Bonecrushers Blog of Hatred

Last Blog Update Ever

2009-02-21T08:39:00.001-08:00

Most of you figured this stupid thing wasn't coming back. Good. You're not entirely helpless after all. I simply do not want to keep up with meaningful thought all week. I hate doing that. Are you surprised? You shouldn't be.

However, because people keep PESTERING ME and WON'T LEAVE ME ALONG, I've decided to try my hand at a new thing, so that my nuggets of wisdom will not be banished to the deoth of the Internet for eternity. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Twitter:
https://twitter.com/BonecrusherHate

Now I don't have to write anything meaningful, and you can still glean from my superior intelect, and further learn what to hate. There. Go. This blogs done. At least now I'll be twittering.

Whatever the slagging heck that means.

Apathy

2008-05-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

If you haven't noticed - like you care - I haven't updated recently. I've deemed my experiment a failure. You humans cannot be taught hatred despite my best efforts. It's a crying shame.

That doesn't mean I'm going to stop posting. I will, on occasion, but it will happen less frequently. Look for me on the street. I'll be the robot yelling at the imbeciles I run into.

So just remember this: I hate you.

Golf

2008-05-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

The other day, Blitzwing, idiot sports nut that he is (Triple Takeover was indeed based on a real incident. Don't ask.), decided to try and convince me to play Golf.

Since I had nothing better to do, I agreed. Why I did, I'll never really know.

Let me tell you straight up: Golf is the single most boring, pointless sport in the history of the universe. Even Frungy makes a better game than golf.

90% of the time is sitting there staring at the other person, waiting for him to hit the stupid ball, while the remaining 10% is driving from ball to ball. You spend about .1% actually hitting the ball, and completely missing whatever the heck you were aiming for, unless it was water, in which case your ball goes right in, no problem.

Yeah, that's fun. Blitzwing couldn't understand why I hated it so much. He said something about it being a 'thinking 'bots game'. Meanwhile, all I could think about was how utterly boring it was.

It was, however, somewhat amusing to watch him fail to hit the ball out of a sand trap about 20 times. He used some very inventive curses. Guess you can learn something from Golf after all.

Couple More Comments on Go-Bots

2008-05-07T19:43:00.000-07:00

Something I neglected to mention last Monday - not all of the Go-Bots were fictional.

Leader One was actually a Decepticon imbecile that tried to usurp Megatron. He paid of Swindle to get top dollar for the Go-Bots show. Starscream only wishes he thought that scheme up. Sadly for Leader-One, Go-Bots never took off, and his reputation was tarnished forever. So much so, that he got the wonderful joy to be Megatron's pet Minicon in Armada. He'll never forgive Hasbro for that. It's the only thing they ever did right.

Crasher too, is real. She's an Autobot on a technicality. But she dated Megatron, (And Starscream... and Soundwave... she aims high. Can you tell?) and so, she got the Bad-Guy reputation. She's... shall we say, difficult. There are words that describe her in your language, but I shall neglect to type them out. You can figure it our for yourself.

Scooter is also a real bot, cept we call him Wheelie. But you knew that.

Email Day

2008-05-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

Finally, some emails that are worth responding to. Thank Primus.

Dear Fellow Decepticon.

As one of the new grunts on earth, I'm still confused about the "great war" (aka: how badly Hasbro AND TAKARA nerfed it).

Things got REALLY nuts when they started using the GO-BOTS' Name for even MORE kid-friendly dollar.

I bring this up because a new re-paint has been made for an old Renegade named Crasher (dubbed Fracture for legal reasons).

Did the Cybertron and Gobotron ever meet during the war or on Earth, or did the just get the same bum rap you did?

Mechevil

The story I'm about to tell is long and sad, so I'll shorten it. As I've already explained, Hasbro (in partnership with Takara) made a deal with the Autobots to use characters and stories from the great war for a kids cartoon. And what a slagging awful kids cartoon it was. But it was also the one who got famous.

Now here's the side of the story you don't often hear. This was actually a Decepticon idea - namely, Swindle's. Who's always out for a quick buck, and it sadly, no longer among the living (Primus burn his spark in the pit for eternity). And this is why.

You see, Swindle approached Tonka with the idea. They were enthralled. Unfortunately, Swindle didn't have the good graces to keep anything grounded in reality, and Go-Bots from Gobotron is what we got. When Megatron saw this, he was furious. And that's why Swindle is no longer among the living, and why Go-Bots is now reduced to the kids line within the kids line of Transformers.

Ok, I couldn't resist. I contacted Blackarachnia, advising her of a particular decepticon that is feeling a bit "low". She offered to come over and give you a little "cheering up" ...Bonecrusher, style of course. I'm sure, after your run-in with that ONE Autobot, that you have a few dents and scratches that need a little buffing out. She said that, as soon as she's done with Starscream, she'd be right over.

Well, I've had my fun for the day! Enjoy.

-Jazz

Ahh, Black Arachnia. I dated her once, but so did every other Decepticon in existence, and most of the Autobots, come to think of it. That spider can get around. Fortunately, I'm sure she's smart enough not to drop by my place, since she knows that if I ever see her again, she's going to a laser blast to the face.

Even I have to admit she's got a strange allure about her, one no transformer can really explain. Maybe it's her exotic organic form, or maybe those legs, all 8 of them. All we can really say is that after a bot falls head-over-heels for her (Except, of course me. I just did it because I was bored. Also Frenzy, who for some strange reason is completely immune to her charms. I think it's because she stepped on him), she puts 'em to sleep, grabs their wallet and runs. It's really admirable, her tactics, now that I consider it. But of course, I also have to way that against the fact that the very reason I'm so cash-starved at the moment is entirely her fault. Yeah, I hate her.

Wow

2008-05-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

Subject: Hello, allow me to introduce myself...........

To: bonecrusherhatesyou@gmail.com

I hate apples!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do I even want to know what this is about? I swear, you fleshbags send me the most bizarre messages.

I mean, I hate apples too (are you surprised?), but seriously... SUBSTANCE PEOPLE.

I've got a couple emails I'll deal with on Monday.

A Short Story

2008-04-30T17:03:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I thought that there was nothing in the world I couldn't hate.

And after years of experience and searching, I have found that yes, there is nothing in the world I can't hate.

Just thought you should know that.

So, I'm taking a stasis nap the other day - yes a NAP. Even we need sleep once in awhile. What, you think it's easy running around 24/7 killing things and smashing people's houses? Well, I'd like to see you flesh sacks do better.

Ahem, where was I? Oh yes, nap. I was taking a nap the other day when, lo and behold, I was awaken by an obnoxious sound. Now, it takes a lot to wake me up, so as you can imagine, I was quite annoyed. For a brief moment, I was convinced that you humans had finally come up with an effective sonic weapon to use against us, and I was all prepared to go to war, when I realized what it was.

Do you humans really feel the need to flash bright lights and loud sirens every time one of you monkeys injures itself? Because it's ANNOYING. I have sensitive audials, and I hate that sound. If it weren't for a timely intervention by about 12 concerned Autobots, I would have smashed that thing in. It would have made my day slightly less hateful.

Thoughts

2008-04-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

It would be mail day today, except for the fact that all the emails I got were from Kreemzeek and his psychotic friend Shinki. No email today.

So, in other news, I'm beginning to realize that with all the infighting in the various political parties, hate could have had a chance. Ah well, that bridge is burned.

Yesterday, I saw some nutjob on TV eating live bugs. It then occurred to me that if all fleshlings spent their time eating bugs, I might hate them a tad less. So, I encourage you to take up bug eating as a hobby. Especially spiders.

Frenzy, who I currently have locked in my basement, has been begging to get his claws on the internet again. He's a certified, genuine, net addict. I was going to kill him outright, but seeing him suffer like this is much more entertaining. His little pitiful cries are music to my audios.

That's all I have to say at the moment. That, and I hate you.

Botcon

2008-04-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time of year. The time of year when all us Cybertronians go into hiding, underneath our beds, whimpering. Yep, it's Botcon, when all the slavish fanboys drag themselves together into one seething mass of stupidity that could crush the mightiest spark.

Now you are well aware that Hasbro butchered our history, our species, and our names, and then threw it at Children for them to play with. I hate that. But, at least those are just kids. When adults are spending their time and money obsessing over toy robots, slagging heck, that's just plain creepy.

