Spam

There was one more Email I got last week, and it was too... irritating to let go to waste.

TELEGRAMA

NÚMERO DO TELEGRAMA: 795315681 IDENT: INF045968745BR

Você acabou de receber um Telegrama Online dos: correios
O "Novo Telegrama" está cheio de novidades,
mais uma coisa não mudou, quem recebe, lê!

Para ler seu telegrama clique aqui ou na imagem
abaixo.

*Serviço disponivel 24 horas por dia.


Após o processo de recepção,todo o trâmite será automático, não há intermidiação humana durante o processamento interno no SGM, oque confere total confidencialidade, confiabilidade e segurança ao conteúdo da mensagem.

Dear Whoever Sent me this mail: WHAT?

It linked back to this, which I have no idea what it is, and had a bunch of other dead links in it. Apparently, someone things I know - what is that supposed to be? Spanish? Not according to every online translator I could find.

A little more research turns up the fact that it's Portugese. I don't even know where that's supposed to be. I hunted down Squawktalk (Another war buddy - language specialist. Was useful when we first landed on Earth, hasn't been useful since.) so I could try and decipher this mysterious message, which may have been incredibly important, or at least amusing. It somehow managed to be neither.

TELEGRAM NUMBER OF THE TELEGRAM: 795315681 IDENT: INF045968745BR You it finished to receive a Online Telegram from: post offices the "New Telegram" is full of new features, plus a thing did not move, who receives, reads! To read its telegram here click or in the image below. * Service disponivel 24 hours per day. After the reception process, all the proceeding will be automatic, does not have intermidiação human being during the internal processing in the SGM, oque confers total confidencialidade, trustworthiness and security to the content of the message.

I really don't think I can top that.

So, today I learned that the wonders of the internet allow people to send me messages that don't work in languages I can't read. If it weren't so pathetically sad, it would be funny.

Big Email Day

I promised you emails, and since I hate breaking promises, here you go. (I hate keeping promises too, but I also hate dishonesty more than honesty and - just don't ask me any more philosphical questions, OK?)

Dear Bonecrusher. since you have been living on EarthI would like to know your opinion on human femeales. Oh , how I hate them... With Decepticons we know were they stand. They might want to kill/main/burn you, but at least hey are honest with that. Human females are sneaky, manipulative and cold person who will resort to any dirty trick in the book to get what they want. I hate them. I also hate you too.

My hatefull respects

Johny

I hate females (Gasp, who saw that one coming), who are only slightly more obnoxious then males. But I think the thing I hate the most is the demented idea you humans have about trying to reveal as much of a human female as possible without doing it. Now, my first instinct was to laugh at you humans for wearing clothes, but since I found out what you look underneath, I've become much more comfortable with the idea - and the one thing I don't want to see is more of you. Dear Humanity: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF PRIMUS KEEP YOURSELF COVERED. Ugh.

Though I will say that the way you describe them, females would make very good Decepticons. However, we don't need fleshies in our Decepticon ranks, so forget it.

Hey Bonecrusher! Remember me? No?! Good because I love to say my name! It's Mixmaster, buddy! I just saw your blog and thought it would be good to tell you that me and Scrapper got a job at the next Transformers show, "Animating" or something, and you see, we kind of need... more "body parts" for Devastator and I heard you're unemployed and... well you got the drill.

I'm waiting for your reply.

Love, Mixmaster.

LOOK! THAT DEVASTATOR THING NEVER HAPPENED AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED! I'M NOT GOING BACK! LEAVE ME THE SLAG ALONE!

I am NOT being a freaken Arm again.

Hey, Bonecrusher,

I've read your blog for quite a while now. And I must say, you have quite a view on hating things.

Also, I've seen all the things you've said about the Decepticons, like that "dolt" Megatron and the "so-full-of-himself" Starscream to be precise.

