Spam

There was one more Email I got last week, and it was too... irritating to let go to waste.

TELEGRAMA

NÚMERO DO TELEGRAMA: 795315681 IDENT: INF045968745BR

Você acabou de receber um Telegrama Online dos: correios
O "Novo Telegrama" está cheio de novidades,
mais uma coisa não mudou, quem recebe, lê!

Para ler seu telegrama clique aqui ou na imagem
abaixo.

*Serviço disponivel 24 horas por dia.


Após o processo de recepção,todo o trâmite será automático, não há intermidiação humana durante o processamento interno no SGM, oque confere total confidencialidade, confiabilidade e segurança ao conteúdo da mensagem.

Dear Whoever Sent me this mail: WHAT?

It linked back to this, which I have no idea what it is, and had a bunch of other dead links in it. Apparently, someone things I know - what is that supposed to be? Spanish? Not according to every online translator I could find.

A little more research turns up the fact that it's Portugese. I don't even know where that's supposed to be. I hunted down Squawktalk (Another war buddy - language specialist. Was useful when we first landed on Earth, hasn't been useful since.) so I could try and decipher this mysterious message, which may have been incredibly important, or at least amusing. It somehow managed to be neither.

TELEGRAM NUMBER OF THE TELEGRAM: 795315681 IDENT: INF045968745BR You it finished to receive a Online Telegram from: post offices the "New Telegram" is full of new features, plus a thing did not move, who receives, reads! To read its telegram here click or in the image below. * Service disponivel 24 hours per day. After the reception process, all the proceeding will be automatic, does not have intermidiação human being during the internal processing in the SGM, oque confers total confidencialidade, trustworthiness and security to the content of the message.

I really don't think I can top that.

So, today I learned that the wonders of the internet allow people to send me messages that don't work in languages I can't read. If it weren't so pathetically sad, it would be funny.

Big Email Day

I promised you emails, and since I hate breaking promises, here you go. (I hate keeping promises too, but I also hate dishonesty more than honesty and - just don't ask me any more philosphical questions, OK?)

Dear Bonecrusher. since you have been living on EarthI would like to know your opinion on human femeales. Oh , how I hate them... With Decepticons we know were they stand. They might want to kill/main/burn you, but at least hey are honest with that. Human females are sneaky, manipulative and cold person who will resort to any dirty trick in the book to get what they want. I hate them. I also hate you too.

My hatefull respects

Johny

I hate females (Gasp, who saw that one coming), who are only slightly more obnoxious then males. But I think the thing I hate the most is the demented idea you humans have about trying to reveal as much of a human female as possible without doing it. Now, my first instinct was to laugh at you humans for wearing clothes, but since I found out what you look underneath, I've become much more comfortable with the idea - and the one thing I don't want to see is more of you. Dear Humanity: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF PRIMUS KEEP YOURSELF COVERED. Ugh.

Though I will say that the way you describe them, females would make very good Decepticons. However, we don't need fleshies in our Decepticon ranks, so forget it.

Hey Bonecrusher! Remember me? No?! Good because I love to say my name! It's Mixmaster, buddy! I just saw your blog and thought it would be good to tell you that me and Scrapper got a job at the next Transformers show, "Animating" or something, and you see, we kind of need... more "body parts" for Devastator and I heard you're unemployed and... well you got the drill.

I'm waiting for your reply.

Love, Mixmaster.

LOOK! THAT DEVASTATOR THING NEVER HAPPENED AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED! I'M NOT GOING BACK! LEAVE ME THE SLAG ALONE!

I am NOT being a freaken Arm again.

Hey, Bonecrusher,

I've read your blog for quite a while now. And I must say, you have quite a view on hating things.

Also, I've seen all the things you've said about the Decepticons, like that "dolt" Megatron and the "so-full-of-himself" Starscream to be precise.

But what do you think (or as you may prefer, HATE) about the other Decepticons you've worked with recently? I mean, really? Like, per se, the badass Blackout (though, after taking out a whole military base, he was owned by an airstrike and a sabot-shot to the crotch), the insect-like Scorponok, the bad cop Barricade, that deranged cybernetic imp from hell Frenzy, and (of course), the heavily armed Brawl/Devastator (take your pick)?

