Decepticons

Now this one might get me into trouble, but as often the case when I get into trouble, I don't care.

It sucks being a Decepticon. I hate it, and though they won't admit it, so do most Decepticons. The hours are long, the pay sucks, and oh yeah, your boss is a freaking slag heap. There was a time when I once almost respected Megatron, which is the only reason I got in on the Cons in the first place. Then he built that giant purple griffen thing, and it went downhill from there.

Megatron is strong in body, but one of the stupidest individuals you've ever seen. I mean, his alt mode was a Hand Gun - a SLAGGING HAND GUN. There's nothing more humiliating then having your terrifying leader get locked in an alternate mode, and you have to drag it off the battlefield as the Autobots laugh. I wish I could say that only happened once, but it didn't. Fortunately, he finally wised up (after several thousand years of that war) and got himself a jet alt mode, which is still slagging ugly.

Then there's Starscream. Don't get me started on that pompous, self-important twit. I'm fairly sure he's the only Decepticon ever to have posed for Playbot. When he got the makeover for Bay's movie, his reaction was wonderful and priceless. Seeing him suffer so brought a tiny amount of joy to my spark. Then he started taking it out on everybody else, and I hated him again.

Then there's Soundwave. That monotone suckup is obnoxious, always trailing around kissing Megatron's skidplate and rattling on people who have the slightest bit negative to say about anyone. I'm fairly sure he's the reason I haven't made it to Decepticon Second in Command by now. Not that I'd want the job. It looks like it sucks.

And there's a whole huge assortment of other morons, egomaniacs, weaklings, psychopaths, dullards, and just plain stupid Decepticon's in our ranks. It's really pretty pathetic. How we lasted as long as we did in the war is beyond me, really.

Autobots

Now, it should come as no surprise to you that I hate Autobots. It should come as no surprise that there isn't a Decepticon in the galaxy who won't tell you the same thing, and it should come as no surprise that they hate us right back.

You see, the Autobot/Decepticon war began when the Autobots attacked us (Depending on who you believe). I wasn't around for the start of it, but if we attacked them first, I'm sure they deserved it. Whatever happened, the initial skirmish blossomed out of control and it took a couple hundred thousand years to sort it all out.

By the time we got here, the war had ended, and the Autobot's had won on a technicality. Most Decepticon's aren't happy about that. It also didn't help that they got to Hasbro first, and thus every bit of our portrayal on this stupid planet has painted us as the 'bad guys'. It makes you want to blow up a bunch of innocent bystanders.

It also gave the Autobot's this insufferable attitude of smugness. Like, for example, this email I received recently.

Ahhh My Dear Bonecrusher,

I see your self therapy is coming along quite nicely. I wouldn't peg you as an Oprah watcher but I'm assuming your are. She's always talking about how journals are a good way to get out all your anger. You can't help it if you always get your butt kicked in the end. That would make me hate too. I know that you will never get over that fact which makes me a happy bot. I will get to look forward to more wonderful rants that my fellow Autobots and I find extremely entertaining. I won't ask you what you hate. I already know.

Cheerio,

Jazz

Self therapy? Oprah? Journals? What the slagging heck is this guy blabbing about? I have clearly stated that I only do this for the benefit of you poor humans who don't know the first thing about hatred.

So listen, 'Jazz' (And have I mentioned that Autobot's also pick the stupidest Earth names for themselves? I mean, really), you may think you're a top notch psychiatrist diagnosing me from the internet, but really, you're just another pathetic Autobot scumbag who shoulda been eradicated along with the rest of your kind. I hate Oprah, and I'm fairly sure I don't need to list reasons for that (though it wouldn't surprise me if a bunch of sissy's like yourselves routinely showed up to her shows to get the worthless free slag she dolly's out like candy), and self-therapy is the idea of oversensitive twit brains who have no problems of their own. And to top that off, I don't have a problem - I revel in it. So you can bite my fender.

In fact, I think I'll diagnose you with 'extreme idiocy'. Sadly, the only cure for that is a good solid pounding. I would be pleased to administer treatment, if you'll hold still long enough for me to catch you.