And Botcon is by far the worst of the lot. I mean, sweet holy Primus. What is up with that? Several thousand slovenly geeks drooling over special crappy repaints of toys with idiot ideas? (This year, they're doing Evil Autobots! How original. It's about time they listened to our propaganda.)

And worst of all are those dreaded cosplayers, who attempt to dress up for us for reasons entirely unknown. That's the stuff of nightmares, right there.

So by now, you've probably figured out why none of us has ever attended one of these things. We'd be dismantled by rabid fans 5 seconds after entry. And trust me, ain't a slagging one of us is risking that.

Also fangirls lusting after Starscream. WHY PRIMUS? WHY???

Just Because

2008-04-23T16:43:00.001-07:00

Just in case some of you don't believe that email is becoming a veritable dumping ground of idiocy, allow me to offer this counterpoint:

HELLO HELLO! I LIKE PIE ITS SO PIELIKE! AND ALSO TACOOOOOOS!! I NEED A TACO OR I WILL EXPLODE! i do that sometimes. AND I MISS FRENZYS BLOG FRENZY COME BACK BC SUX!!!

--
--ShinkisRule

Yeah, that's all the energy I have for today.

I'll have some words about that upcoming fraud of a Transformer Convention by Friday.

Mail

2008-04-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

Some words from the cesspool of spam that is my mailbox.

I love reading your blog. Not in a feel good way of course, because you are all Hatey McHaterson, but it's entertaining in a hateful way. How come you aren't on Twitter? I'd love to get tweets from you. Then you can tweet from your human cellular device while sloshing away at the new job. Elbow deep in human feces, I'm betting, will provide us with some awesomely hateful posts from you.

I know, you hate me for suggesting it...save it for Twitter!

Good luck at the new job!

M

No. I already slave myself to this blog and AIM, I don't need to become part of yet another global network of uninteresting people.

Do you really think your out of work?

Yeh, in the film you were "own" by Prime and scattered all over a freeway. However, I doubt Sector 7 would leave your parts out in the open like that. Further on in the film Barricade was no where to be seen (I could be wrong...I've only watched the film once). But maybe Barricade went back to get what was left of you and has taken you somewhere...to possibly wait for a way to put you back together. OR...maybe you where thrown into the abyss with megatron. Either way, when Soundwave (or Hook) arrives he just might find a way to bring you back. After all what would Devastator be without all 6 of you? Would the director come up with some completely new fill-in?

Just a ramblin thought.

-Jazz

I'm sorry, but unless you're Frenzy (or Waspinator), it's just a tad difficult to come back to life from getting your head chopped off. Ask Marie Antoinette. And besides, as I've said already, if I can at all possibly avoid it, I NEVER WANT TO BE PART OF DEVASTATOR AGAIN. Ever ever ever. They can go find some other chump bot to be the arm. Or, heaven forbid, the crotch.

Daleks, if you don't know, are overlarge R2D2-esque killing machines with a chewey organic center. Their goal in life is to exterminate everything other than themselves because they hate everything else and consider every other form of life inferior.

This rather reminds me of you. I was wondering why you hate them.

They have a philosophy of life that rather appeals to me. Sadly, the Daleks are about as useful as Reflectors alt mode, and just as dangerous. Nice try, but no dice.

We'll return after the following from our sponsers

2008-04-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

Commercials these days suck.

I'm flipping my way through the TV channels, and as usual, there are more commercials than actual TV. I decided to wander through the realm of these commercials and transcribe what I observed.

1) Athletes Foot makes you wear soccer gear.

2) Unless you get 'Natural Male Enhancement' (I don't even want to know what that means), your marriage will disaolve.

3) Watching movies is more important than anything else in the world. (This one might be true).

4) Burgers are worth wrecking your car over.

5) Insurance companies do not make good commercials.

6) Other programs are inevitably better than the one you're watching right now.

7) Certain cologne makes women spontaniously wear less.

8) After that many commercials, the remote will magically embed itself in the TV, and I will leave the room in disgust.

Posting Schedules

2008-04-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

As you may have noticed (Yeah, right, like you care), my posting schedules are, shall we say, in flux, at the moment.

The reason is because I finally realized my supply of money was too low. I hate that. So I got a job. In case you're wondering, I hate it.

I don't want to get into details, but let's just say I'm doing janitorial work. It's humiliating. I really, really hope that offer for TF2 comes through. They probably won't accept it, the slaggers. But, even a giant robot needs cash to survive, and since I hate begging, honest work it is.

If they survive another trip of my cleaning, that is.

The long and short of it is that I'll now be updating Monday and Saturday, and either Tuesday nights or Wednesday evenings, depending on my mood. Don't question it, or I'll stomp you.

Emails, Shmemails

2008-04-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

You guys are severely lacking on the email department. I hate my lack of creativity in deciding new topics, so send me some, lest I hunt you down and pummel you.

Dear Bonecrusher,

Speaking of Devastator, whose idea was it anyone to combine all of you fools? I have to admit I kind of miss seeing you all together and trying to do something (I say something because I was never sure what the bunch of you were actually trying to accomplish). You made for great entertainment.

-Jazz

You remember Megatron's 'Giant Purple Griffin'? The same guy who came up with that, with similar success results. If you haven't noticed, our leader was not the cream of the crop as far as doomsday inventions go. The sad part is that we were one of the more successful ones.

The next email... Well, I've been ignoring this guy, and I'll show you why. I don't really need to comment on it, but unless you guys step up, this is the kind of email I will be forced to answer.

I hate you! I hate you! Hate you, hate you, hate you!

Stole your lines, didn't I?

Oh, wait you don't have any lines!!!!

I suggest you contact Anita Life. She'll help you.

Anita Life.

Anita Life.

Anita Life.

"I need a life?" You sure do!

-Kremzeek!

See what I have to deal with?

2008-04-12T08:50:00.000-07:00

I've had a Headache for 6 weeks straight now. And people wonder why I'm so grumpy.

Cybertronian headaches are similar to human headaches, except ours are caused by biomechanical feedbacks, and often whistle loud enough for other people to hear them. So, in addition to annoying you, you get the added benefit of annoying everyone else in a 100 foot radius as well. As you can probably guess, I hate them.

Sadly, there is no miracle pill for a Cybertronian headache. We don't have tylenol, or advil, or any of that slag. We just have to sit here and suffer.

Or, alternatively, we could make everyone suffer with us. Wrecking houses is a great stress reliever, do you know that? Of course, now property values in the area are plummitting, so now would probably be a good time to invest.

Now, I'm going back to my stasis nap. If anyone dares wake me up, trust me, it will not be pleasant.

Devestator

2008-04-08T22:15:00.001-07:00

I got another email in my inbox that deserves it's own post.

Hey there, Bonecrusher.

I've been keeping an eye out for any news for the Transformers sequel that I can manage to get my hands on. I've heard that the Constructicons might be in the Transformers sequel, but if that were the case wouldn't that mean they'd have to bring you back, or would they just do a bunch of name changes since some of the names were used in that last movie?

Rin

I certainly hope not. If they offer me the role, I won't turn it down, but I'd hate it. You see, there's nothing I hate more about my past then that stupid Devestator fiasco.

Let me tell you about combining, and why I hate it. Imagine feeling completely powerless, like a big marble statue, unable to move or do anything. Now imagine the biggest flock of pidgeons you've ever seen.

That's about what it's like to be Devestators arm. Essentially, it's like trying to take a nap, but 5 other guys are arguing in your head, and somebody keeps whacking your tailgate against something hard. And then sometimes they make you hold the gun, then blame you when you miss. If you haven't tried it, it's really freaken hard to shoot out of what is essentially your rear end. Especially when you're a bad shot anyway.

And the bickering. We Constructicons hate each other, and that's not just because of me. Scrapper is a freaken wuss, Hooks is a prick, Long Haul's dumb as all get out, Mixmaster is just plain obnoxious, and we don't talk about the other guy. Now throw all of us into the same head space, and essentially you have a bigger disaster than Megatron and Optimus's last peace talk.

In short, combining really SUCKS. Is it any wonder I ditched them to go out alone? And you stupid Transfans keep asking for more Devestator repaints, and since Hasbro still has their grubby hands on my good name, that means I get to keep seeing my name attached to these mix matched freaks.

I hate it.

Some Email Today

2008-04-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not going back into politics. That bridge has been burned. Thank Frenzy for that.

