Decepticons

Now this one might get me into trouble, but as often the case when I get into trouble, I don't care.

It sucks being a Decepticon. I hate it, and though they won't admit it, so do most Decepticons. The hours are long, the pay sucks, and oh yeah, your boss is a freaking slag heap. There was a time when I once almost respected Megatron, which is the only reason I got in on the Cons in the first place. Then he built that giant purple griffen thing, and it went downhill from there.

Megatron is strong in body, but one of the stupidest individuals you've ever seen. I mean, his alt mode was a Hand Gun - a SLAGGING HAND GUN. There's nothing more humiliating then having your terrifying leader get locked in an alternate mode, and you have to drag it off the battlefield as the Autobots laugh. I wish I could say that only happened once, but it didn't. Fortunately, he finally wised up (after several thousand years of that war) and got himself a jet alt mode, which is still slagging ugly.

Then there's Starscream. Don't get me started on that pompous, self-important twit. I'm fairly sure he's the only Decepticon ever to have posed for Playbot. When he got the makeover for Bay's movie, his reaction was wonderful and priceless. Seeing him suffer so brought a tiny amount of joy to my spark. Then he started taking it out on everybody else, and I hated him again.

Then there's Soundwave. That monotone suckup is obnoxious, always trailing around kissing Megatron's skidplate and rattling on people who have the slightest bit negative to say about anyone. I'm fairly sure he's the reason I haven't made it to Decepticon Second in Command by now. Not that I'd want the job. It looks like it sucks.

And there's a whole huge assortment of other morons, egomaniacs, weaklings, psychopaths, dullards, and just plain stupid Decepticon's in our ranks. It's really pretty pathetic. How we lasted as long as we did in the war is beyond me, really.

Autobots

Now, it should come as no surprise to you that I hate Autobots. It should come as no surprise that there isn't a Decepticon in the galaxy who won't tell you the same thing, and it should come as no surprise that they hate us right back.

You see, the Autobot/Decepticon war began when the Autobots attacked us (Depending on who you believe). I wasn't around for the start of it, but if we attacked them first, I'm sure they deserved it. Whatever happened, the initial skirmish blossomed out of control and it took a couple hundred thousand years to sort it all out.

By the time we got here, the war had ended, and the Autobot's had won on a technicality. Most Decepticon's aren't happy about that. It also didn't help that they got to Hasbro first, and thus every bit of our portrayal on this stupid planet has painted us as the 'bad guys'. It makes you want to blow up a bunch of innocent bystanders.

It also gave the Autobot's this insufferable attitude of smugness. Like, for example, this email I received recently.

Ahhh My Dear Bonecrusher,

I see your self therapy is coming along quite nicely. I wouldn't peg you as an Oprah watcher but I'm assuming your are. She's always talking about how journals are a good way to get out all your anger. You can't help it if you always get your butt kicked in the end. That would make me hate too. I know that you will never get over that fact which makes me a happy bot. I will get to look forward to more wonderful rants that my fellow Autobots and I find extremely entertaining. I won't ask you what you hate. I already know.

Cheerio,

Jazz

Self therapy? Oprah? Journals? What the slagging heck is this guy blabbing about? I have clearly stated that I only do this for the benefit of you poor humans who don't know the first thing about hatred.

So listen, 'Jazz' (And have I mentioned that Autobot's also pick the stupidest Earth names for themselves? I mean, really), you may think you're a top notch psychiatrist diagnosing me from the internet, but really, you're just another pathetic Autobot scumbag who shoulda been eradicated along with the rest of your kind. I hate Oprah, and I'm fairly sure I don't need to list reasons for that (though it wouldn't surprise me if a bunch of sissy's like yourselves routinely showed up to her shows to get the worthless free slag she dolly's out like candy), and self-therapy is the idea of oversensitive twit brains who have no problems of their own. And to top that off, I don't have a problem - I revel in it. So you can bite my fender.

In fact, I think I'll diagnose you with 'extreme idiocy'. Sadly, the only cure for that is a good solid pounding. I would be pleased to administer treatment, if you'll hold still long enough for me to catch you.

Angry, with a chance of Hate

One of the singular most effective tools you fleshbags came up with for annoying people is the Weather Report. This sprawling industry is one of the few where people still believe them, despite the fact that their track record is approximately 0%.

