Bonecrusher's Blog of Hate

Name's Bonecrusher. If you're reading this, I hate you. If you're not reading this, I hate you. Actually, I just hate you period. In fact, I hate everything. This blog examines the subtleties and complexities about this mindset, which flashbags like yourselves can only hope to ever achieve. Good luck with that.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Golden Statues

I'll do Emails Wednesday, because right now I'm really slagging angry.

As you all know, I hated that movie I starred in. But when you work on something and are up for an award for your hard and painful effort of smashing through buses daily, you tend to get a little prideful about it.

Well, last night was the great big Academy Awards ceremony, where a bunch of morons dulled out awards. My movie, as you probably know, sucked in all areas but one - it looked really pretty. Lots of good looking explosions and stuff. Yeah, I hate how overdone they were, but it was much better than that stuck-up fish from the Pirate movie and that bear who does the soda commercials.

I wasn't there last night, but I heard Optimus and Megatron were both ready to walk up and accept the award jointly. In fact, all us bot's who were in the movie showed up at Ratchet's place - yes, even me. What? He promised free Energon, but it was slaggy Energon. But whatever. So it's our turn to be in the spotlight, all the pain and suffering Michael Bay put us through and finally some recognition on this dirt ball. It's our moment... And...

They gave it to the slagging bear.
THE.
SLAGGING.
BEAR.

Megatron stormed out of the theater, and I think Optimus began to cry. Back where all the rest of us were watching, Starscream immediately went beserk, going on about how much he suffered and how bad the make up hurt and how hot it was and how difficult it was and how many explosions he had to make and how good it looked and how it just wasn't fair... I think Ironhide was the one who broke the TV. Blackout and Ratchet hugged and cried (that was really awkward...) and Bumblebee turned off the TV and started playing a very violent video game. Were we mad? SLAGGING YES. We practically sold our souls (and our poor beaten and bruised bodies) to freaken Hasbro and Michael Bay, and at the very least we deserve some recognition for it. And that Polar Bear? He was just doing the same thing he always does, lounging around and drinking beer (What, you think it's actually soda in there? Guess again!). No artistic credibility at all. He didn't even run through an explosion once, like I did, what, 14 times? I mean, at least the Fish-Face fellow did some acting. I wouldn't have minded quite so much if he had one, because at least he put effort into his roll. I hear he went and ordered out Los Angeles entire supply of rum to drown his sorrows. Wish I'd thought of that.

So why did the Bear win? Quite simple - cash. Lots and lots of dirty money snuck into Academy Voters pockets to guarantee his slaggy movie gets an award since nobody else in the world bothered to watch it. How do we know? Soundwave proved he was good for something.

Fortunately, as you have guessed by now, Decepticons do not take to being shafted lightly. Megatron is plotting war on Hollywood. I forsee much carnage and fun in the future. I'm pretty sure they won't be having an awards ceremony next year, if you get my drift.

6 comments:

Weasel said...

Have fun blowing the shit out of Hollywood. The bastards deserve it.

and Bumblebee turned off the TV and started playing a very violent video game.

I don't blame him. I felt like breaking things when I heard the news.

Man 'Crusher, I wish you could've shot the crap outta the jerks accepting that Oscar. I would have cheered. Loudly.

Spekkio said...

Don't forget about the two sound Oscars, Bonecrusher. Those guys worked hard to make you sound good, and they got screwed too.

Go destroy 'em!

Soundwave said...

So you finally admit I'm good for something. Anyway, how dare they screw us transformers over (mostly you who were in the movie).

Anonymous said...

I agree with 'Spekkio' they should have a least won for the sound. That was some amazing Sh**!

But I guess that's what happens when you aren't part of the popular crowd in Tinsle Town - such as Mr. Bay is. Even though he only directed, those who did some great stuff on the movie get shafted.

-Jazz

Suz said...

Bear from the soda commercials drinking bear. LOL.

Oh, how TF was robbed. Looking forward to the future carnage you will bring down on that part of California.

mimi-sardinia said...

Pass on to Megatron that it would be rather amusing if once he's finished razing Hollywood that he set a bomb in the San Andreas fault and dropped California into the Pacific Ocean.