Can't wait to hear your response! XD!!!

Scorponok was a special effect. The real Scorponok was too big, and more importantly too bad of an actor to get into the film. Brawl - yes, that's his real name -I haven't seen for awhile. After they got his name wrong and refused to fix it, he went back to Cybetron to sulk. I hear he's still there. Hes a stuck-up snob, and couldn't handle the blow to his ego. Barricade was a nobody 'till he got his roll in the film, and now he's going around like he's freaken Optimus Prime or something. Just blah-blah-blah I was the REAL Decepticon star blah blah. Last I heard of him, he was doing a cross country tour of all the Krispy Kremes. Blackout's strange. He creeps me out for some reason. He's got an attitude I just can't pin down - he's pretty vain, obsessed with fashion, bizarrely nice, and has a very strange tone of voice (which is why he didn't talk in the film). Don't quite know what's going on with him - he keeps saying things like he's 'fabulous'. What the slagging heck does THAT mean?
And Frenzy? He's just plain annoying. I'd tell him to lay off the coffee, but he doesn't drink Coffee. I suspect drugs.

Hi,

I have a question regarding your hatred. Do you hate cover things that simply aren't? I.E, do you hate that Megatron is the Autobot leader even though he is anything but?

Please don't step on me,
Chris

Why would I hate something that doesn't exist? That's it. You're getting stepped on.

Golden Statues

I'll do Emails Wednesday, because right now I'm really slagging angry.

As you all know, I hated that movie I starred in. But when you work on something and are up for an award for your hard and painful effort of smashing through buses daily, you tend to get a little prideful about it.

Well, last night was the great big Academy Awards ceremony, where a bunch of morons dulled out awards. My movie, as you probably know, sucked in all areas but one - it looked really pretty. Lots of good looking explosions and stuff. Yeah, I hate how overdone they were, but it was much better than that stuck-up fish from the Pirate movie and that bear who does the soda commercials.

I wasn't there last night, but I heard Optimus and Megatron were both ready to walk up and accept the award jointly. In fact, all us bot's who were in the movie showed up at Ratchet's place - yes, even me. What? He promised free Energon, but it was slaggy Energon. But whatever. So it's our turn to be in the spotlight, all the pain and suffering Michael Bay put us through and finally some recognition on this dirt ball. It's our moment... And...

They gave it to the slagging bear.
THE.
SLAGGING.
BEAR.

Megatron stormed out of the theater, and I think Optimus began to cry. Back where all the rest of us were watching, Starscream immediately went beserk, going on about how much he suffered and how bad the make up hurt and how hot it was and how difficult it was and how many explosions he had to make and how good it looked and how it just wasn't fair... I think Ironhide was the one who broke the TV. Blackout and Ratchet hugged and cried (that was really awkward...) and Bumblebee turned off the TV and started playing a very violent video game. Were we mad? SLAGGING YES. We practically sold our souls (and our poor beaten and bruised bodies) to freaken Hasbro and Michael Bay, and at the very least we deserve some recognition for it. And that Polar Bear? He was just doing the same thing he always does, lounging around and drinking beer (What, you think it's actually soda in there? Guess again!). No artistic credibility at all. He didn't even run through an explosion once, like I did, what, 14 times? I mean, at least the Fish-Face fellow did some acting. I wouldn't have minded quite so much if he had one, because at least he put effort into his roll. I hear he went and ordered out Los Angeles entire supply of rum to drown his sorrows. Wish I'd thought of that.

So why did the Bear win? Quite simple - cash. Lots and lots of dirty money snuck into Academy Voters pockets to guarantee his slaggy movie gets an award since nobody else in the world bothered to watch it. How do we know? Soundwave proved he was good for something.

Fortunately, as you have guessed by now, Decepticons do not take to being shafted lightly. Megatron is plotting war on Hollywood. I forsee much carnage and fun in the future. I'm pretty sure they won't be having an awards ceremony next year, if you get my drift.

