Bonecrusher's Blog of Hate

Name's Bonecrusher. If you're reading this, I hate you. If you're not reading this, I hate you. Actually, I just hate you period. In fact, I hate everything. This blog examines the subtleties and complexities about this mindset, which flashbags like yourselves can only hope to ever achieve. Good luck with that.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

World History at a Glance

Feeling immensely bored yesterday, and needing something to Hate, I decided to look into your human history logs and see what idiocies happened while your species was forming. I was surprised. It's a wonder you monkeys learned how to breathe properly.

HUMAN HISTORY - Big Bang to Present

Bazillions of Years Ago - Earth forms from cooling gases and hardening things, creating conditions ripe for organic life and immediately realizes the mistake it's made.

-65+/- Million Years Ago - Bunch of Giant Lizards walk the Earth, Die.

-2.5 Million Years Ago - Some Monkeys get that it's a good idea to walk upright. Rest of Universe laughs at them.

-10,000 BC - Some genius gets the idea to put a rock on the end of a stick and whack things with it. At this time, Cybertronians have already explored the greater whole of this galaxy. Just thought I should mention that.

-8000 BC +/- - It occurs to humans that dropping fruits in the ground makes trees grow there. This new idea spreads, and soon you're all feeling mighty proud of yourselves. The Quintessons come and take 400 human captives away for experimentation. This leads to the creation of- wait. I'm not supposed to tell you that yet. Never Mind.

-4000 BC +/- - The Invention of Government, which, 6000 years later, hasn't changed from rich guys arguing about unimportant things.

2500 BC - A lost Cybertronian gets dumped on Earth in the Middle of the Desert. He enslaves an entire country, and makes them build monuments to him. Sadly, the best they can get are large triangular buildings. Before he can do more harm, Autobots pick him up and drag him off the planet. Humans make up a story about an important guy to make themselves look good. True story. Honest.

-500 BC - A bunch of guys invent actual fighting techniques, and take over the World. You call this Rome. We call them 'slow.'

-500 AD - Rome collapses for no good reason. Far be it for me to point out that despite the fact we're lead by a dolt, the Decepticons never did that.

-500-1000 AD - The Dark Ages. Stupidity and Ignorance reign. Same as now. Don't know why you needed a special term for it.

-1500 AD - This dinky little upstart nation named England becomes full of itself. Oh, and finally realizes they're on a big ugly ball spinning through space.

-1800 AD - A bunch of upstarts make a country called America and also become full of themselves. Also, humans discover that metal things are a good idea. The seeds of the great Robot Revolution start. But I'm not supposed to tell you about that, either.

-1900-1950 AD - Europe gets mad at itself and a big fight breaks out. Twice. Then Americans drop nukes, and the rest of the world ceases to matter.

-1980's AD - Transformers arrive on Earth, and are immediately sucked into a capitalist scheme to sell their image to little children. Sad.

-2000 AD - America becomes reaalllly full of itself. Computers take over the world.

-2007 AD - I start blogging and let the world know that I hate it. Clearly the most important event to happen thus far.

-2010 AD - Megatron blows up the planet. (Planned)

And there you have it. A completely accurate history of this dust ball. I hope it opened your eyes.

1 comment:

Soundwave said...

Bonecrusher, Megatron delayed that plan. It is now set to 2011, reason being, "Need to find way out of this blasted ocean first." I guess i forgot to send you the memo