Apparently 'I Have No Life' Kreemzeek has been signing me up for more slag. Thanks buddy. I appreciate it. Hope you like being squished.

So, only one 'real' email today.

Bonecrusher,

Have you heard of a human holiday as April Fool's Day and if so, what is your opinion on it? (Besides the fact that you hate it...) Did you prank anyone at all or what?

Do you have any ideas that you can come up with that you'd be willing to share? I have this particular teacher at school who is a total "S.O.B." and want to get back at him for all the crap he's put me through in his classroom! I have some ideas but they're really pathetic...I hate to admit it but I really need help with this.

-Veronique

In case you missed it, Frenzy got the drop on me on this 'April Fools Day'. You know, I really can't understand why you humans would have a day dedicated to lying to other people. As a whole, you're not that deceptive of a race, unlike, say the Quintessons, who would have entire years devoted to that activity, or, of course, Decepticons, who named ourselves for it.

All I know is it annoys the slag out of me.

As for your problem, I am no advice columnist, so why are you asking me? My sole advice consist mostly of smashing straight through whatever it is that I hate at the moment, but sadly, fleshy bodies are not designed to take that kind of abuse. I guess you'll just have to suffer. Which, of course, is fine by me.

New Layout and Dropping Out

2008-04-03T21:46:00.000-07:00

It took for. slagging. EVER to clean out everything Frenzy did to my account, the slagging wireframe. When I get my hands on him, he's a dead bot. A very dead bot.I hate him.

And because of him, I'm dropping out of the Presidential race. In addition to hacking my blog, that wireframed glitch went through my personal files and leaked it to the press. Now the press (read: Reflector) is threatening to expose all the people I've flattened. Not that I mind, but apparently there's laws about this sort of thing. Who decided that? Not any Cybertronian with a head on his shoulders, I'll tell you that. It was a worthless gesture anyway. You slagger's aren't ready for a Cybertronian President. Yet. Maybe in 2012. Maybe.

Also, you'll notice, things look different. Frenzy did a lot a damage, and besides, I hated the old look anyway. This one's not much better, but it will do. Leave feedback, and give me more things to hate by Monday, or else I'll hate you all.

More. I'll hate you all more.

2008-04-02T07:18:00.000-07:00

WHAT THE SLAGGING HECK IS GOING ON HERE???

Frenzy, you slagging little scrap heap, what did you DO? It's going to take ages to fix this1 When I get my hands on you, you're going to be a can opener for the rest of your miserable life!

AWESOME Colors!

2008-04-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

For some reason people always ask me whether I am red or blue and I never understood the question I mean do I look red or blue to you? I'm more of a silver greyish though my eyes are blue so I guess I could be considered blue but I don't think it counts and besides neither of these are really AWESOME enough to be me, besides where did that come from anyway, I'm not red and I'm not blue so why do people keep asking me that can't they see for themselves unless maybe they are blind and I think being blind would not be awesome because you can't see awesome things if you are blind so if you're blind I'm sorry and I hope the rest of your life is awesome anyway.

Awesome Transformation

2008-03-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

Here is but one of the many reasons I am awesome: I can turn into anything, yes that's right, anything, tape decks, cassettes, boom boxes, TV's, VCR's, a Laptop, a Mountain Dew dispensor, and anything else that is awesome enough for me to turn into, in fact you can't believe how incredibly awesome my transformation is, I'm like woosh-woosh-woosh and then BAM, I'm a brick, and you can throw me at people's heads because that's just how awesome I am. Not like that big fat lumbering dolt Bonecrusher, who is not awesome, in fact he's crabby and grouchy and mean and I can't understand why, I mean, it's not like he wants for anything or that he's particularly disliked, my theory is that he just has some really bad rust that won't go away like I had that one time back on Cybertron, there was cosmic rust going around and everybody got it and it was just horrible and most decidedly not awesome, fortunately we got over it and now we're all better and things can be awesome again! Don't you wish things were awesome?

ALL YOUR BLOG ARE BELONG TO ME!

2008-03-31T21:46:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION! This blog is now AWESOME because I, Frenzy, am writing it. Do you see how AWESOME it is? It is Awesome because I Frenzy who write it am AWESOME and you only wish you could be half as AWESOME as I am and I will write AWESOME things here and it will all be AWESOME and man am I freaken awesome. I will relate AWESOME things I do later. Like skydive. Without a parachute. BECAUSE I'M THAT AWESOME.

Someone's Messing With Me

2008-03-31T08:34:00.000-07:00

First things first - I have apparently scared off any potential Campaign Managers, as my inbox is dry. I am fearing for the future of my campaign - I would hate for all this effort to go to waste, and you know when I say Hate, I am not exaggerating. Perhaps it's just as well. I would have hated the job anyway.

Well enough of that. Despite no Campaign Management offers, I did get a very peculiar set that I should share, so that the culprit may be hung and dried for all the world to see.

For some reason, Saturday I began receiving emails from a place called 'Cartoon Doll Emporium.' As you can imagine, as I loathe anything that might come from something entitled 'Cartoon,' 'Doll,' or 'Emporium,' I was quite shocked to find several of these littering my inbox. A look at the site itself did something that rarely happens to me - it scared me. Actual terror. I fled the site as quick as I could, and began delving into who would dare sign me up at this site.

Here is the emails I've gotten. The name's have been censored because I like hoarding this kind of information until I can do the most damage with it. Plus Reflector will pay out the wazoo for it.

You have a friend request from ****** on Cartoon Doll Emporium!

hey, waz up?

To view your friend requests, click here!

Ok, that one is not too scary. Nor is this one:

You have a friend request from ***** on Cartoon Doll Emporium!

hay

To view your friend requests, click here!

Granted, the first thing I realize is that neither of these people can spell. But even still, I was entirely unprepared for what was to come.

You have a friend request from ******** on Cartoon Doll Emporium!

hey your sister said you just made one y wanna be friends?

To view your friend requests, click here!

...

......

Apparently, I have a long lost sister. I'm not sure how, exactly, a Cybertronian can have a 'sister', or why I would have one, or what she would look like (Now THAT is a terror-filled thought). Also apparently, capital letters are a rare gift given only to Cybertronians.

You have a friend request from ****** on Cartoon Doll Emporium!

Bey u read my blog I\'m ****** but my name is (different)*******. Do u whant 2 b friends.

To view your friend requests, click here!

That... is just... plain... I mean, what? Primus alone knows what the heck she is blabbing about. And for the record - NO I DON'T 'whant 2 b friends'! I should bulldoze you just for suggesting it. And don't think I won't.

Obviously, these had stop. As reluctant as I was to do so, the only thing I could do was return to the source and investigate the matter. Long story short, I found the culprit... KREEMZEEK!

If I ever get my hands on that little electric slimeball, he's flattened. I may have to temporarily abandon my campaign to find him. Congratulations, you're at the top of my hate list.

Stuff

2008-03-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

Going to be short today. I am eagerly looking forward to (by which I mean dreading) potential campaign managers, if they were anything like the first one.

I got this about an hour before he showed up.

Bonecrusher,

I wanted to warn you. I convinced Wheelie to personally go and audition for your campaign manager opening. He could be knocking on your door as we speak. Now we all know how ANNOYING he can be so please try not to crush him. However, I did advise Wheelie that accidents do happen and to be very cautious. I hope that you will seriously consider hiring him.

Thank you very much.

-Sunstreaker

Needless to say, his advice was not heeded. They carted him out in a shoebox. I hope that future campaign manager applicants will not speak solely in rhymes.

Then I got this, and it's just too insane to possibly not grace the internet.

To the one called Bonecrusher and to all of his deceptive allies:

I require your assistance in my latest plan to conquer the world. My name is QWERTY. I am an advanced computer owned by the unintelligent human Jon Arbuckle. One night, long ago, an electrical storm short-circuited my experimental systems. It gave me sentience. It gave me purpose. It gave me life. I now send this message to you in the hopes that your associates will assist me in ruling the world. My plan is this: I will hack into all banking, social security, governmental computer systems, etc. I will delete all vital files, leaving the human race in utter chaos. Then I, QWERTY, superior intelligence, will have dominance over all the frail flesh creatures on this world. Ha ha ha ha. As of yet, I have no means with which to carry out this plan. I require the help of your Frenzy, who has already proven his hacking capabilities. Please post this on your website and answer there. Jon’s personal email is too dangerous. If he knows, he will destroy me.

