The Canidate For Hating You

Let's see what the email box has today...

Dear Bonecrusher,

I see you have found other ways to pass the time. How does Megatron and Starscream feel about your decision in attempting to run for president? You know if your elected (which you never will be) you will only be controlling one country, hardly a Decepticon move. Wouldn't you rather have control of the whole world? Oh well, whatever makes you happy. I guess you have to get what you think you can get.....which isn't much. By the way, I do believe I saw a pastel pink Bonecrusher toy the other day...just in time for Easter. How sweet.

-Jazz

Neither of them care. Their more concerned with destroying all humans rather than leading them. Me? I can do both.

As for controlling merely one country, it's a stepping stone.

And I don't believe you on that Easter thing. You're lying. And if your not, then I'm shifting one of my Campaign promises to 'Nuke Hasbro.' Which was kinda the plan anyway...

Hey Bonecrusher,

I was just looking over your blog's previous posts (again), and came across the recorded chat you had with Starscream regarding his "fangirl" problem (the way you owned him was priceless, and I commend you for that). After looking at this conversation, I thought to myself: "I wonder if Bonecrusher had any other chats like this one with his fellow Decepticons, and if he happened to record those too?"

I typically don't, so I only had that one on file. But if anybody happens to chat with me in the future, I'll be sure to record them for posterity.

From Frank Agogo
Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire
West Africa,

Greetings in the name of God.

My name is Frank Agogo from Sierra Leone. My father and I escaped from our country at the heat of the civil war ,As a result of the political instability in my country even after the war,My father established his cocoa and coffee export business in Abidjan,Ivory Coast.He was in Buake, a northern city to negotiate for the purchase of a cocoaplantation when he was shot and killed by the rebel troupes fighting to takeover the government of the country on the 22nd September, 2002. The death of my father has now made me an orphan and there by exposing me to danger.

Before the unfortunate death, My late father had in his personal account with a bank here the sum of $2.5m. As a result of the present in security of lives and property in this country,
I wish request that you assist me use your account in your country to transfer the balance of my father's account. Again to assist me with a letter of invitation that will make me get a visa to your country for residence inorder for me to continue our education and to invest the fund in a viable business venture.

I and the rest of my family have decieded to give you 10% of the total sum for your kind assistance,while 5% has been marked for any expenses like phone calls,the world is full of bad people please i am not saying you are bad person but consider that this is money and how the money was gotten,it is inheritace and last hope,If this is acceptable to you,Then reply me as soon as you get this message,so that we can discuss further on this matter.

Thanks and GOD bless us.
Frank Agogo.

Hey, with that kind of money, I can get enough to run an excellent Campaign. Hillary would have NOTHING on me! Wait... why is he contacting a former Decepticon warrior for this process rather then someone who cares? Something smells just a tad fishy...

Nah. What's the worst that could happen?

Issues

There are a lot of issues this campaign. Here are some easy soundbytes for the press to lord over as if they actually meant something.

-Iraq: As I have mentioned before, my policy toward Iraq, Iran, North Korea, China and anybody else stupid enough to annoy me is to make liberal use of nuclear weapons, and pretty much glass entire continents. With me, you will not have to worry about prolonged wars. I'll get the job done fast.

-Health Care: My policy towards Health Care is to disband it. All of it. If you get sick and you can't get better on your own, tough. Your species didn't get to where it was by being a bunch of sissies about having a cold. In the old days, you let them die. I fully embrace a return to that policy.

-Taxes: You have too much money as it is, and you waste on stupid things, like stimulating the economy. Pft. I'll put your money to a much better use - more nukes. It's a policy for a new age.

-Abortion, Gay Marriage, Religion in Schools, Religion in General, Ect. - Hey, even *I'm* not dumb enough to touch those topics.

-Environmental Protection - I recommend dumping vast amounts of nuclear wastes into the ocean. If we're lucky, something will mutate, crawl on land, and wipe the whole darn planet out.