But what do you think (or as you may prefer, HATE) about the other Decepticons you've worked with recently? I mean, really? Like, per se, the badass Blackout (though, after taking out a whole military base, he was owned by an airstrike and a sabot-shot to the crotch), the insect-like Scorponok, the bad cop Barricade, that deranged cybernetic imp from hell Frenzy, and (of course), the heavily armed Brawl/Devastator (take your pick)?

Can't wait to hear your response! XD!!!

Scorponok was a special effect. The real Scorponok was too big, and more importantly too bad of an actor to get into the film. Brawl - yes, that's his real name -I haven't seen for awhile. After they got his name wrong and refused to fix it, he went back to Cybetron to sulk. I hear he's still there. Hes a stuck-up snob, and couldn't handle the blow to his ego. Barricade was a nobody 'till he got his roll in the film, and now he's going around like he's freaken Optimus Prime or something. Just blah-blah-blah I was the REAL Decepticon star blah blah. Last I heard of him, he was doing a cross country tour of all the Krispy Kremes. Blackout's strange. He creeps me out for some reason. He's got an attitude I just can't pin down - he's pretty vain, obsessed with fashion, bizarrely nice, and has a very strange tone of voice (which is why he didn't talk in the film). Don't quite know what's going on with him - he keeps saying things like he's 'fabulous'. What the slagging heck does THAT mean?
And Frenzy? He's just plain annoying. I'd tell him to lay off the coffee, but he doesn't drink Coffee. I suspect drugs.

Hi,

I have a question regarding your hatred. Do you hate cover things that simply aren't? I.E, do you hate that Megatron is the Autobot leader even though he is anything but?

Please don't step on me,
Chris

Why would I hate something that doesn't exist? That's it. You're getting stepped on.

Golden Statues

I'll do Emails Wednesday, because right now I'm really slagging angry.

As you all know, I hated that movie I starred in. But when you work on something and are up for an award for your hard and painful effort of smashing through buses daily, you tend to get a little prideful about it.

Well, last night was the great big Academy Awards ceremony, where a bunch of morons dulled out awards. My movie, as you probably know, sucked in all areas but one - it looked really pretty. Lots of good looking explosions and stuff. Yeah, I hate how overdone they were, but it was much better than that stuck-up fish from the Pirate movie and that bear who does the soda commercials.

I wasn't there last night, but I heard Optimus and Megatron were both ready to walk up and accept the award jointly. In fact, all us bot's who were in the movie showed up at Ratchet's place - yes, even me. What? He promised free Energon, but it was slaggy Energon. But whatever. So it's our turn to be in the spotlight, all the pain and suffering Michael Bay put us through and finally some recognition on this dirt ball. It's our moment... And...

They gave it to the slagging bear.
THE.
SLAGGING.
BEAR.

Megatron stormed out of the theater, and I think Optimus began to cry. Back where all the rest of us were watching, Starscream immediately went beserk, going on about how much he suffered and how bad the make up hurt and how hot it was and how difficult it was and how many explosions he had to make and how good it looked and how it just wasn't fair... I think Ironhide was the one who broke the TV. Blackout and Ratchet hugged and cried (that was really awkward...) and Bumblebee turned off the TV and started playing a very violent video game. Were we mad? SLAGGING YES. We practically sold our souls (and our poor beaten and bruised bodies) to freaken Hasbro and Michael Bay, and at the very least we deserve some recognition for it. And that Polar Bear? He was just doing the same thing he always does, lounging around and drinking beer (What, you think it's actually soda in there? Guess again!). No artistic credibility at all. He didn't even run through an explosion once, like I did, what, 14 times? I mean, at least the Fish-Face fellow did some acting. I wouldn't have minded quite so much if he had one, because at least he put effort into his roll. I hear he went and ordered out Los Angeles entire supply of rum to drown his sorrows. Wish I'd thought of that.

So why did the Bear win? Quite simple - cash. Lots and lots of dirty money snuck into Academy Voters pockets to guarantee his slaggy movie gets an award since nobody else in the world bothered to watch it. How do we know? Soundwave proved he was good for something.