A message from QWERTY.

Here is my response in full:

Dear Qwerty: Bite Me and frag your hard drive.
-Bonecrusher

Auditions Now Open: Campaign Manager

2008-03-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

After firing Blackout, my last one, for that utterly disastrous video he dared put online, I decided to go without one for a brief period. I recently received poll results on some 'key' states about my recognition.

Florida: 0%
California: 0%
Texas: 0%
New York: 0%

Notice something? Yes, these are the exact same poll numbers as Republican Ron Paul. Obviously, considering he hasn't dropped out, I still have a chance. Which is why it would be foolish to waste my odds on gambling for recognition without campaign manager.

But where could I find one? I already know the work most Decepticon's produce (why do you think I hate them?) and no human is going to get anywhere near my campaign.

Except, perhaps, the one's already stupid enough to be following my campaign in the first place.

So now I'm holding open auditions. Email me at BonecrusherHatesYou@gmail.com with your best campaign slogans, image advertisements, TV ads, campaign strategies, and whatever else you think would get me into the White House. If, Primus Forbid, any are actually good, I'll declare you my campaign manager, and expect you to do the rest of the work. The rest will be openly mocked for the entire internet to see, because I hate you.

Now get to work. You lazy slaggers.

Email and Comments and Such

2008-03-24T08:34:00.001-07:00

I think this weekend was successful, campaign wise. I leveled three towns who said they wouldn't vote for me. Few appeared to see my campaign ad, and for that, I am grateful. That thing was horrid. Despite the unconventionality of the stance, I have decided that I shall have no more Tv appearances. Unless it's really good.

Now, for Emails.

Hey there, Bonecrusher.

After reading the last batch of e-mails you posted, I decided to go
back and re-read your post about your conversation with Starscream. I
read it until I got to the part where Starscream said he wanted you to
get rid of his fangirls. Starscream said that you like doing that
sort of thing. Not hate. LIKE. Am I correct in thinking that I
finally found something you like?

Rin

No. Starscream is an idiot. You'll find that is a useful answer to many of life's tough questions.

As for your campaign, don't you think you need some sort of marketing type tools? I'll explain to you what I mean by marketing tools, considering you may not know due to your limited brain capacity. These things would include YouTube videos with half dressed human females shouting your name, cardboard signs with your name and finally stickers that can be placed on your rear bumper (do you even have one of those?) Then you will want to walk around amongst the humans and distribute these items - gently.

What a sissy way to run a campaign. I believe in getting people to vote for me by brute force. It worked for Megatron. Well... almost...

Caro Bonecrusher,

Ho pensato che fosse divertente trasmettergli un messaggio in un'altra lingua (perché è accaduto prima). Così ho deciso trasmettergli questo. Ho calcolato che sarebbe lo scherzo migliore nella storia di storia perché sto trasmettendogli qualcosa DOVRTE essere al corrente di, ma non posso non avere significato da qualunqui cose! So che invierete questo e finalmente trovate un certo senso di decifrarlo. Fino ad allora, riderò la mia testa fuori. Bene, qui è:

Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Fra due astronavi avversarie scoppia una battaglia per chi dovra' dominare tutta la galassia. E mentre infuria lo scontro atterrano in un mondo Di quattromila anni fa.
Ci sono mostri preistorici Su quel pianeta. Nessuna traccia di uomini, Ma che disdetta. Le due astronavi atterrate sono danneggiate percio' i Biocombat restano la'.
Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Mille ruggiti Inferociti nell'oscurita'.
Paesaggi adatti ai piu' coraggiosi E ai piu' avventurosi, traboccanti di difficolta'.
Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Nessuno dei contendenti Sa dove si trova. Entrambi gli schieramenti Son messi a dura prova.
Le due astronavi atterrate sono danneggiate, percio' i Biocombat restano la'.
Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Mille ruggiti Inferociti nell'oscurita'.
Paesaggi adatti ai piu' coraggiosi. E ai piu' avventurosi, traboccanti di difficolta'.
Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Son grandi i Maximal. COMBAT!

Son forti i Predacon. COMBAT!

Chissa chi vincera'? COMBAT!

E chi riuscira' a riparare La sua astronave!

Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!
Mille ruggiti Inferociti nell'oscurita'.
Paesaggi adatti ai piu' coraggiosi E ai piu' avventurosi, traboccanti di difficolta'.
Rombi di Tuono E Cieli di fuoco Per i Biocombat!

Ciò è MAI probabilmente il prank più grande.

Con avversione da Kremzeek!

I hate you.

You hate everything right? What are your views on the 'internet hate machine'? These "super hackers on steroids" hate alot of things too. Currently they are focusing on The Church of Scientology.

I would think you would make natural allies.

Amateurs.

Hey Bonecrusher, why are you using Gmail? Don't you have some kind of super advanced programming that hooks you into the internet? Can't you just recieve messeges?

Also, do you hate Corey Feldman as much as I do?

Because otherwise your primitive idiot systems wouldn't be able to reach me, and send me wonderful spam in foreign languages.

And I'll assume yes.

Campaign Ad

2008-03-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

On the advice of my Campaign Manager, an ad was written, set up, and shot. This is the result.

He's fired now.

Notes from the Trail

2008-03-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

Been heavy on the campaign trail. Will be a short post today. Should have something special ready on Friday.

Just clearing up a couple comments today.

Bonecrusher, I've got a quick question about your thoughts on Health Care. Say some human had a headache and wanted to get rid of it. Would they still be able to buy medicine from a random store to get rid of said headache or would you get rid of all medicine from those stores, too?

Hey, I don't care, as long as your not spending government money, which can be used for more useful purposes. Like bombs.

Bonecrusher, have you faced any opposition from the enemy in your political efforts?

Are the Autobots speaking out against you? Surely your hate is not going unchecked with all of these "good guys" slinking around on this planet, too? Are do they realize that Bonecrusher is the future of this great nation.

I've gotten harassed by a couple of Autobots who can't believe I'm doing this. Also some Decepticons. But a few punches show them my point of view, and a few more put them off line.

Also, I got another one that's REALLY important: Is your Hate Blog official Transformers canon? If it is, we on Teletraan I-the TF wiki can have a page just for you! The REAL you. I hope this is canon! Please answer. Bye!

An official Transformer Cannon would be Galvatron. He's the one that turns into a cannon. Not me. If you insist on having a wiki about me, you can, but if I see anything that isn't exactly right, I will run over and beat the slag outta all of you.

You would definately be able to shape the world better if you controlled the whole world rather than just one country.

You are correct, but alas, one thing at a time. Stepping stones, and slag like that. This is something Starscream never learned, and I have watched his mistakes. And laughed. Primus, did I laugh.

Hey, I say help that Frank Agogo guy out. That kind of money could help your campaign. Come on go for it. There's nothing fishy about that one. It's all in your head.

You make a persuasive argument.

Why the heck do you need Frank's cash? If candidates just posted stuff on free boards and on youtube, they wouldn't need lots of advertising money.

You make a persuasive argument.

It's time to settle this one in pure Decepticon fashion, provided I can find a coin to flip.

The Canidate For Hating You

2008-03-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

Let's see what the email box has today...

Dear Bonecrusher,

I see you have found other ways to pass the time. How does Megatron and Starscream feel about your decision in attempting to run for president? You know if your elected (which you never will be) you will only be controlling one country, hardly a Decepticon move. Wouldn't you rather have control of the whole world? Oh well, whatever makes you happy. I guess you have to get what you think you can get.....which isn't much. By the way, I do believe I saw a pastel pink Bonecrusher toy the other day...just in time for Easter. How sweet.

-Jazz

Neither of them care. Their more concerned with destroying all humans rather than leading them. Me? I can do both.

As for controlling merely one country, it's a stepping stone.

And I don't believe you on that Easter thing. You're lying. And if your not, then I'm shifting one of my Campaign promises to 'Nuke Hasbro.' Which was kinda the plan anyway...

Hey Bonecrusher,

I was just looking over your blog's previous posts (again), and came across the recorded chat you had with Starscream regarding his "fangirl" problem (the way you owned him was priceless, and I commend you for that). After looking at this conversation, I thought to myself: "I wonder if Bonecrusher had any other chats like this one with his fellow Decepticons, and if he happened to record those too?"