Angry, with a chance of Hate

One of the singular most effective tools you fleshbags came up with for annoying people is the Weather Report. This sprawling industry is one of the few where people still believe them, despite the fact that their track record is approximately 0%.

As noted in a previous post, I hate rain. If there is a good chance of rain, I won't leave, mostly because I hate it so slagging much. Well, the other day, I decided to head out for a stroll (and by stroll, I mean looking for something to break). But before I did, I glanced at the weather forecast, to make sure there were no unpleasant surprises waiting for me.

Come to think of it, has there *ever* been a surprise that is not negative? I would thing 'unpleasant surprise' is a double-negative, seeing as how all surprises inevitably end up harming or embarrassing you. Once, Skywarp tried to throw a Surprise Party for me. Of course, everything ended up disastrous (I hate parties) and I ended up punching Skywarp through a wall. So, surprises suck all around. But I digress.

Anyway, so I stepped outside, and went on my excursion. Broke a couple cars, beat up some flesh bags, ran over a guys puppy, you know, stuff like that. Then, without warning, someone opened up the flood gates.

You human insects have this story about this guy who built a big boat to survive a lot of rain, well, he had NOTHING on this storm. I haven't seen rain this heavy since the last time I complained about it.

So I immediately headed home, driving through entire oceans that were forming due to this downpour. With righteous indignation I pulled up the weather page, only to find it said there was a 'possibility' of 'light rain'.

The next time I saw a weather man on my TV, I punched the TV in. And now I have a broken TV too. I hate weather forcasters.

A Day At the Movies

So, I went to the Cinema the other day. Now, it's not often I will tolerate human produced slag, but this one piqued my curiosity. It's called Cloverfield (Why, I haven't the faintest), and it's about a giant thing destroying stuff. Now, in my mind, that's a formula so simple that even you humans couldn't get it wrong. Well, YOU DID. But more on that in a minute.

First, I want to give you the quick impressions I had while trying to get into the theater.
- Traffic: Lousy
- Parking: Also Lousy. It's times like these I'm glad I don't have too. Suckers.
- Popcorn: 24$ a Bucket, and Lousy
- Seats: Too Small, Uncomfortable, Not Designed For Cybertronian Rears
- Floor - I don't want to know what it was that caused my feet to stick
- Service - Lousy
- Theater Tickers - More Overpriced then the Popcorn
- Crowd - Obnoxious and Noisy
- Previews - For movies no one in their right mind would ever even consider seeing.

So, as you've probably figured out, I was already not in the best of moods when the movie itself actually started.

You humans have this thing about not wanting to know the end of the movie, so it's only fair I give you a heads up: Don't waste your time.

Nobody warned me this movie wasn't actually about a bunch of fleshsacks running, panting, gasping, screaming, and generally being obnoxious. It's an hour and a half of that. Fortunately, they are all put out of their misery in various painful looking ways, so I give the movie props for that. Unfortunately, the movie itself never wants to actually show you what's being destroyed. Which is really, really, a cop out. So with my only reason for wanting to see the movie lost in the background, I found myself desperate to go out and show this idiots how to *really* tear up a major metropolitan area. Sadly, that would require another roadtrip, and I'm not about to do that again.

A couple humans there also complained about the camera movement making them sick, and sense anything that makes humans miserable is fine by me, I'll let them get away with it.

Overall, I hated the movie. Such an opportunity for you humans to almost redeem yourselves, and you fail miserably. As expected. You fleshbags suck. Hate more, slaggit!

My Inbox Is Weeping

It seems that every time I open my mailbox, another couple of you twits have decided to bother me. I'm arbitrarily declaring Monday's mail day so I don't have to do this every time I sit down.

Bonecrusher,

I am a big fan of the European exclusive Turbomasters and Predators. Please tell me why I should hate them as much as the barely-functioning wireless network at the UTDallas student housing.

Thanks,
Chris

Because they are bad toys. Duh. And you should be thankful for the bad internet connection - it keeps you from reading all the other useless stuff dumped on the internet.

Hey there, Bonecrusher.