As noted in a previous post, I hate rain. If there is a good chance of rain, I won't leave, mostly because I hate it so slagging much. Well, the other day, I decided to head out for a stroll (and by stroll, I mean looking for something to break). But before I did, I glanced at the weather forecast, to make sure there were no unpleasant surprises waiting for me.

Come to think of it, has there *ever* been a surprise that is not negative? I would thing 'unpleasant surprise' is a double-negative, seeing as how all surprises inevitably end up harming or embarrassing you. Once, Skywarp tried to throw a Surprise Party for me. Of course, everything ended up disastrous (I hate parties) and I ended up punching Skywarp through a wall. So, surprises suck all around. But I digress.

Anyway, so I stepped outside, and went on my excursion. Broke a couple cars, beat up some flesh bags, ran over a guys puppy, you know, stuff like that. Then, without warning, someone opened up the flood gates.

You human insects have this story about this guy who built a big boat to survive a lot of rain, well, he had NOTHING on this storm. I haven't seen rain this heavy since the last time I complained about it.

So I immediately headed home, driving through entire oceans that were forming due to this downpour. With righteous indignation I pulled up the weather page, only to find it said there was a 'possibility' of 'light rain'.

The next time I saw a weather man on my TV, I punched the TV in. And now I have a broken TV too. I hate weather forcasters.

A Day At the Movies

So, I went to the Cinema the other day. Now, it's not often I will tolerate human produced slag, but this one piqued my curiosity. It's called Cloverfield (Why, I haven't the faintest), and it's about a giant thing destroying stuff. Now, in my mind, that's a formula so simple that even you humans couldn't get it wrong. Well, YOU DID. But more on that in a minute.

First, I want to give you the quick impressions I had while trying to get into the theater.
- Traffic: Lousy
- Parking: Also Lousy. It's times like these I'm glad I don't have too. Suckers.
- Popcorn: 24$ a Bucket, and Lousy
- Seats: Too Small, Uncomfortable, Not Designed For Cybertronian Rears
- Floor - I don't want to know what it was that caused my feet to stick
- Service - Lousy
- Theater Tickers - More Overpriced then the Popcorn
- Crowd - Obnoxious and Noisy
- Previews - For movies no one in their right mind would ever even consider seeing.

So, as you've probably figured out, I was already not in the best of moods when the movie itself actually started.

You humans have this thing about not wanting to know the end of the movie, so it's only fair I give you a heads up: Don't waste your time.

Nobody warned me this movie wasn't actually about a bunch of fleshsacks running, panting, gasping, screaming, and generally being obnoxious. It's an hour and a half of that. Fortunately, they are all put out of their misery in various painful looking ways, so I give the movie props for that. Unfortunately, the movie itself never wants to actually show you what's being destroyed. Which is really, really, a cop out. So with my only reason for wanting to see the movie lost in the background, I found myself desperate to go out and show this idiots how to *really* tear up a major metropolitan area. Sadly, that would require another roadtrip, and I'm not about to do that again.

A couple humans there also complained about the camera movement making them sick, and sense anything that makes humans miserable is fine by me, I'll let them get away with it.

Overall, I hated the movie. Such an opportunity for you humans to almost redeem yourselves, and you fail miserably. As expected. You fleshbags suck. Hate more, slaggit!

My Inbox Is Weeping

It seems that every time I open my mailbox, another couple of you twits have decided to bother me. I'm arbitrarily declaring Monday's mail day so I don't have to do this every time I sit down.

Bonecrusher,

I am a big fan of the European exclusive Turbomasters and Predators. Please tell me why I should hate them as much as the barely-functioning wireless network at the UTDallas student housing.

Thanks,
Chris

Because they are bad toys. Duh. And you should be thankful for the bad internet connection - it keeps you from reading all the other useless stuff dumped on the internet.

Hey there, Bonecrusher.

You know what really irritates me? The fact that there are so many
people on the road who just don't know how to drive. Of course, when
I say people, I mean humans. I don't wanna offend any of you
transformers. Every time you flip on the news, you hear about these
'horrific accidents' in which nobody survives, everyone gets sent to
the ER, or the one at fault was just plain drunk. They always wonder
why there are so many accidents, but it just seems like they will give
a drivers license to just about anybody nowadays. I can't tell you
how many 'accidents' I've almost been in because humans just don't
know how to drive. Have you or any other Decepticon that can drive
ever had to deal with these 'accidents' that were caused by human
drivers?