Fortunately, as you have guessed by now, Decepticons do not take to being shafted lightly. Megatron is plotting war on Hollywood. I forsee much carnage and fun in the future. I'm pretty sure they won't be having an awards ceremony next year, if you get my drift.

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

Some people recently moved in next to me. Now that, of course, was a mistake. Perhaps a forgivable mistake -after all, it is easy for idiot humans to mistake a good giant robot for a bad giant robot, if they are blind, deaf, and only have one functioning brain cell. But that isn't why I was forced to destroy their house.

You see, someone in this family - I don't know which one - has an appreciation for music. Specifically, music that only has notes that go BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM at a very annoying and repetitive rate. This person would play this music going BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM for hours on end, even at the late hours when I'm trying to enter my rest cycle - and switching off my audials didn't help, because the bass was deep enough to shake the floor. And there is nothing more annoying that late at night then BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.

At first, I tried to retaliate using Cybertronian Street Metal. Cybertronian Street Metal was invented by Squawkbox, and it is the most obnoxious thing you have ever heard. It sounds, roughly, like a cat being put through a blender in the middle of an Earthquake. And throw some screams and sirens in there too. There is a good reason Squawkbox is no longer among the living.

So I hunted down Rumble and extorted his recording from him. I switched off my audials, cranked up the volume and let it go.

After awhile, convinced that no loving thing could survive such an auditory assault, I switched it off and tried to resume my rest cycle. Forty minutes later - you guessed it - BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.

That's when I knew I had to take drastic measures. Long story short, I gave them a BOOM they won't soon forget.

So to all you angsty humans who play your obnoxious music way-too-loud, consider this your only warning. I. Hate. That.

AIM and Stuff

So I ran into Starscream the 0ther day, online. I recorded the conversation for prosperity.

(ScreamingtheStars) Ah, Bonecrusher, it's good to see you're on.
(BonecrusherHates) The slagging heck it is. What do you want?
(ScreamingtheStars) Actually, I was hoping you could do me a favor.
(ScreamingtheStars) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) Are you there?
(BonecrusherHates) I didn't want to dignify that with a response. Ok, what?
(ScreamingtheStars) Ok, you know how I am infinitely more popular then you?
(BonecrusherHates) I had an inkling. *rolleyes*
(ScreamingtheStars) It's not as great as you think. And that's why I'm asking you.
(ScreamingtheStars) You see, I've got a bunch of, well, I think the proper term is 'fangirls'
(ScreamingtheStars) The won't leave me alone! They cluster outside my house, and yell that they love me.
(BonecrusherHates) Wow. I almost feel pity for you.
(BonecrusherHates) Almost.
(ScreamingtheStars) Well, the thing is... I want them gone. And since you like doing this kind of thing, I was wondering if you'd, you know, take care of them for me.
(BonecrusherHates) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) It would be a huge favor. I'd owe you big time.
(BonecrusherHates) Normally, I would jump on a chance to kill a bunch of innocents like that.
(BonecrusherHates) But then something occurs to me.
(BonecrusherHates) You were one of the most feared Decepticons in the war.
(ScreamingtheStars) Well, yes. But what does that have to do with anything?
(BonecrusherHates) Answer me this.
(BonecrusherHates) I once heard you brag that you could take 50 Autobots on at the same time.
(BonecrusherHates) And then you went out and did it.
(BonecrusherHates) Which, by the way, is the only reason Megatron never slagged you.
(BonecrusherHates) So if you can handle 50 Autobots all by yourself
(BonecrusherHates) HOW COME YOU CAN'T HANDLE A BUNCH OF HUMAN FEMALES?
(ScreamingtheStars) ....
(ScreamingtheStars) Because...
(BonecrusherHates) I'm waiting.
(ScreamingtheStars) I'd feel bad.
(BonecrusherHates) That's it. I'm sending this to Megatron.
(ScreamingtheStars) Go ahead. He's got his own squad of fangirls moping after him.
(BonecrusherHates) Somehow, I'm not surprised.
(ScreamingtheStars) Thanks for nothing.
(BonecrusherHates) You're welcome.
(BonecrusherHates) You know, it occurs to me that if your AIM name got out, then the 'fangirls' would have an entirely new way to harass you.
(ScreamingtheStars) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) You wouldn't slagging dare.
(BonecrusherHates) Oh. Would I?
(BonecrusherHates) :D
(ScreamingtheStars) I hate you.