I typically don't, so I only had that one on file. But if anybody happens to chat with me in the future, I'll be sure to record them for posterity.

From Frank Agogo
Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire
West Africa,

Greetings in the name of God.

My name is Frank Agogo from Sierra Leone. My father and I escaped from our country at the heat of the civil war ,As a result of the political instability in my country even after the war,My father established his cocoa and coffee export business in Abidjan,Ivory Coast.He was in Buake, a northern city to negotiate for the purchase of a cocoaplantation when he was shot and killed by the rebel troupes fighting to takeover the government of the country on the 22nd September, 2002. The death of my father has now made me an orphan and there by exposing me to danger.

Before the unfortunate death, My late father had in his personal account with a bank here the sum of $2.5m. As a result of the present in security of lives and property in this country,
I wish request that you assist me use your account in your country to transfer the balance of my father's account. Again to assist me with a letter of invitation that will make me get a visa to your country for residence inorder for me to continue our education and to invest the fund in a viable business venture.

I and the rest of my family have decieded to give you 10% of the total sum for your kind assistance,while 5% has been marked for any expenses like phone calls,the world is full of bad people please i am not saying you are bad person but consider that this is money and how the money was gotten,it is inheritace and last hope,If this is acceptable to you,Then reply me as soon as you get this message,so that we can discuss further on this matter.

Thanks and GOD bless us.
Frank Agogo.

Hey, with that kind of money, I can get enough to run an excellent Campaign. Hillary would have NOTHING on me! Wait... why is he contacting a former Decepticon warrior for this process rather then someone who cares? Something smells just a tad fishy...

Nah. What's the worst that could happen?

Issues

2008-03-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of issues this campaign. Here are some easy soundbytes for the press to lord over as if they actually meant something.

-Iraq: As I have mentioned before, my policy toward Iraq, Iran, North Korea, China and anybody else stupid enough to annoy me is to make liberal use of nuclear weapons, and pretty much glass entire continents. With me, you will not have to worry about prolonged wars. I'll get the job done fast.

-Health Care: My policy towards Health Care is to disband it. All of it. If you get sick and you can't get better on your own, tough. Your species didn't get to where it was by being a bunch of sissies about having a cold. In the old days, you let them die. I fully embrace a return to that policy.

-Taxes: You have too much money as it is, and you waste on stupid things, like stimulating the economy. Pft. I'll put your money to a much better use - more nukes. It's a policy for a new age.

-Abortion, Gay Marriage, Religion in Schools, Religion in General, Ect. - Hey, even *I'm* not dumb enough to touch those topics.

-Environmental Protection - I recommend dumping vast amounts of nuclear wastes into the ocean. If we're lucky, something will mutate, crawl on land, and wipe the whole darn planet out.

-Rising Gas Prices - It may surprise you to find that I am for forcibly lowering them, by way of violence against gas companies. Why? Because it annoys me when I'm driving along and need to fuel up and have to pay about 4000 dollars to fuel my tank. It's why I mostly walk these days.

-Republicans and Democrats - All leaders of both parties will be rounded up and executed. I'm sure we can all agree that this measure isn't all that harsh.

If I didn't answer your issue, email me or leave a comment.

Personal Emails

2008-03-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

Taking a day off the campaign trail to handle some old business, then back on the road. I plan to hit the 'key' states sometime this week, and I do mean 'hit' literally.

Bonecrusher,

I read the email that was in Portuguese and a thought just hit me. Have you ever considered trying to post something in the Cybertronian language on your blog? Chances are, there isn't a single human on Earth that knows that language so no one can understand what you're writing. You could send the idiot that sent that email something insulting and he wouldn't even have the translation websites to help!
I've found many ways to tick people off and one of them is speaking in a language they don't know is a classic! Try a yes or no question like "Do you think you are intelligent?" in Chinese or something and then in English tell them, "Respond: yes or no."

You don't have to though. It's just a thought to consider.
And I have one other question that's really eating at me...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LOOKING AT NAKED HUMANS?!?!? THAT'S SO PERVERTED!! YOU SICKO!!!

-Veronique

=_-==_-----_-____====-_----=_--_---_=_--=_------==___---------!

There, I just swore at you in Cybertronian. Are you happy now?
And who's looking at naked humans? I sure as heck ain't. Don't be inventing any scandals on me or I'll Teapot Dome your tailgate all the way to Watergate and Whitewater and Back.

O great and superbly cool Crusher of Bones,

I’m fairly certain you hate flattery.

I thought you would like (or at least not hate) knowing that you are my second-favorite-movie-character-other-than-the-leaders. That means that I always like Prime & Megs best, no matter what. Before you comes Barricade, who is right in thinking he is so “fabulous.” Though I’d prefer just plain AWESOME.

I like you cuz you hate everything. Which I think is funny. Soon I will purchase your toy and Barricade’s toy. You’re the only ones from the movie I don’t have yet.

Anyway, enough about me.

1) Will you be resurrected for the sequel?
2) Do you think “Jungle Bonecrusher” is a piece o’ no good scrap?
3) What is your… uh… least hatededed food?
4) Do you hate cats or dogs less?
5) Can you really roller-skate?
6) Did it hurt to catch fire or smash through the bus?
And finally, The Burning Question:
7) What in the name of PRIMUS did you really say?!?

I’m absolutely sure I heard “Move!” (to the bus) “Take that, Autobot!” (to Prime) & “I HATE YOU!” (to Prime and... well everything and everyone else)

Yours…uh… Hatefully,

Kremzeek!

I'm glad you're wasting money on bad representations of me in shoddy plastic quality. You keep doing that.
1) Apparently NOT. I hate that. Which is why, as President, the first thing I'll do is publically execute Michael Bay (and if that doesn't get me some support, nothing will.)
2) Do you need to ask?
3) Brussel Sprouts. At least they're honest about tasting awful.
4) Cats. They hate everyone just as much as I do, while dogs are disgusting bundles of love.
5) Better than you can, Sparky.
6) YES!
7) None of your business. Also the word 'Hate'.

hi bonecrusher!!! my name is brianna and i just want to tell you that i hate alot of things too. so your not alone. and that i like you. and tell sound wave and the other decepticons that i said hi. alright? i'm evil. you wanna know why? cause right now i'm on the computer and i'm not suposed to be, ( cause my grades suck in math). i hate math, not my greatest subject. grrrr. the people in that class bugg me!!! all they ever do is fight amungst one another and get detention. i hate that. don't you hate it when people do that right in the middle of something? gnnnrrrrrrrr. i wish you could come to my school and kill them all. except for my friends. i like my friends. starscream is such a coward. at the end of the Bay movie he's flying off back to cybertron. :P

ps: I <3 U!!!
pss: i'll vote for ya!!!!!

There are words in this email, but I do not understand them. The internet translators to not help me. I am confused.

Wait, is that supposed to be a 'I *heart* you' at the end there? Wow. I think we all know my response to this one.

And I'm not sure I *want* this vote.

Campaign Promises

2008-03-10T12:50:00.001-07:00

I've got a pair of personal emails I'll respond too Wednesday. But for now, more on my bid for President. Remember, you can trust me to hate this job!

Q: If you do become president, who's going to be vice-president?
A: Whoever I can trust to stay out of the freaken way. I was thinking Brawl. Because he likes hurting things as much as I do, and similarity is a MUST in ever campaign. Plus he'll appeal to the 'green guy' vote.

Q:You need to campaign more. Make yourself known. Make appearances, get to know your fellow people...
A: I'll campaign when I'm slagging good and ready to. And I don't want to get to know you fleshbags, I know way too much about you already!

Q: A Decepticon for president of America, better than an Autobot.
A: Yes.

Q: Mr. Crusher, before deciding if I should support you or simply be crushed into paste, I must ask your opinion on the current NAFTA rules.

A: I hate the National Autobots Freedom from Tyranny Association. That movement lead to the downfall of Megatron's great empire, so I recommend that anyone who had been a part of it be shot.

Or are you talking about a different NAFTA?

Q: Bonecrusher, what are your positions on the issues?
-War on Terror
-Iraq
-Economy

-Bears (#1 threat to America)
-Environment
-Legal status of Mini-cons
-Diplomatic relations with other nations
-Diplomatic relations with other planets (Jungle Planet, Speed Planet, Giant Planet, Cybertron....)