-Rising Gas Prices - It may surprise you to find that I am for forcibly lowering them, by way of violence against gas companies. Why? Because it annoys me when I'm driving along and need to fuel up and have to pay about 4000 dollars to fuel my tank. It's why I mostly walk these days.

-Republicans and Democrats - All leaders of both parties will be rounded up and executed. I'm sure we can all agree that this measure isn't all that harsh.

If I didn't answer your issue, email me or leave a comment.

Personal Emails

Taking a day off the campaign trail to handle some old business, then back on the road. I plan to hit the 'key' states sometime this week, and I do mean 'hit' literally.

Bonecrusher,

I read the email that was in Portuguese and a thought just hit me. Have you ever considered trying to post something in the Cybertronian language on your blog? Chances are, there isn't a single human on Earth that knows that language so no one can understand what you're writing. You could send the idiot that sent that email something insulting and he wouldn't even have the translation websites to help!
I've found many ways to tick people off and one of them is speaking in a language they don't know is a classic! Try a yes or no question like "Do you think you are intelligent?" in Chinese or something and then in English tell them, "Respond: yes or no."

You don't have to though. It's just a thought to consider.
And I have one other question that's really eating at me...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LOOKING AT NAKED HUMANS?!?!? THAT'S SO PERVERTED!! YOU SICKO!!!

-Veronique

=_-==_-----_-____====-_----=_--_---_=_--=_------==___---------!

There, I just swore at you in Cybertronian. Are you happy now?
And who's looking at naked humans? I sure as heck ain't. Don't be inventing any scandals on me or I'll Teapot Dome your tailgate all the way to Watergate and Whitewater and Back.

O great and superbly cool Crusher of Bones,

I’m fairly certain you hate flattery.

I thought you would like (or at least not hate) knowing that you are my second-favorite-movie-character-other-than-the-leaders. That means that I always like Prime & Megs best, no matter what. Before you comes Barricade, who is right in thinking he is so “fabulous.” Though I’d prefer just plain AWESOME.

I like you cuz you hate everything. Which I think is funny. Soon I will purchase your toy and Barricade’s toy. You’re the only ones from the movie I don’t have yet.

Anyway, enough about me.

1) Will you be resurrected for the sequel?
2) Do you think “Jungle Bonecrusher” is a piece o’ no good scrap?
3) What is your… uh… least hatededed food?
4) Do you hate cats or dogs less?
5) Can you really roller-skate?
6) Did it hurt to catch fire or smash through the bus?
And finally, The Burning Question:
7) What in the name of PRIMUS did you really say?!?

I’m absolutely sure I heard “Move!” (to the bus) “Take that, Autobot!” (to Prime) & “I HATE YOU!” (to Prime and... well everything and everyone else)

Yours…uh… Hatefully,

Kremzeek!

I'm glad you're wasting money on bad representations of me in shoddy plastic quality. You keep doing that.
1) Apparently NOT. I hate that. Which is why, as President, the first thing I'll do is publically execute Michael Bay (and if that doesn't get me some support, nothing will.)
2) Do you need to ask?
3) Brussel Sprouts. At least they're honest about tasting awful.
4) Cats. They hate everyone just as much as I do, while dogs are disgusting bundles of love.
5) Better than you can, Sparky.
6) YES!
7) None of your business. Also the word 'Hate'.

hi bonecrusher!!! my name is brianna and i just want to tell you that i hate alot of things too. so your not alone. and that i like you. and tell sound wave and the other decepticons that i said hi. alright? i'm evil. you wanna know why? cause right now i'm on the computer and i'm not suposed to be, ( cause my grades suck in math). i hate math, not my greatest subject. grrrr. the people in that class bugg me!!! all they ever do is fight amungst one another and get detention. i hate that. don't you hate it when people do that right in the middle of something? gnnnrrrrrrrr. i wish you could come to my school and kill them all. except for my friends. i like my friends. starscream is such a coward. at the end of the Bay movie he's flying off back to cybertron. :P

ps: I <3 U!!!
pss: i'll vote for ya!!!!!