Ps: Don't try. He deleted it already.

More Emails

Number of Emails this week. Here's a couple. Let's get this over with.

Bonecrusher,

If you hate everything, then that means you hate yourself do you not? That's how I'm reading this blog. You need a mental check and a serious self esteem boost dude. Remember the one email that you got from someone by the name of Skye? Several days ago? Yeah, personally, I think you're the one with the psychological disturbance and not her. Valentine's Day is gross to a certain degree, but you should at least love (or 'like' if you prefer it) yourself! In my opinion, anyone that doesn't at least love themselves (don't go overboard though!) have a mental issue. So, when you say "I hate everything", actually think about what you're saying for once in your life!

-Veronique

Sure, I hate Myself. Falls under 'everything', doesn't it? However, I disagree with your assertion that I also need a 'self esteem' boost. Self esteem leads to Pride, and Pride always come before a fall, and I make it my business to avoid falling.

If you ask me, loving yourself leads to far more mental issues then recognizing all the faults you have. If you haven't yet figured it out, I'm a realist, and I recognize everything for what it is. I hate myself because I'm self-centered, slow, and not stronger then Megatron. Now, acknowledging those things does far more for your mental health then pretending your all peachy. Maybe you should think about your faults more often. You'll probably end up a wad of self-loathing too. And I will laugh at you. Hah Hah.

Bonecrusher,

I know you'll hate me, but your blog is awesome.

How does it feel to have your head cut off? Did you still have a few seconds of processing after you were decapitated, like a human head has a couple seconds of oxygen and blood left to think with when we're decapitated? I've heard that's true and I was wondering if it's similar with robots...and you'd be the expert.

Suzy

My blog sucks. I hate it. But it's for a greater cause, so I deal with it.

Well, I wouldn't know exactly what it feels like - after all, there is a point where 'movie magic' takes over acting skills. If my head were to actually be pulled off, it would indeed be fatal. However, your question interested me, so I went and tracked down Frenzy, who has a decentralized processor, and thus can survive that. After beating him up for a bit, he answered your question: He said it really slaggin hurts.

Just thought you should know.

Self-Advertisement

The writers strike has ended, and finally those lazy good-for-nothings are back to work. And that means that yes, Transformers number 2 is back in production.

So today, I will forgo my normal blogging, and do something I hope never to do again.

Dear TF2 Writers:

As you may recall, I played an important part in the first Transformers movie. I feel that I was unable to put forth my true potential in the part. Despite this, my character was popular (as evidenced from the fact that I appeared in every trailer), so perhaps there is a chance that maybe I could return for the sequel?

As you may recall, I was excellent on-set, and I only killed 20 people. And think to yourselves, aren't you better off now that they aren't around to harass you anymore? I would like a chance to exercise my talent, and take a part in Number 2.

As per the last film, I am more then willing to blow many things up, and get in rough fights with other Cybertronians. Again I must remind you my appearance was a crowd pleaser, and thus my return would be welcomed. Even if I must play another character, I need the money, and would gladly take even a background part.

And if you don't, I will smash you into oblivion.

-Signed, Bonecrusher



Gah, that was the most horrible thing I've ever had to do. So much sucking up and faking 'niceness', UGH! Disgusting, Horrible, virtually obscene. I slagging hope I never have to do that again.

But if I do get in, at least I won't be forced to play in the slagging Gobot movie. Or, Primus forbid, Voltron.