A:
-War on Terror: I'm for War, and I'm for Terror, so I must be for it. I think.
-Iraq: Nuke it.
-Economy: Nuke it.
-Bears: Ever since the Academy Awards, I've hated bears more then most other things, so I will institute a law that says all bears should be shot on sight. Preferably painfully.
-Environment: Nuke it.
-Legal Status of Minicons: Now, I don't want to appear racist - in fact, some of my best friends are Minicons (snicker), but I hate them, and they should all end up under my heel.
-Diplomatic Relations with Other Countries: Nuke em.
-Diplomatic Relations with Other Planets: I submit that we should begin construction on the moon, turning it into what I would like to call a "death star", or perhaps, if that name is taken, "Unicron."

Q: And also - the U.S Constitution says that you must be born in the United States to be president. How do you handle that?
A: I can claim my vehicle mode was manufactured in the US. And if that doesn't work, well, then screw it.

GOT A QUESTION THAT WASN'T ANSWERED?
We are not surprised. Comment or Email, you twits.

Vote Hate, 08

2008-03-07T08:46:00.000-08:00

After thinking long and hard about this, and talking with my new campaign manager (Blackout) I have reached an inescapable conclusion that has led to an inevitable decision, one that I know I'm going to regret.

Your planet is in desperate need of a real leader, and none of you humans are truly fit for the job. You are plagued by war, disease, famine and who-knows-what else. These are dark times for your planet. You wander through life guideless, trying desperately to please everyone around you, and for what? Petty personal advancement?

It's time your species changed.

Which is why I, Bonecrusher, have decided to run for President of the United States.

A vote for me is a vote for integrity. I do this not because I want the job (and you can rest assured about that fact - because I'd hate it), but because I feel a deep need to whip your species into shape. Your species need a uniter, and I will be that uniter (because those who oppose me won't live very long).

A vote for me is a vote for someone you can trust to be consistent (hate), to stand up for his principals (hate), and to always be completely honest. I will never lie. I will never suck up to any group; I will tell them exactly what I think of their stupid ideas.

A vote for me is a vote for strength and security. I guarantee that all wars on your planet will end shortly after I come to office, by my own fist, if I have too. Unlike other cowardly Presidents of the past, I will make sure this happens personally. I will have no tolerance for lawbreakers and rebels, and you can rest assured that anyone defying me will be pummeled into submission. I will also make sure no foreign (by which I mean extraterrestrial) threats will bother Earth, by conquering Quintessa, just in case they try anything.

A vote for me is a vote for change. Real change. You will not be able to recognize this planet once I'm through with it. Things will change, and clearly for the better.

A vote for me is a vote against evil lobbying groups. I will not accept their money - I have no need for such a thing. Instead, I will kill them. I vote for me is a vote for dead lobbyists. And who doesn't want more of those? Lawyers too. Instead of being influenced by lobbyists, all decisions will be made solely on the basis of which side I hate more. I can assure you I will see all negatives to all issues presented to me.

A vote for me is a vote for experience. I've been around far longer than any human has ever been, and I have seen far more. Be assured, you will not be letting someone with a mere 60 years of life under their belt into the office, but one who has lasted for thousands of years.

Why settle for the lesser of all evils? Vote for Bonecrusher this November, and bring about a change in the World.

If you are saying to yourself 'Bonecrusher, your ideas make sense to me. How can I help?', then you need more help than I thought. Please send all your money to me, and help raise the chances of getting someone you know will hate you into office. If you have no money, at least spread this around the internet, and get the word out! Hey, it worked for Howard Dean, didn't it?

Election Thingy's

2008-03-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

Really, Democracy is a silly concept. Look down the street sometime. See that fat guy munching a candy bar? See that woman with the overapplied makeup. See the college kid running over children with his car? See all these people? Then ask yourself, do you [i]really[/i] want their opinion influencing the government?

I thought not.

So you humans have a big election coming this year. The nominee for one side is an old guy, and for the other side it's either the college student or the former president's wife. Diverse selection you have there. All of them are stupid.

Of course, you have to be careful talking about politics. Because if you say something negative about a politician, the secret service will descend on you like a ticked off Regulan Metal Monger. And I can tell you from experience that you do NOT want a ticked off Regulan Metal Monger coming at you. You actually don't want one coming at you period. But that's another blog.

Anyway, come November, you humans will come out of your hovels and vote for someone based on their compartive stance on topical issues, by which I mean 'whoever seems nicer'. This is really no basis for a system of government. After all, if a bunch of Warrior Zermarkians land on Earth and challenge your leader to a duel, who are you gonna send out? The old guy, the wife, or the college student? Yeah, they'll beat a Zemark Warrior Prince. I hope you guys like being slaves.

What you humans need is a REAL leader. I'll ask Megatron, but I don't think he'll be very keen.

Heck, *I* would make a better leader than your current choices.

Hrmm.....

Rustin Away

2008-03-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

When we first landed on Earth, one of the most unfortunate shocks to us was liquid water. We'd encountered H2O in it's ice forms many times, but liquid was new - and more specifically, the long term reaction it caused with our platings. Yes, I mean rust.

A rust spot developed on me late Friday, and now the slagging thing Won't. Go. Away. It's made me even angrier than usual, but at the same time made it so that I don't want to do anything. Ever had something do that to you? Yeah? Well I slagging HATE IT.

So, I'll just sit here and mope for awhile, this rust rash on my side, rubbing it with rust repellent that doesn't work. It is obnoxious. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be Cosmic Rust. But with my luck, it will be.

Cosmic Rust is technically an organic being that feeds on Cybertronian metal. And it reproduces quickly, and spreads throughout Cybertronian colonies. We had a big plauge with it a couple thousand years ago. Not pleasant. Was kinda amusing to see Starscream moping about it though. It 'ruined his good looks'. And for that, I thanked Primus. Starscream looks about as good as a Regulan Metal Mongers behind.

I'm going to have to crawl over to Ratchet's to get some treatment for this. I hate doing that too. Wish we had a Decepticon doctor here on Earth. But we don't. Cause I think I might have killed him. Maybe shouldn't have done that. Ah well.

Spam

2008-02-29T08:12:00.000-08:00

There was one more Email I got last week, and it was too... irritating to let go to waste.

TELEGRAMA

NÚMERO DO TELEGRAMA: 795315681 IDENT: INF045968745BR

Você acabou de receber um Telegrama Online dos: correios
O "Novo Telegrama" está cheio de novidades,
mais uma coisa não mudou, quem recebe, lê!

Para ler seu telegrama clique aqui ou na imagem
abaixo.

*Serviço disponivel 24 horas por dia.

Após o processo de recepção,todo o trâmite será automático, não há intermidiação humana durante o processamento interno no SGM, oque confere total confidencialidade, confiabilidade e segurança ao conteúdo da mensagem.

Dear Whoever Sent me this mail: WHAT?

It linked back to this, which I have no idea what it is, and had a bunch of other dead links in it. Apparently, someone things I know - what is that supposed to be? Spanish? Not according to every online translator I could find.

A little more research turns up the fact that it's Portugese. I don't even know where that's supposed to be. I hunted down Squawktalk (Another war buddy - language specialist. Was useful when we first landed on Earth, hasn't been useful since.) so I could try and decipher this mysterious message, which may have been incredibly important, or at least amusing. It somehow managed to be neither.

TELEGRAM NUMBER OF THE TELEGRAM: 795315681 IDENT: INF045968745BR You it finished to receive a Online Telegram from: post offices the "New Telegram" is full of new features, plus a thing did not move, who receives, reads! To read its telegram here click or in the image below. * Service disponivel 24 hours per day. After the reception process, all the proceeding will be automatic, does not have intermidiação human being during the internal processing in the SGM, oque confers total confidencialidade, trustworthiness and security to the content of the message.

I really don't think I can top that.

So, today I learned that the wonders of the internet allow people to send me messages that don't work in languages I can't read. If it weren't so pathetically sad, it would be funny.

Big Email Day

2008-02-27T09:25:00.001-08:00

I promised you emails, and since I hate breaking promises, here you go. (I hate keeping promises too, but I also hate dishonesty more than honesty and - just don't ask me any more philosphical questions, OK?)

Dear Bonecrusher. since you have been living on EarthI would like to know your opinion on human femeales. Oh , how I hate them... With Decepticons we know were they stand. They might want to kill/main/burn you, but at least hey are honest with that. Human females are sneaky, manipulative and cold person who will resort to any dirty trick in the book to get what they want. I hate them. I also hate you too.