You know what really irritates me? The fact that there are so many
people on the road who just don't know how to drive. Of course, when
I say people, I mean humans. I don't wanna offend any of you
transformers. Every time you flip on the news, you hear about these
'horrific accidents' in which nobody survives, everyone gets sent to
the ER, or the one at fault was just plain drunk. They always wonder
why there are so many accidents, but it just seems like they will give
a drivers license to just about anybody nowadays. I can't tell you
how many 'accidents' I've almost been in because humans just don't
know how to drive. Have you or any other Decepticon that can drive
ever had to deal with these 'accidents' that were caused by human
drivers?

Rin

Rin, you have no idea. Every time I go past a wreck on the road, I feel a deep sense of regret that I was not there to make the crash claim about 20 more cars. I am a firm and deep believer in the driving philosophy you humans call 'Road Rage' - that is, if someone makes me mad enough, I have every right to send their car flying off an overpass.

The worst part is how indignant the human drivers get, like they don't realize I've spent the last couple thousand years fighting a war, or something. If anything gives me a right to rule the road, it's that. But the real problem happens when an Autobot gets in your way. Remember that scene in the idiot movie I was in where me and Prime got in a big brawl on the middle of a freeway? Well, Bay, that unoriginal cheapskate, got the idea from an actual incident involving Runabout and Tracks - except what really happened is that Tracks was driving too slow in the passing lane, and Runabout got reeaaaaallly mad about it, and insulted Tracks Paintjob (Ugly with Flames. Like Bay's Prime, come to think of it.), then Tracks responded with a comment about Runabout's oil filter, and one thing led to another, and well, you know. I'm doubt there were any survivors that day.

And you are absolutely right about the stupidity of human drivers, but I have a hideous feeling that it comes with the territory.

Bloggity Blog Blog Blog

It never ceases to amaze me how much you humans really think of yourselves. You think that you're funny (Hint: You are Not), attractive (See Previous Comment), Intelligent (Do I really have to keep doing this?) and other trivial things. And nowhere is this attitude of self-importance more readily available then the Blogs of the Internet.

Now, to give credit where it's due, the idea of a universal network occured to you fleshbags much earlier in your developmental stage then most other species (The Quintessons, for example, all hate each other too much to risk sharing ideas, and the Nebulons were in space before they figured out the simple idea of wiring computers together). That said, you certainly don't have the faintest idea WHAT to do with this network.

I'm not going to bother to name names, but if you click that 'next blog' up there, you'll get a random blog from the rest of this network. And it doesn't matter which one of the thousands it is, I guarantee it will show off the dredges of human society. Clicking randomly up there, I found a guy prattling about the weather, some persons pathetic artwork of sunsets (Apparently you can't bother to go outside and watch it yourself), and guy complaining about how much his job sucked. Of all the possible uses on the internet, THIS is the best you could come up with? How sad is that.

Fortunately, you have *my* blog to set things straight. You're welcome.

Email Email Email

Ah, how refreshing it is to check my email, and find that more of you fleshbags have taken it upon yourself to bother me. Two this time, no less.

Hello Bonecrusher! I just thought I'd let you know that I might have found someone who can possibly beat you. You see, on Earth we have this soldier called the Master Chief. He single-handedly destroyed an entire alien armada, a giant ring world, a malicious parasite bent on consuming the galaxy, and a psychotic and extremely intelligent alien AI. If he can do all that, what's to stop him from taking you out next?

Umm, what? What makes you think I'm unbeatable? Why do you think *I'm* not leading the Decepticons? Because Megatron beat the slag out of me, that's why. That said, you are kidding, right? This Master Chief is a human. I am approximately 30 feet taller then he is. I am a Cybertronian death machine. He's a guy with a gun. Suuuure he'll beat me. Right.

Moving on...

Hello Bonecrusher,
I suppose I could say I hate multiple things, but there's one that drives me over the edge of insanity.
People.
A person has the potential for semi-intelligence, however people are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals.
When they get emotional to any extreme, overly hyped, depressed, panicked, it irritates me. Their hyper voices make my skin crawl, weepy women make me ill, and panicky people are the only amusement.

