Dear Whoever Sent me this mail: WHAT?

It linked back to this, which I have no idea what it is, and had a bunch of other dead links in it. Apparently, someone things I know - what is that supposed to be? Spanish? Not according to every online translator I could find.

A little more research turns up the fact that it's Portugese. I don't even know where that's supposed to be. I hunted down Squawktalk (Another war buddy - language specialist. Was useful when we first landed on Earth, hasn't been useful since.) so I could try and decipher this mysterious message, which may have been incredibly important, or at least amusing. It somehow managed to be neither.

TELEGRAM NUMBER OF THE TELEGRAM: 795315681 IDENT: INF045968745BR You it finished to receive a Online Telegram from: post offices the "New Telegram" is full of new features, plus a thing did not move, who receives, reads! To read its telegram here click or in the image below. * Service disponivel 24 hours per day. After the reception process, all the proceeding will be automatic, does not have intermidiação human being during the internal processing in the SGM, oque confers total confidencialidade, trustworthiness and security to the content of the message.

I really don't think I can top that.

So, today I learned that the wonders of the internet allow people to send me messages that don't work in languages I can't read. If it weren't so pathetically sad, it would be funny.

Big Email Day

I promised you emails, and since I hate breaking promises, here you go. (I hate keeping promises too, but I also hate dishonesty more than honesty and - just don't ask me any more philosphical questions, OK?)

Dear Bonecrusher. since you have been living on EarthI would like to know your opinion on human femeales. Oh , how I hate them... With Decepticons we know were they stand. They might want to kill/main/burn you, but at least hey are honest with that. Human females are sneaky, manipulative and cold person who will resort to any dirty trick in the book to get what they want. I hate them. I also hate you too.

My hatefull respects

Johny

I hate females (Gasp, who saw that one coming), who are only slightly more obnoxious then males. But I think the thing I hate the most is the demented idea you humans have about trying to reveal as much of a human female as possible without doing it. Now, my first instinct was to laugh at you humans for wearing clothes, but since I found out what you look underneath, I've become much more comfortable with the idea - and the one thing I don't want to see is more of you. Dear Humanity: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF PRIMUS KEEP YOURSELF COVERED. Ugh.

Though I will say that the way you describe them, females would make very good Decepticons. However, we don't need fleshies in our Decepticon ranks, so forget it.

Hey Bonecrusher! Remember me? No?! Good because I love to say my name! It's Mixmaster, buddy! I just saw your blog and thought it would be good to tell you that me and Scrapper got a job at the next Transformers show, "Animating" or something, and you see, we kind of need... more "body parts" for Devastator and I heard you're unemployed and... well you got the drill.

I'm waiting for your reply.

Love, Mixmaster.

LOOK! THAT DEVASTATOR THING NEVER HAPPENED AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED! I'M NOT GOING BACK! LEAVE ME THE SLAG ALONE!

I am NOT being a freaken Arm again.

Hey, Bonecrusher,

I've read your blog for quite a while now. And I must say, you have quite a view on hating things.

Also, I've seen all the things you've said about the Decepticons, like that "dolt" Megatron and the "so-full-of-himself" Starscream to be precise.

But what do you think (or as you may prefer, HATE) about the other Decepticons you've worked with recently? I mean, really? Like, per se, the badass Blackout (though, after taking out a whole military base, he was owned by an airstrike and a sabot-shot to the crotch), the insect-like Scorponok, the bad cop Barricade, that deranged cybernetic imp from hell Frenzy, and (of course), the heavily armed Brawl/Devastator (take your pick)?

Can't wait to hear your response! XD!!!