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

Some people recently moved in next to me. Now that, of course, was a mistake. Perhaps a forgivable mistake -after all, it is easy for idiot humans to mistake a good giant robot for a bad giant robot, if they are blind, deaf, and only have one functioning brain cell. But that isn't why I was forced to destroy their house.

You see, someone in this family - I don't know which one - has an appreciation for music. Specifically, music that only has notes that go BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM at a very annoying and repetitive rate. This person would play this music going BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM for hours on end, even at the late hours when I'm trying to enter my rest cycle - and switching off my audials didn't help, because the bass was deep enough to shake the floor. And there is nothing more annoying that late at night then BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.

At first, I tried to retaliate using Cybertronian Street Metal. Cybertronian Street Metal was invented by Squawkbox, and it is the most obnoxious thing you have ever heard. It sounds, roughly, like a cat being put through a blender in the middle of an Earthquake. And throw some screams and sirens in there too. There is a good reason Squawkbox is no longer among the living.

So I hunted down Rumble and extorted his recording from him. I switched off my audials, cranked up the volume and let it go.

After awhile, convinced that no loving thing could survive such an auditory assault, I switched it off and tried to resume my rest cycle. Forty minutes later - you guessed it - BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.

That's when I knew I had to take drastic measures. Long story short, I gave them a BOOM they won't soon forget.

So to all you angsty humans who play your obnoxious music way-too-loud, consider this your only warning. I. Hate. That.

AIM and Stuff

So I ran into Starscream the 0ther day, online. I recorded the conversation for prosperity.

(ScreamingtheStars) Ah, Bonecrusher, it's good to see you're on.
(BonecrusherHates) The slagging heck it is. What do you want?
(ScreamingtheStars) Actually, I was hoping you could do me a favor.
(ScreamingtheStars) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) Are you there?
(BonecrusherHates) I didn't want to dignify that with a response. Ok, what?
(ScreamingtheStars) Ok, you know how I am infinitely more popular then you?
(BonecrusherHates) I had an inkling. *rolleyes*
(ScreamingtheStars) It's not as great as you think. And that's why I'm asking you.
(ScreamingtheStars) You see, I've got a bunch of, well, I think the proper term is 'fangirls'
(ScreamingtheStars) The won't leave me alone! They cluster outside my house, and yell that they love me.
(BonecrusherHates) Wow. I almost feel pity for you.
(BonecrusherHates) Almost.
(ScreamingtheStars) Well, the thing is... I want them gone. And since you like doing this kind of thing, I was wondering if you'd, you know, take care of them for me.
(BonecrusherHates) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) It would be a huge favor. I'd owe you big time.
(BonecrusherHates) Normally, I would jump on a chance to kill a bunch of innocents like that.
(BonecrusherHates) But then something occurs to me.
(BonecrusherHates) You were one of the most feared Decepticons in the war.
(ScreamingtheStars) Well, yes. But what does that have to do with anything?
(BonecrusherHates) Answer me this.
(BonecrusherHates) I once heard you brag that you could take 50 Autobots on at the same time.
(BonecrusherHates) And then you went out and did it.
(BonecrusherHates) Which, by the way, is the only reason Megatron never slagged you.
(BonecrusherHates) So if you can handle 50 Autobots all by yourself
(BonecrusherHates) HOW COME YOU CAN'T HANDLE A BUNCH OF HUMAN FEMALES?
(ScreamingtheStars) ....
(ScreamingtheStars) Because...
(BonecrusherHates) I'm waiting.
(ScreamingtheStars) I'd feel bad.
(BonecrusherHates) That's it. I'm sending this to Megatron.
(ScreamingtheStars) Go ahead. He's got his own squad of fangirls moping after him.
(BonecrusherHates) Somehow, I'm not surprised.
(ScreamingtheStars) Thanks for nothing.
(BonecrusherHates) You're welcome.
(BonecrusherHates) You know, it occurs to me that if your AIM name got out, then the 'fangirls' would have an entirely new way to harass you.
(ScreamingtheStars) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) You wouldn't slagging dare.
(BonecrusherHates) Oh. Would I?
(BonecrusherHates) :D
(ScreamingtheStars) I hate you.