People are the Bane of my existence. Care to Comment?
Aishe G. Is that name real enough for ya??

Now here's a human I can almost appreciate. You certainly have the attitude right, miss. That said, you are also missing the fact that they are small, squishy, and annoying at any age. However, I also have the distinct feeling you are more 'emo' and less 'hate filled'. Let your hate get you angry, not depressed. Release your rage and blah blah blah.

Good start though. There may be hope for some of skin sacks yet.

Ninja

I'm finally over that little virus you wretches gave me. But now I feel bad again because I dared to open my email today, and received this little gem that made me feel just as bad.

Dear Bonecrusher,
I was wondering if there are any Ninja transformers on cybertron, and what you thought of the Ninjas here on earth.

DarkNinja

First off, 'DarkNinja'? Really? What kind of name is that? The kind that a 3-year old would attach to think it made them look cool. Apparently, using your real name, probably something like 'Louis' or 'Reginald' makes you look too sissy, so instead, you decided to make it all 'cool' with 'DarkNinja'. Here's a wake-up call 'Louis' - the name 'DarkNinja' makes you look STUPID, not COOL. Not that any name could possibly make you look cool.

Secondly, what is this? This is not 'Ask Bonecrusher About Cybertronian Culture', it's 'Ask Bonecrusher What He Hates'. What makes you think *I* know anything about Cybertronian Ninja's anyway? But since I don't have anything better to do, I'll answer your stupid question anyway.

Ok, so now that I've got that off my chest - I don't know if we have any Cybertronian Ninja's per-se (not that it matters, because Ninja's are overrated these days anyway), but I've heard Sixshot works as a Ninja Consultant. Otherwise, well, no. Cybertronians don't need to kype martial arts from you humans, we have our own. The higher ranking Autobots know Diffusion techniques (and let me tell you, those hurt), and we also have Crystalocution, Circuit-Su, and Metallikato. I tried Metallikato once, and just standing hurts more then those Diffusion techniques. I used to know a couple Crystalocution masters as well, and they were all Jerks who didn't know how to actually fight. Now me, I've master the art of 'Punch-You-In-The-Face-And-Beat-the-Living-Slag-Out-Of-You-Itsu'. I find it quite effective.

Oh yeah, there's also that Prowl guy for Animated, who pretends to be a Ninja, but he's not.

As Cybertron Turns...

Still sick. Too tired to break things now. Only option left is to lie around and watch TV.

And man, you fleshlings have slaggy TV. I will give a billion credits to whoever can tell me what the deal with Oprah is.

But, I suppose I can't complain too much. Cybertronian TV is worse. You know those pathetic 'daytime soaps', as you call them? We have something just like them. Except ours try to pretend to be famous figures in our history. As a comparison for you fleshlings, it would be like watching a soap opera about Eleanor and Franklin D Roosevelt, except Eleanor is having an affair with Joesph Stalin, and Hilter is the funny comic character who wanders in drunk every other episode.

Actually, come to think of it, that might almost be good. Wait... what am I saying? This virus is getting to me. Blech.

But back to Cybertron TV. It sucks. If our soap opera's sound bad (and trust me, they are), you haven't even considered our game shows. A couple of bots named Raindance and Grand Slam host this thing where they get unfortunate Transformers on to stage to prove that no Cybertronian alive has any talent whatsoever at singing. If you can keep up with the lyrics of 15 songs pulled randomly from across the entire Universe, you get a million credits. Nobody has done it yet. For which, I am truly grateful. Because seeing that would probably break me.

Assuming this virus doesn't break me first. Bleah.

Sick, Sick, Sick

You wouldn't think a giant death-robot would get sick. But we do. And it's your fault. And I hate you for it.

Ok, fess up. Which one of you guys sent that virus to my email? Dear Whoever You Are: If I find you, you are meat. But also know this - any and all destruction occurring during the next week or so is entirely your fault.

You see, when a Cybertronian gets sick, our circuitry goes haywire. And when that happens, well, things in our general vicinity tend to break. We don't sneeze, but our weapons go off randomly. Megatron got a virus once that destroyed half of Cybertron. Anyone who survived that day became a war hero simply by the virtue of still being alive. And if you think that sounds bad, you can't even comprehend the horror of, say, Metroplex getting one of these. It's bad. Real bad.