Scorponok was a special effect. The real Scorponok was too big, and more importantly too bad of an actor to get into the film. Brawl - yes, that's his real name -I haven't seen for awhile. After they got his name wrong and refused to fix it, he went back to Cybetron to sulk. I hear he's still there. Hes a stuck-up snob, and couldn't handle the blow to his ego. Barricade was a nobody 'till he got his roll in the film, and now he's going around like he's freaken Optimus Prime or something. Just blah-blah-blah I was the REAL Decepticon star blah blah. Last I heard of him, he was doing a cross country tour of all the Krispy Kremes. Blackout's strange. He creeps me out for some reason. He's got an attitude I just can't pin down - he's pretty vain, obsessed with fashion, bizarrely nice, and has a very strange tone of voice (which is why he didn't talk in the film). Don't quite know what's going on with him - he keeps saying things like he's 'fabulous'. What the slagging heck does THAT mean?
And Frenzy? He's just plain annoying. I'd tell him to lay off the coffee, but he doesn't drink Coffee. I suspect drugs.

Hi,

I have a question regarding your hatred. Do you hate cover things that simply aren't? I.E, do you hate that Megatron is the Autobot leader even though he is anything but?

Please don't step on me,
Chris

Why would I hate something that doesn't exist? That's it. You're getting stepped on.

Golden Statues

I'll do Emails Wednesday, because right now I'm really slagging angry.

As you all know, I hated that movie I starred in. But when you work on something and are up for an award for your hard and painful effort of smashing through buses daily, you tend to get a little prideful about it.

Well, last night was the great big Academy Awards ceremony, where a bunch of morons dulled out awards. My movie, as you probably know, sucked in all areas but one - it looked really pretty. Lots of good looking explosions and stuff. Yeah, I hate how overdone they were, but it was much better than that stuck-up fish from the Pirate movie and that bear who does the soda commercials.

I wasn't there last night, but I heard Optimus and Megatron were both ready to walk up and accept the award jointly. In fact, all us bot's who were in the movie showed up at Ratchet's place - yes, even me. What? He promised free Energon, but it was slaggy Energon. But whatever. So it's our turn to be in the spotlight, all the pain and suffering Michael Bay put us through and finally some recognition on this dirt ball. It's our moment... And...

They gave it to the slagging bear.
THE.
SLAGGING.
BEAR.

Megatron stormed out of the theater, and I think Optimus began to cry. Back where all the rest of us were watching, Starscream immediately went beserk, going on about how much he suffered and how bad the make up hurt and how hot it was and how difficult it was and how many explosions he had to make and how good it looked and how it just wasn't fair... I think Ironhide was the one who broke the TV. Blackout and Ratchet hugged and cried (that was really awkward...) and Bumblebee turned off the TV and started playing a very violent video game. Were we mad? SLAGGING YES. We practically sold our souls (and our poor beaten and bruised bodies) to freaken Hasbro and Michael Bay, and at the very least we deserve some recognition for it. And that Polar Bear? He was just doing the same thing he always does, lounging around and drinking beer (What, you think it's actually soda in there? Guess again!). No artistic credibility at all. He didn't even run through an explosion once, like I did, what, 14 times? I mean, at least the Fish-Face fellow did some acting. I wouldn't have minded quite so much if he had one, because at least he put effort into his roll. I hear he went and ordered out Los Angeles entire supply of rum to drown his sorrows. Wish I'd thought of that.

So why did the Bear win? Quite simple - cash. Lots and lots of dirty money snuck into Academy Voters pockets to guarantee his slaggy movie gets an award since nobody else in the world bothered to watch it. How do we know? Soundwave proved he was good for something.

Fortunately, as you have guessed by now, Decepticons do not take to being shafted lightly. Megatron is plotting war on Hollywood. I forsee much carnage and fun in the future. I'm pretty sure they won't be having an awards ceremony next year, if you get my drift.

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

Some people recently moved in next to me. Now that, of course, was a mistake. Perhaps a forgivable mistake -after all, it is easy for idiot humans to mistake a good giant robot for a bad giant robot, if they are blind, deaf, and only have one functioning brain cell. But that isn't why I was forced to destroy their house.