Ps: Don't try. He deleted it already.

More Emails

Number of Emails this week. Here's a couple. Let's get this over with.

Bonecrusher,

If you hate everything, then that means you hate yourself do you not? That's how I'm reading this blog. You need a mental check and a serious self esteem boost dude. Remember the one email that you got from someone by the name of Skye? Several days ago? Yeah, personally, I think you're the one with the psychological disturbance and not her. Valentine's Day is gross to a certain degree, but you should at least love (or 'like' if you prefer it) yourself! In my opinion, anyone that doesn't at least love themselves (don't go overboard though!) have a mental issue. So, when you say "I hate everything", actually think about what you're saying for once in your life!

-Veronique

Sure, I hate Myself. Falls under 'everything', doesn't it? However, I disagree with your assertion that I also need a 'self esteem' boost. Self esteem leads to Pride, and Pride always come before a fall, and I make it my business to avoid falling.

If you ask me, loving yourself leads to far more mental issues then recognizing all the faults you have. If you haven't yet figured it out, I'm a realist, and I recognize everything for what it is. I hate myself because I'm self-centered, slow, and not stronger then Megatron. Now, acknowledging those things does far more for your mental health then pretending your all peachy. Maybe you should think about your faults more often. You'll probably end up a wad of self-loathing too. And I will laugh at you. Hah Hah.

Bonecrusher,

I know you'll hate me, but your blog is awesome.

How does it feel to have your head cut off? Did you still have a few seconds of processing after you were decapitated, like a human head has a couple seconds of oxygen and blood left to think with when we're decapitated? I've heard that's true and I was wondering if it's similar with robots...and you'd be the expert.

Suzy

My blog sucks. I hate it. But it's for a greater cause, so I deal with it.

Well, I wouldn't know exactly what it feels like - after all, there is a point where 'movie magic' takes over acting skills. If my head were to actually be pulled off, it would indeed be fatal. However, your question interested me, so I went and tracked down Frenzy, who has a decentralized processor, and thus can survive that. After beating him up for a bit, he answered your question: He said it really slaggin hurts.

Just thought you should know.

Self-Advertisement

The writers strike has ended, and finally those lazy good-for-nothings are back to work. And that means that yes, Transformers number 2 is back in production.

So today, I will forgo my normal blogging, and do something I hope never to do again.

Dear TF2 Writers:

As you may recall, I played an important part in the first Transformers movie. I feel that I was unable to put forth my true potential in the part. Despite this, my character was popular (as evidenced from the fact that I appeared in every trailer), so perhaps there is a chance that maybe I could return for the sequel?

As you may recall, I was excellent on-set, and I only killed 20 people. And think to yourselves, aren't you better off now that they aren't around to harass you anymore? I would like a chance to exercise my talent, and take a part in Number 2.

As per the last film, I am more then willing to blow many things up, and get in rough fights with other Cybertronians. Again I must remind you my appearance was a crowd pleaser, and thus my return would be welcomed. Even if I must play another character, I need the money, and would gladly take even a background part.

And if you don't, I will smash you into oblivion.

-Signed, Bonecrusher



Gah, that was the most horrible thing I've ever had to do. So much sucking up and faking 'niceness', UGH! Disgusting, Horrible, virtually obscene. I slagging hope I never have to do that again.

But if I do get in, at least I won't be forced to play in the slagging Gobot movie. Or, Primus forbid, Voltron.

Love, Naturally

Today I shall touch upon a subject that goes against everything I stand for - Love.

I love Nothing. I hate Everything. It's very simple. I am diametrically opposed to the concept of Love in general. So, of course, it greatly offends my sensibilities that you humans have a day dedicated to it. In fact, most Cybertronians in general are, at the very least, uncomfortable at what you humans call love.