There are words in this email, but I do not understand them. The internet translators to not help me. I am confused.

Wait, is that supposed to be a 'I *heart* you' at the end there? Wow. I think we all know my response to this one.

And I'm not sure I *want* this vote.

Campaign Promises

I've got a pair of personal emails I'll respond too Wednesday. But for now, more on my bid for President. Remember, you can trust me to hate this job!

Q: If you do become president, who's going to be vice-president?
A: Whoever I can trust to stay out of the freaken way. I was thinking Brawl. Because he likes hurting things as much as I do, and similarity is a MUST in ever campaign. Plus he'll appeal to the 'green guy' vote.

Q:You need to campaign more. Make yourself known. Make appearances, get to know your fellow people...
A: I'll campaign when I'm slagging good and ready to. And I don't want to get to know you fleshbags, I know way too much about you already!

Q: A Decepticon for president of America, better than an Autobot.
A: Yes.

Q: Mr. Crusher, before deciding if I should support you or simply be crushed into paste, I must ask your opinion on the current NAFTA rules.

A: I hate the National Autobots Freedom from Tyranny Association. That movement lead to the downfall of Megatron's great empire, so I recommend that anyone who had been a part of it be shot.

Or are you talking about a different NAFTA?

Q: Bonecrusher, what are your positions on the issues?
-War on Terror
-Iraq
-Economy

-Bears (#1 threat to America)
-Environment
-Legal status of Mini-cons
-Diplomatic relations with other nations
-Diplomatic relations with other planets (Jungle Planet, Speed Planet, Giant Planet, Cybertron....)

A:
-War on Terror: I'm for War, and I'm for Terror, so I must be for it. I think.
-Iraq: Nuke it.
-Economy: Nuke it.
-Bears: Ever since the Academy Awards, I've hated bears more then most other things, so I will institute a law that says all bears should be shot on sight. Preferably painfully.
-Environment: Nuke it.
-Legal Status of Minicons: Now, I don't want to appear racist - in fact, some of my best friends are Minicons (snicker), but I hate them, and they should all end up under my heel.
-Diplomatic Relations with Other Countries: Nuke em.
-Diplomatic Relations with Other Planets: I submit that we should begin construction on the moon, turning it into what I would like to call a "death star", or perhaps, if that name is taken, "Unicron."

Q: And also - the U.S Constitution says that you must be born in the United States to be president. How do you handle that?
A: I can claim my vehicle mode was manufactured in the US. And if that doesn't work, well, then screw it.

GOT A QUESTION THAT WASN'T ANSWERED?
We are not surprised. Comment or Email, you twits.

Vote Hate, 08

After thinking long and hard about this, and talking with my new campaign manager (Blackout) I have reached an inescapable conclusion that has led to an inevitable decision, one that I know I'm going to regret.

Your planet is in desperate need of a real leader, and none of you humans are truly fit for the job. You are plagued by war, disease, famine and who-knows-what else. These are dark times for your planet. You wander through life guideless, trying desperately to please everyone around you, and for what? Petty personal advancement?

It's time your species changed.

Which is why I, Bonecrusher, have decided to run for President of the United States.

A vote for me is a vote for integrity. I do this not because I want the job (and you can rest assured about that fact - because I'd hate it), but because I feel a deep need to whip your species into shape. Your species need a uniter, and I will be that uniter (because those who oppose me won't live very long).

A vote for me is a vote for someone you can trust to be consistent (hate), to stand up for his principals (hate), and to always be completely honest. I will never lie. I will never suck up to any group; I will tell them exactly what I think of their stupid ideas.