Rin

Rin, you have no idea. Every time I go past a wreck on the road, I feel a deep sense of regret that I was not there to make the crash claim about 20 more cars. I am a firm and deep believer in the driving philosophy you humans call 'Road Rage' - that is, if someone makes me mad enough, I have every right to send their car flying off an overpass.

The worst part is how indignant the human drivers get, like they don't realize I've spent the last couple thousand years fighting a war, or something. If anything gives me a right to rule the road, it's that. But the real problem happens when an Autobot gets in your way. Remember that scene in the idiot movie I was in where me and Prime got in a big brawl on the middle of a freeway? Well, Bay, that unoriginal cheapskate, got the idea from an actual incident involving Runabout and Tracks - except what really happened is that Tracks was driving too slow in the passing lane, and Runabout got reeaaaaallly mad about it, and insulted Tracks Paintjob (Ugly with Flames. Like Bay's Prime, come to think of it.), then Tracks responded with a comment about Runabout's oil filter, and one thing led to another, and well, you know. I'm doubt there were any survivors that day.

And you are absolutely right about the stupidity of human drivers, but I have a hideous feeling that it comes with the territory.

Bloggity Blog Blog Blog

It never ceases to amaze me how much you humans really think of yourselves. You think that you're funny (Hint: You are Not), attractive (See Previous Comment), Intelligent (Do I really have to keep doing this?) and other trivial things. And nowhere is this attitude of self-importance more readily available then the Blogs of the Internet.

Now, to give credit where it's due, the idea of a universal network occured to you fleshbags much earlier in your developmental stage then most other species (The Quintessons, for example, all hate each other too much to risk sharing ideas, and the Nebulons were in space before they figured out the simple idea of wiring computers together). That said, you certainly don't have the faintest idea WHAT to do with this network.

I'm not going to bother to name names, but if you click that 'next blog' up there, you'll get a random blog from the rest of this network. And it doesn't matter which one of the thousands it is, I guarantee it will show off the dredges of human society. Clicking randomly up there, I found a guy prattling about the weather, some persons pathetic artwork of sunsets (Apparently you can't bother to go outside and watch it yourself), and guy complaining about how much his job sucked. Of all the possible uses on the internet, THIS is the best you could come up with? How sad is that.

Fortunately, you have *my* blog to set things straight. You're welcome.

Email Email Email

Ah, how refreshing it is to check my email, and find that more of you fleshbags have taken it upon yourself to bother me. Two this time, no less.

Hello Bonecrusher! I just thought I'd let you know that I might have found someone who can possibly beat you. You see, on Earth we have this soldier called the Master Chief. He single-handedly destroyed an entire alien armada, a giant ring world, a malicious parasite bent on consuming the galaxy, and a psychotic and extremely intelligent alien AI. If he can do all that, what's to stop him from taking you out next?

Umm, what? What makes you think I'm unbeatable? Why do you think *I'm* not leading the Decepticons? Because Megatron beat the slag out of me, that's why. That said, you are kidding, right? This Master Chief is a human. I am approximately 30 feet taller then he is. I am a Cybertronian death machine. He's a guy with a gun. Suuuure he'll beat me. Right.

Moving on...

Hello Bonecrusher,
I suppose I could say I hate multiple things, but there's one that drives me over the edge of insanity.
People.
A person has the potential for semi-intelligence, however people are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals.
When they get emotional to any extreme, overly hyped, depressed, panicked, it irritates me. Their hyper voices make my skin crawl, weepy women make me ill, and panicky people are the only amusement.

People are the Bane of my existence. Care to Comment?
Aishe G. Is that name real enough for ya??

Now here's a human I can almost appreciate. You certainly have the attitude right, miss. That said, you are also missing the fact that they are small, squishy, and annoying at any age. However, I also have the distinct feeling you are more 'emo' and less 'hate filled'. Let your hate get you angry, not depressed. Release your rage and blah blah blah.

Good start though. There may be hope for some of skin sacks yet.