Let's face facts. Love between two human beings is biologically disgusting. I'm fairly sure I don't need to get into the details of why, suffice to say that there's no telling what other disgusting microscopic 'things' are in the other person. It sounds like an awfully dangerous exercise to me.

You see, back on Cybertron, the concept of 'love' is a very foreign thing. We didn't have females (why would we? All life comes from the Allspark), though we did have Cybertronians with what you humans would describe as feminine traits. We had friendship, which in my opinion, is also a stupid concept, since you never know when your buddy is going to ditch you leaving you to face thirty angry Autobots alone. Scrapper, if you're reading this, I still haven't forgiven you, and never will.

Anyway, it wasn't until we found a couple biological species that we realized there was a concept called 'gender' at all. It was a very strange realization, and a couple freaks decided to start identifying themselves as one or the other. And it wasn't till we started hanging around Earth that we discovered the idea of love. Other biologicals have the good sense not to be so overt about it, but you humans... revel in it. Ugh. I get shudders thinking about it.

So, this 'Valentines day', you humans are supposed to show off your love for each other. But I must implore you, think about it first. Do you really love said person? Do you really want to be around that person-all-the-time? Think carefully. I'm not sure you humans know yourselves what your invention of 'love' is really all about.

And, for Primus's sake, could you please stop plastering lingerie commercials all over the place? I don't WANT to see more of your bodies. Disgusting.

Opening the Mailbox

Let's see who's decided to bug me today.

Dear Bonecrusher:

You and I have one thing in common, we both hate the human race.
But I bet I hate humans more than you do! You seem like the kind of guy who
has way too much time on his hands. You're probably some pathetic "flesh bag"
who lives with his mommy! I hate the living.

Signed by your so-called "pathetic" fleshbag critic,
Skye

While hating the human race is an improvement, I sense a psychological disturbance in you. In fact, I believe that you are projecting your own situation onto me in an effort to release your anger. In answer to that, I must instead council you to try breaking things to relieve your stress. Try doing it with your head. Let me know if that fails to knock some sense in to you.

And incidentally, I do have a lot of time on my hands. You know why? BECAUSE I'M A RETIRED WAR VETERAN. There isn't a lot of work for us, you notice, especially when we're of the Giant Robot variety.

Hey there, Bonecrusher.

Hate to break it to you, but I survived the road trip, although I did
hit a nasty blizzard in New York.

Anyway, I was playing the Wii version of the Transformers game that's
based off that Michael Bay movie you hate so much, when I realized
that you're hardly in the game at all. You're only in two missions,
and I have to protect you from military gunfire in both of them while
playing as Starscream. What in the world is up with that? I know
that you're no weakling, and definately wouldn't need protection from
another Decepticon, especially Starscream. Care to enlighten me about
why such missions portraying you as a weakling, when you clearly
aren't, exist in this game?

Rin

Rin, I'm beginning to think you're either flirting with me or stalking me. I would recommend not trying either. The last time someone tried that, they woke up with their legs three miles from their torso.

As for the game, I had issues with Activision. They could never get my play style correct - you'd think it be easy, just run around and hit things, but NO, they couldn't do it. No matter what they tried, it failed to live up to the fact that I didn't hate it. After I killed two of their executives and ran over a third, they finally decided to 'remove me from the game.' Knowing that, I left, not realizing that by 'removing me', they meant 'throwing me in as a worthless side-character'. I wasn't happy.

You'll notice the game got bad reviews. I'm the reason why. Journalists will say anything if you threaten to bludgeon them to death with their own legs. I also have the top programmers for the game on my hit list. They moved their Headquarters to another country because of it. Good riddance.

A Small Story

Megatron once told me 'If you're ever unsure what to do, destroy everything without a Decepticon symbol on it.' Unfortunately, I wasn't paying attention at the time, so I heard it as 'Destroy everything.'

These are words to live by. You humans like to pretend that violence does not solve problems. It's been my observation that if violence doesn't solve a problem, you're not using enough of it.