My hatefull respects

Johny

I hate females (Gasp, who saw that one coming), who are only slightly more obnoxious then males. But I think the thing I hate the most is the demented idea you humans have about trying to reveal as much of a human female as possible without doing it. Now, my first instinct was to laugh at you humans for wearing clothes, but since I found out what you look underneath, I've become much more comfortable with the idea - and the one thing I don't want to see is more of you. Dear Humanity: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF PRIMUS KEEP YOURSELF COVERED. Ugh.

Though I will say that the way you describe them, females would make very good Decepticons. However, we don't need fleshies in our Decepticon ranks, so forget it.

Hey Bonecrusher! Remember me? No?! Good because I love to say my name! It's Mixmaster, buddy! I just saw your blog and thought it would be good to tell you that me and Scrapper got a job at the next Transformers show, "Animating" or something, and you see, we kind of need... more "body parts" for Devastator and I heard you're unemployed and... well you got the drill.

I'm waiting for your reply.

Love, Mixmaster.

LOOK! THAT DEVASTATOR THING NEVER HAPPENED AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED! I'M NOT GOING BACK! LEAVE ME THE SLAG ALONE!

I am NOT being a freaken Arm again.

Hey, Bonecrusher,

I've read your blog for quite a while now. And I must say, you have quite a view on hating things.

Also, I've seen all the things you've said about the Decepticons, like that "dolt" Megatron and the "so-full-of-himself" Starscream to be precise.

But what do you think (or as you may prefer, HATE) about the other Decepticons you've worked with recently? I mean, really? Like, per se, the badass Blackout (though, after taking out a whole military base, he was owned by an airstrike and a sabot-shot to the crotch), the insect-like Scorponok, the bad cop Barricade, that deranged cybernetic imp from hell Frenzy, and (of course), the heavily armed Brawl/Devastator (take your pick)?

Can't wait to hear your response! XD!!!

Scorponok was a special effect. The real Scorponok was too big, and more importantly too bad of an actor to get into the film. Brawl - yes, that's his real name -I haven't seen for awhile. After they got his name wrong and refused to fix it, he went back to Cybetron to sulk. I hear he's still there. Hes a stuck-up snob, and couldn't handle the blow to his ego. Barricade was a nobody 'till he got his roll in the film, and now he's going around like he's freaken Optimus Prime or something. Just blah-blah-blah I was the REAL Decepticon star blah blah. Last I heard of him, he was doing a cross country tour of all the Krispy Kremes. Blackout's strange. He creeps me out for some reason. He's got an attitude I just can't pin down - he's pretty vain, obsessed with fashion, bizarrely nice, and has a very strange tone of voice (which is why he didn't talk in the film). Don't quite know what's going on with him - he keeps saying things like he's 'fabulous'. What the slagging heck does THAT mean?
And Frenzy? He's just plain annoying. I'd tell him to lay off the coffee, but he doesn't drink Coffee. I suspect drugs.

Hi,

I have a question regarding your hatred. Do you hate cover things that simply aren't? I.E, do you hate that Megatron is the Autobot leader even though he is anything but?

Please don't step on me,
Chris

Why would I hate something that doesn't exist? That's it. You're getting stepped on.

Golden Statues

2008-02-25T08:46:00.001-08:00

I'll do Emails Wednesday, because right now I'm really slagging angry.

As you all know, I hated that movie I starred in. But when you work on something and are up for an award for your hard and painful effort of smashing through buses daily, you tend to get a little prideful about it.

Well, last night was the great big Academy Awards ceremony, where a bunch of morons dulled out awards. My movie, as you probably know, sucked in all areas but one - it looked really pretty. Lots of good looking explosions and stuff. Yeah, I hate how overdone they were, but it was much better than that stuck-up fish from the Pirate movie and that bear who does the soda commercials.

I wasn't there last night, but I heard Optimus and Megatron were both ready to walk up and accept the award jointly. In fact, all us bot's who were in the movie showed up at Ratchet's place - yes, even me. What? He promised free Energon, but it was slaggy Energon. But whatever. So it's our turn to be in the spotlight, all the pain and suffering Michael Bay put us through and finally some recognition on this dirt ball. It's our moment... And...

They gave it to the slagging bear.
THE.
SLAGGING.
BEAR.

Megatron stormed out of the theater, and I think Optimus began to cry. Back where all the rest of us were watching, Starscream immediately went beserk, going on about how much he suffered and how bad the make up hurt and how hot it was and how difficult it was and how many explosions he had to make and how good it looked and how it just wasn't fair... I think Ironhide was the one who broke the TV. Blackout and Ratchet hugged and cried (that was really awkward...) and Bumblebee turned off the TV and started playing a very violent video game. Were we mad? SLAGGING YES. We practically sold our souls (and our poor beaten and bruised bodies) to freaken Hasbro and Michael Bay, and at the very least we deserve some recognition for it. And that Polar Bear? He was just doing the same thing he always does, lounging around and drinking beer (What, you think it's actually soda in there? Guess again!). No artistic credibility at all. He didn't even run through an explosion once, like I did, what, 14 times? I mean, at least the Fish-Face fellow did some acting. I wouldn't have minded quite so much if he had one, because at least he put effort into his roll. I hear he went and ordered out Los Angeles entire supply of rum to drown his sorrows. Wish I'd thought of that.

So why did the Bear win? Quite simple - cash. Lots and lots of dirty money snuck into Academy Voters pockets to guarantee his slaggy movie gets an award since nobody else in the world bothered to watch it. How do we know? Soundwave proved he was good for something.

Fortunately, as you have guessed by now, Decepticons do not take to being shafted lightly. Megatron is plotting war on Hollywood. I forsee much carnage and fun in the future. I'm pretty sure they won't be having an awards ceremony next year, if you get my drift.

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

2008-02-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

Some people recently moved in next to me. Now that, of course, was a mistake. Perhaps a forgivable mistake -after all, it is easy for idiot humans to mistake a good giant robot for a bad giant robot, if they are blind, deaf, and only have one functioning brain cell. But that isn't why I was forced to destroy their house.

You see, someone in this family - I don't know which one - has an appreciation for music. Specifically, music that only has notes that go BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM at a very annoying and repetitive rate. This person would play this music going BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM for hours on end, even at the late hours when I'm trying to enter my rest cycle - and switching off my audials didn't help, because the bass was deep enough to shake the floor. And there is nothing more annoying that late at night then BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.

At first, I tried to retaliate using Cybertronian Street Metal. Cybertronian Street Metal was invented by Squawkbox, and it is the most obnoxious thing you have ever heard. It sounds, roughly, like a cat being put through a blender in the middle of an Earthquake. And throw some screams and sirens in there too. There is a good reason Squawkbox is no longer among the living.

So I hunted down Rumble and extorted his recording from him. I switched off my audials, cranked up the volume and let it go.

After awhile, convinced that no loving thing could survive such an auditory assault, I switched it off and tried to resume my rest cycle. Forty minutes later - you guessed it - BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.

That's when I knew I had to take drastic measures. Long story short, I gave them a BOOM they won't soon forget.

So to all you angsty humans who play your obnoxious music way-too-loud, consider this your only warning. I. Hate. That.

AIM and Stuff

2008-02-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

So I ran into Starscream the 0ther day, online. I recorded the conversation for prosperity.