A vote for me is a vote for strength and security. I guarantee that all wars on your planet will end shortly after I come to office, by my own fist, if I have too. Unlike other cowardly Presidents of the past, I will make sure this happens personally. I will have no tolerance for lawbreakers and rebels, and you can rest assured that anyone defying me will be pummeled into submission. I will also make sure no foreign (by which I mean extraterrestrial) threats will bother Earth, by conquering Quintessa, just in case they try anything.

A vote for me is a vote for change. Real change. You will not be able to recognize this planet once I'm through with it. Things will change, and clearly for the better.

A vote for me is a vote against evil lobbying groups. I will not accept their money - I have no need for such a thing. Instead, I will kill them. I vote for me is a vote for dead lobbyists. And who doesn't want more of those? Lawyers too. Instead of being influenced by lobbyists, all decisions will be made solely on the basis of which side I hate more. I can assure you I will see all negatives to all issues presented to me.

A vote for me is a vote for experience. I've been around far longer than any human has ever been, and I have seen far more. Be assured, you will not be letting someone with a mere 60 years of life under their belt into the office, but one who has lasted for thousands of years.

Why settle for the lesser of all evils? Vote for Bonecrusher this November, and bring about a change in the World.

If you are saying to yourself 'Bonecrusher, your ideas make sense to me. How can I help?', then you need more help than I thought. Please send all your money to me, and help raise the chances of getting someone you know will hate you into office. If you have no money, at least spread this around the internet, and get the word out! Hey, it worked for Howard Dean, didn't it?

Election Thingy's

Really, Democracy is a silly concept. Look down the street sometime. See that fat guy munching a candy bar? See that woman with the overapplied makeup. See the college kid running over children with his car? See all these people? Then ask yourself, do you [i]really[/i] want their opinion influencing the government?

I thought not.

So you humans have a big election coming this year. The nominee for one side is an old guy, and for the other side it's either the college student or the former president's wife. Diverse selection you have there. All of them are stupid.

Of course, you have to be careful talking about politics. Because if you say something negative about a politician, the secret service will descend on you like a ticked off Regulan Metal Monger. And I can tell you from experience that you do NOT want a ticked off Regulan Metal Monger coming at you. You actually don't want one coming at you period. But that's another blog.

Anyway, come November, you humans will come out of your hovels and vote for someone based on their compartive stance on topical issues, by which I mean 'whoever seems nicer'. This is really no basis for a system of government. After all, if a bunch of Warrior Zermarkians land on Earth and challenge your leader to a duel, who are you gonna send out? The old guy, the wife, or the college student? Yeah, they'll beat a Zemark Warrior Prince. I hope you guys like being slaves.

What you humans need is a REAL leader. I'll ask Megatron, but I don't think he'll be very keen.

Heck, *I* would make a better leader than your current choices.




Hrmm.....

Rustin Away

When we first landed on Earth, one of the most unfortunate shocks to us was liquid water. We'd encountered H2O in it's ice forms many times, but liquid was new - and more specifically, the long term reaction it caused with our platings. Yes, I mean rust.

A rust spot developed on me late Friday, and now the slagging thing Won't. Go. Away. It's made me even angrier than usual, but at the same time made it so that I don't want to do anything. Ever had something do that to you? Yeah? Well I slagging HATE IT.

So, I'll just sit here and mope for awhile, this rust rash on my side, rubbing it with rust repellent that doesn't work. It is obnoxious. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be Cosmic Rust. But with my luck, it will be.

Cosmic Rust is technically an organic being that feeds on Cybertronian metal. And it reproduces quickly, and spreads throughout Cybertronian colonies. We had a big plauge with it a couple thousand years ago. Not pleasant. Was kinda amusing to see Starscream moping about it though. It 'ruined his good looks'. And for that, I thanked Primus. Starscream looks about as good as a Regulan Metal Mongers behind.

I'm going to have to crawl over to Ratchet's to get some treatment for this. I hate doing that too. Wish we had a Decepticon doctor here on Earth. But we don't. Cause I think I might have killed him. Maybe shouldn't have done that. Ah well.