You see, there are two primary ways to deal with something you don't like. The first goes like this: you can ignore it and hope it goes away. Now, this is an excellent strategy if you're low on Energon or just plain too lazy to do something about. It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in reality, I'm actively waiting for my problems to leave.

The other option is 'hit it until there's nothing left'. I far prefer this one. This is why, yesterday, I razed an entire town.

You see, the place where I live seems to be getting tired of me randomly sending people to the intensive care unit. I can't understand why - I would think the doctors would be happy for the increase in work. But, regardless, they decided to send a couple cops and a few Autobots to politely ask me to stop. Apparently, they don't realize that being a giant death machine comes with certain privileges. I cleared that misconception really quick.

But, unhappy with the fact that they had to hire a new police force, they sent out more to bother me. They are slow learners, these humans. By the third round though, it was just getting annoying. So I got a couple of Decepticon war-buddies together, inebriated them on rich Energon, and marched us downtown to have a talk with the mayor. One thing lead to another, and, well, a good portion of the city went up in flames.

The moral of today's story is 'Leave Bonecrusher alone when he wants to be alone.' Also 'If it annoys you, blow it up.' Good? Good.

World History at a Glance

Feeling immensely bored yesterday, and needing something to Hate, I decided to look into your human history logs and see what idiocies happened while your species was forming. I was surprised. It's a wonder you monkeys learned how to breathe properly.

HUMAN HISTORY - Big Bang to Present

Bazillions of Years Ago - Earth forms from cooling gases and hardening things, creating conditions ripe for organic life and immediately realizes the mistake it's made.

-65+/- Million Years Ago - Bunch of Giant Lizards walk the Earth, Die.

-2.5 Million Years Ago - Some Monkeys get that it's a good idea to walk upright. Rest of Universe laughs at them.

-10,000 BC - Some genius gets the idea to put a rock on the end of a stick and whack things with it. At this time, Cybertronians have already explored the greater whole of this galaxy. Just thought I should mention that.

-8000 BC +/- - It occurs to humans that dropping fruits in the ground makes trees grow there. This new idea spreads, and soon you're all feeling mighty proud of yourselves. The Quintessons come and take 400 human captives away for experimentation. This leads to the creation of- wait. I'm not supposed to tell you that yet. Never Mind.

-4000 BC +/- - The Invention of Government, which, 6000 years later, hasn't changed from rich guys arguing about unimportant things.

2500 BC - A lost Cybertronian gets dumped on Earth in the Middle of the Desert. He enslaves an entire country, and makes them build monuments to him. Sadly, the best they can get are large triangular buildings. Before he can do more harm, Autobots pick him up and drag him off the planet. Humans make up a story about an important guy to make themselves look good. True story. Honest.

-500 BC - A bunch of guys invent actual fighting techniques, and take over the World. You call this Rome. We call them 'slow.'

-500 AD - Rome collapses for no good reason. Far be it for me to point out that despite the fact we're lead by a dolt, the Decepticons never did that.

-500-1000 AD - The Dark Ages. Stupidity and Ignorance reign. Same as now. Don't know why you needed a special term for it.

-1500 AD - This dinky little upstart nation named England becomes full of itself. Oh, and finally realizes they're on a big ugly ball spinning through space.

-1800 AD - A bunch of upstarts make a country called America and also become full of themselves. Also, humans discover that metal things are a good idea. The seeds of the great Robot Revolution start. But I'm not supposed to tell you about that, either.

-1900-1950 AD - Europe gets mad at itself and a big fight breaks out. Twice. Then Americans drop nukes, and the rest of the world ceases to matter.

-1980's AD - Transformers arrive on Earth, and are immediately sucked into a capitalist scheme to sell their image to little children. Sad.

-2000 AD - America becomes reaalllly full of itself. Computers take over the world.

-2007 AD - I start blogging and let the world know that I hate it. Clearly the most important event to happen thus far.

-2010 AD - Megatron blows up the planet. (Planned)


And there you have it. A completely accurate history of this dust ball. I hope it opened your eyes.

Mondays Are Mail Days

In case you forgot.