You see, someone in this family - I don't know which one - has an appreciation for music. Specifically, music that only has notes that go BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM at a very annoying and repetitive rate. This person would play this music going BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM for hours on end, even at the late hours when I'm trying to enter my rest cycle - and switching off my audials didn't help, because the bass was deep enough to shake the floor. And there is nothing more annoying that late at night then BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.

At first, I tried to retaliate using Cybertronian Street Metal. Cybertronian Street Metal was invented by Squawkbox, and it is the most obnoxious thing you have ever heard. It sounds, roughly, like a cat being put through a blender in the middle of an Earthquake. And throw some screams and sirens in there too. There is a good reason Squawkbox is no longer among the living.

So I hunted down Rumble and extorted his recording from him. I switched off my audials, cranked up the volume and let it go.

After awhile, convinced that no loving thing could survive such an auditory assault, I switched it off and tried to resume my rest cycle. Forty minutes later - you guessed it - BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.

That's when I knew I had to take drastic measures. Long story short, I gave them a BOOM they won't soon forget.

So to all you angsty humans who play your obnoxious music way-too-loud, consider this your only warning. I. Hate. That.

AIM and Stuff

So I ran into Starscream the 0ther day, online. I recorded the conversation for prosperity.

(ScreamingtheStars) Ah, Bonecrusher, it's good to see you're on.
(BonecrusherHates) The slagging heck it is. What do you want?
(ScreamingtheStars) Actually, I was hoping you could do me a favor.
(ScreamingtheStars) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) Are you there?
(BonecrusherHates) I didn't want to dignify that with a response. Ok, what?
(ScreamingtheStars) Ok, you know how I am infinitely more popular then you?
(BonecrusherHates) I had an inkling. *rolleyes*
(ScreamingtheStars) It's not as great as you think. And that's why I'm asking you.
(ScreamingtheStars) You see, I've got a bunch of, well, I think the proper term is 'fangirls'
(ScreamingtheStars) The won't leave me alone! They cluster outside my house, and yell that they love me.
(BonecrusherHates) Wow. I almost feel pity for you.
(BonecrusherHates) Almost.
(ScreamingtheStars) Well, the thing is... I want them gone. And since you like doing this kind of thing, I was wondering if you'd, you know, take care of them for me.
(BonecrusherHates) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) It would be a huge favor. I'd owe you big time.
(BonecrusherHates) Normally, I would jump on a chance to kill a bunch of innocents like that.
(BonecrusherHates) But then something occurs to me.
(BonecrusherHates) You were one of the most feared Decepticons in the war.
(ScreamingtheStars) Well, yes. But what does that have to do with anything?
(BonecrusherHates) Answer me this.
(BonecrusherHates) I once heard you brag that you could take 50 Autobots on at the same time.
(BonecrusherHates) And then you went out and did it.
(BonecrusherHates) Which, by the way, is the only reason Megatron never slagged you.
(BonecrusherHates) So if you can handle 50 Autobots all by yourself
(BonecrusherHates) HOW COME YOU CAN'T HANDLE A BUNCH OF HUMAN FEMALES?
(ScreamingtheStars) ....
(ScreamingtheStars) Because...
(BonecrusherHates) I'm waiting.
(ScreamingtheStars) I'd feel bad.
(BonecrusherHates) That's it. I'm sending this to Megatron.
(ScreamingtheStars) Go ahead. He's got his own squad of fangirls moping after him.
(BonecrusherHates) Somehow, I'm not surprised.
(ScreamingtheStars) Thanks for nothing.
(BonecrusherHates) You're welcome.
(BonecrusherHates) You know, it occurs to me that if your AIM name got out, then the 'fangirls' would have an entirely new way to harass you.
(ScreamingtheStars) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) You wouldn't slagging dare.
(BonecrusherHates) Oh. Would I?
(BonecrusherHates) :D
(ScreamingtheStars) I hate you.



Ps: Don't try. He deleted it already.