So when you read about an Earthquake decimating an entire state in the paper tomorrow, know that YOU caused it. I'm going outside, and I hope you got caught in the aftermath.

As soon as this misery is over, I'm getting a spam filter. I hate you all.

Mail Call

So, I received this lovely gem in my inbox the other day.

Hello Bonecrusher,

I have a question for you. Do you like anything? Or is it only lesser levels of hating? Liking the hating doesn't count either, I mean do you actually like anything about life on earth? Surely there must be something in your existence that gives you joy, and again I don't mean hating giving you joy, I mean something you genuinely like.

Regards,

Mike

And I have a question for you, 'Mike' - if that's your real name. Do you not pay attention, or what?

I Hate EVERYTHING. See that big word right there? Yes, that word is 'everything'. Everything means All of It. The whole shebang. The entire Universe, and then some. And because I Hate Everything, that means that by default, I cannot like anything. I know this is difficult for your little fleshy mind to comprehend, but yes, I do, in fact, Hate Everything.

Now, you are correct on one point. There are things I hate less then other things - marginally less, but yes, still less. But I still hate them, you see. For example, given the choice between rain or snow, I would kill the person making me choose. Then I would take the snow. Because while it is well documented that I hate rain, snowing is only that much worse. I hate rain slightly less then I hate snow. And don't get me started on a clear, sunny day. Ugh. Disgusting.

In answer to your second question, no there is not a thing on this planet, or anywhere else, that I genuinely like. One of the inevitable questions that always comes up is 'Do you hate hating things?', so let me just get that out of the way right now. Yes. I hate hating things. Somewhere, deep inside my spark, in it's darkest recesses, I wish I didn't hate everything, that I could find joy in some tiny thing in the universe. But then I snap out of it- even the tiny things in the universe are, when you get right down to it, tiny pieces of slag. And I hate it all.

And before you ask, yes, I also hate myself. And you too. For asking stupid questions.

Too Busy for What?

You know what I hate? More then usual, that is. When someone is 'too busy' to make an important deadline.

Yesterday, I found myself in desperate need for a quick fix-up before an important audition for the upcoming Go-Bots movie. By 'need for a quick fix-up', I of course mean, 'someone to shove my arm back into its socket'. Starscream and I had a gentleman's disagreement, and one thing led to another and, well, let's just say I let him off easy.

Unfortunately, there are no Decepticon doctors on Earth (or on Cybertron, for that matter - the Decepticon Philosophy states that if you can't fix it yourself, it doesn't deserve to be fixed. This is why Shockwave has only one hand. What *he* won't tell you, is that he lost it to an overzealous food processor), so as loathe as I was to do it, I had to contact the Autobot's stationed medic.

Now, I figured that since Ratchet and I starred in Bay's idiot movie together, he'd take only slightly less convincing then any other Autobot (Convincing is measured in humans held as hostages), but to my surprise, he was more then happy to put my arm back on. The guy's a bigger dolt then I thought. Obviously, he forgot the four hundred and ninety-three times I had tried to take his head off. But not one to miss taking advantage of any no-good Autobot, I headed to the designated meeting place, carrying my dislocated arm in tow. I showed up a tad early, and began to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And at about the end of 2 hours, I was quite mad. I called up Ratchet, and he apologized profusely, saying something had 'come up'. Something about Megatron blowing up Optimus, or some such nonsense. Pfft, like I care. So I abused him verbally for a bit, and he promised he'd show up in five minutes.

An hour later, I rang him up again. He told me some nonsense about him being in high demand, being the only Cybertronian doctor on the planet, so I yelled at him some more.

After about 4 hours of this back and forth, he finally showed up, shoved my arm back in it's socket, and managed to get away before I could dislocate *his* arm. But by the time I got to where the audition was supposed to be held, it was well over. It looks like I won't be in that Go-Bot movie afterall. Just as well, I would have hated it.

Oh, as to where I was Wednesday? I was busy. Deal with it.