Dear Bonecrusher,

How does this "hating everything" deal work, anyway? Do you simply hate existence itself and, by extension, everything else automatically? Or do you just take things on a case-by-case basis, evaluating everything, and just happen to always end up hating it?

I guess what I'm asking is, is it theoretically possible that you might someday discover something you actually liked?

Your inexplicable fan,
Andy

Excellent question Andy. Yes, I do evaluate the universe on a case-by-case basis. For example, let's take you. You've already shown that you have too much free time by sending me an email, and the email is far-too-polite, which suggests either a holier-than-thou attitude, or you're really naive enough to respect me. Both of these, of course, are traits that I would hate. So already I've come up with a fairly good basis for hating you. Now, if I had met you in person, I could also determine that you were either A) Ugly, B) Too Good Looking, or C) Decidedly Average, all of which are qualities that are annoying, as well as more reasons to discriminate against you based on your height, weight, age, hair color, eye color, tone of voice, clothes that you wear, and the general look on your face. As you can see, I can easily find all sorts of reasons to begin hating you.

It is possible, in theory, that I will run into something I don't hate. But previous experience has taught me not to expect that, or even consider it a viable theory.

NEXT.

Hello again, Bonecrusher.

I'm currently on one of those dreaded road trips right now, and
finally got some time to sit down and hop onto the computer so I could
read your blog. I just happened to think something as I read your
most recent posts. If you hate being a Decepticon so much, does that
mean that somewhere deep down inside you, you secretly wish you were
an Autobot even though you claim to hate them?

Rin

No. The Autobots are oppressive, tyrannical, moronic, and dare to hide behind the concept of justice. The Decepticons are exactly the same, but at least we have the good graces to be open about. Though I hate them, they are the lesser of two evils. Plus they are less likely to yell at me when I break bystanders heads.

And good luck surviving your road trip. And by 'good luck', I mean 'I hope your car breaks down in the middle of the desert.'

Are you READY FOR SOME FOOT BALL

So, apparently you mindless little skin sacks have a big sports event coming up this weekend. But before I explore that, a word on Cybertronian sports.

The closest thing we developed to what you humans call 'Sports' was the Gladiator Pits. It was from this underground network that I, Megatron, and most of the other top-tier Decepticon's got their start. The Pits were a glorious mess of death and carnage. They were brutal - 9/10 times, the loser died. I rarely lost. Megatron never did. Good times. I hated them.

The Autobots, of course, banned the Pits as soon as they found out about them. That's part of what lead to the Decepticon Revolution. So in a way, we Decepticons have our roots in sports.

And now, I can only hope your football players get up the nerve to do the same.

So when I found out this 'Superbowl' thing - thanks to Skywarp, Thundercracker and Blitzwing, who are all major ESPN fans now - I decided to look a little more in to it.

For a brief moment, I thought you humans had found something almost worthwhile. Eleven guys on each side line up, pause, then beat the living slag out of each other for no good reason. Then I realized they were fighting for a ball - and not even a normal ball, some ugly shaped one. It went down hill from that point - ridiculous rules (Unnecessary roughness? Really?), a bizarre point-system that makes no sense, and this sickening sense of teamwork between the players. Ugh, and I was so hopeful. And why is it called Football, anyway? The ball rarely touches anybody's foot. That's sad.

So basically my advice to you is to strip all that out, and just play 'Beat the Slag Out Of Each Other Ball'. Much better game, I would think.

So Sunday is the big football game, and Skywarp already insists that I come and watch it. I'll beat the slag out of him, then do it anyway, so I can mock it. The teams this year are apparently the 'Patriots' (I don't really need to say how stupid this name is, do I?) and the Giants (Better, but they do not look like Giants to me. They look like scrawny little flesh sacks, just like the lot of you.) Yeah, this sounds reaaaalll exciting. Enjoy watching your stupid game, Fleshlings.


Incidentally, my Energon Chips are on a scoreless game being won by the Giants in the last minute due to a bad call by a referee. That's how these things always turn out.