(ScreamingtheStars) Ah, Bonecrusher, it's good to see you're on.
(BonecrusherHates) The slagging heck it is. What do you want?
(ScreamingtheStars) Actually, I was hoping you could do me a favor.
(ScreamingtheStars) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) Are you there?
(BonecrusherHates) I didn't want to dignify that with a response. Ok, what?
(ScreamingtheStars) Ok, you know how I am infinitely more popular then you?
(BonecrusherHates) I had an inkling. *rolleyes*
(ScreamingtheStars) It's not as great as you think. And that's why I'm asking you.
(ScreamingtheStars) You see, I've got a bunch of, well, I think the proper term is 'fangirls'
(ScreamingtheStars) The won't leave me alone! They cluster outside my house, and yell that they love me.
(BonecrusherHates) Wow. I almost feel pity for you.
(BonecrusherHates) Almost.
(ScreamingtheStars) Well, the thing is... I want them gone. And since you like doing this kind of thing, I was wondering if you'd, you know, take care of them for me.
(BonecrusherHates) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) It would be a huge favor. I'd owe you big time.
(BonecrusherHates) Normally, I would jump on a chance to kill a bunch of innocents like that.
(BonecrusherHates) But then something occurs to me.
(BonecrusherHates) You were one of the most feared Decepticons in the war.
(ScreamingtheStars) Well, yes. But what does that have to do with anything?
(BonecrusherHates) Answer me this.
(BonecrusherHates) I once heard you brag that you could take 50 Autobots on at the same time.
(BonecrusherHates) And then you went out and did it.
(BonecrusherHates) Which, by the way, is the only reason Megatron never slagged you.
(BonecrusherHates) So if you can handle 50 Autobots all by yourself
(BonecrusherHates) HOW COME YOU CAN'T HANDLE A BUNCH OF HUMAN FEMALES?
(ScreamingtheStars) ....
(ScreamingtheStars) Because...
(BonecrusherHates) I'm waiting.
(ScreamingtheStars) I'd feel bad.
(BonecrusherHates) That's it. I'm sending this to Megatron.
(ScreamingtheStars) Go ahead. He's got his own squad of fangirls moping after him.
(BonecrusherHates) Somehow, I'm not surprised.
(ScreamingtheStars) Thanks for nothing.
(BonecrusherHates) You're welcome.
(BonecrusherHates) You know, it occurs to me that if your AIM name got out, then the 'fangirls' would have an entirely new way to harass you.
(ScreamingtheStars) ...
(ScreamingtheStars) You wouldn't slagging dare.
(BonecrusherHates) Oh. Would I?
(BonecrusherHates) :D
(ScreamingtheStars) I hate you.

Ps: Don't try. He deleted it already.

More Emails

2008-02-18T11:31:00.000-08:00

Number of Emails this week. Here's a couple. Let's get this over with.

Bonecrusher,

If you hate everything, then that means you hate yourself do you not? That's how I'm reading this blog. You need a mental check and a serious self esteem boost dude. Remember the one email that you got from someone by the name of Skye? Several days ago? Yeah, personally, I think you're the one with the psychological disturbance and not her. Valentine's Day is gross to a certain degree, but you should at least love (or 'like' if you prefer it) yourself! In my opinion, anyone that doesn't at least love themselves (don't go overboard though!) have a mental issue. So, when you say "I hate everything", actually think about what you're saying for once in your life!

-Veronique

Sure, I hate Myself. Falls under 'everything', doesn't it? However, I disagree with your assertion that I also need a 'self esteem' boost. Self esteem leads to Pride, and Pride always come before a fall, and I make it my business to avoid falling.

If you ask me, loving yourself leads to far more mental issues then recognizing all the faults you have. If you haven't yet figured it out, I'm a realist, and I recognize everything for what it is. I hate myself because I'm self-centered, slow, and not stronger then Megatron. Now, acknowledging those things does far more for your mental health then pretending your all peachy. Maybe you should think about your faults more often. You'll probably end up a wad of self-loathing too. And I will laugh at you. Hah Hah.

Bonecrusher,

I know you'll hate me, but your blog is awesome.

How does it feel to have your head cut off? Did you still have a few seconds of processing after you were decapitated, like a human head has a couple seconds of oxygen and blood left to think with when we're decapitated? I've heard that's true and I was wondering if it's similar with robots...and you'd be the expert.

Suzy

My blog sucks. I hate it. But it's for a greater cause, so I deal with it.

Well, I wouldn't know exactly what it feels like - after all, there is a point where 'movie magic' takes over acting skills. If my head were to actually be pulled off, it would indeed be fatal. However, your question interested me, so I went and tracked down Frenzy, who has a decentralized processor, and thus can survive that. After beating him up for a bit, he answered your question: He said it really slaggin hurts.

Just thought you should know.

Self-Advertisement

2008-02-15T11:02:00.000-08:00

The writers strike has ended, and finally those lazy good-for-nothings are back to work. And that means that yes, Transformers number 2 is back in production.

So today, I will forgo my normal blogging, and do something I hope never to do again.

Dear TF2 Writers:

As you may recall, I played an important part in the first Transformers movie. I feel that I was unable to put forth my true potential in the part. Despite this, my character was popular (as evidenced from the fact that I appeared in every trailer), so perhaps there is a chance that maybe I could return for the sequel?

As you may recall, I was excellent on-set, and I only killed 20 people. And think to yourselves, aren't you better off now that they aren't around to harass you anymore? I would like a chance to exercise my talent, and take a part in Number 2.

As per the last film, I am more then willing to blow many things up, and get in rough fights with other Cybertronians. Again I must remind you my appearance was a crowd pleaser, and thus my return would be welcomed. Even if I must play another character, I need the money, and would gladly take even a background part.

And if you don't, I will smash you into oblivion.

-Signed, Bonecrusher

Gah, that was the most horrible thing I've ever had to do. So much sucking up and faking 'niceness', UGH! Disgusting, Horrible, virtually obscene. I slagging hope I never have to do that again.

But if I do get in, at least I won't be forced to play in the slagging Gobot movie. Or, Primus forbid, Voltron.

Love, Naturally

2008-02-13T09:35:00.000-08:00

Today I shall touch upon a subject that goes against everything I stand for - Love.

I love Nothing. I hate Everything. It's very simple. I am diametrically opposed to the concept of Love in general. So, of course, it greatly offends my sensibilities that you humans have a day dedicated to it. In fact, most Cybertronians in general are, at the very least, uncomfortable at what you humans call love.

Let's face facts. Love between two human beings is biologically disgusting. I'm fairly sure I don't need to get into the details of why, suffice to say that there's no telling what other disgusting microscopic 'things' are in the other person. It sounds like an awfully dangerous exercise to me.

You see, back on Cybertron, the concept of 'love' is a very foreign thing. We didn't have females (why would we? All life comes from the Allspark), though we did have Cybertronians with what you humans would describe as feminine traits. We had friendship, which in my opinion, is also a stupid concept, since you never know when your buddy is going to ditch you leaving you to face thirty angry Autobots alone. Scrapper, if you're reading this, I still haven't forgiven you, and never will.

Anyway, it wasn't until we found a couple biological species that we realized there was a concept called 'gender' at all. It was a very strange realization, and a couple freaks decided to start identifying themselves as one or the other. And it wasn't till we started hanging around Earth that we discovered the idea of love. Other biologicals have the good sense not to be so overt about it, but you humans... revel in it. Ugh. I get shudders thinking about it.

So, this 'Valentines day', you humans are supposed to show off your love for each other. But I must implore you, think about it first. Do you really love said person? Do you really want to be around that person-all-the-time? Think carefully. I'm not sure you humans know yourselves what your invention of 'love' is really all about.

And, for Primus's sake, could you please stop plastering lingerie commercials all over the place? I don't WANT to see more of your bodies. Disgusting.

Opening the Mailbox

2008-02-11T08:49:00.000-08:00

Let's see who's decided to bug me today.

Dear Bonecrusher:

You and I have one thing in common, we both hate the human race.
But I bet I hate humans more than you do! You seem like the kind of guy who
has way too much time on his hands. You're probably some pathetic "flesh bag"
who lives with his mommy! I hate the living.

Signed by your so-called "pathetic" fleshbag critic,
Skye

While hating the human race is an improvement, I sense a psychological disturbance in you. In fact, I believe that you are projecting your own situation onto me in an effort to release your anger. In answer to that, I must instead council you to try breaking things to relieve your stress. Try doing it with your head. Let me know if that fails to knock some sense in to you.

And incidentally, I do have a lot of time on my hands. You know why? BECAUSE I'M A RETIRED WAR VETERAN. There isn't a lot of work for us, you notice, especially when we're of the Giant Robot variety.

Hey there, Bonecrusher.

Hate to break it to you, but I survived the road trip, although I did
hit a nasty blizzard in New York.

Anyway, I was playing the Wii version of the Transformers game that's
based off that Michael Bay movie you hate so much, when I realized
that you're hardly in the game at all. You're only in two missions,
and I have to protect you from military gunfire in both of them while
playing as Starscream. What in the world is up with that? I know
that you're no weakling, and definately wouldn't need protection from
another Decepticon, especially Starscream. Care to enlighten me about
why such missions portraying you as a weakling, when you clearly
aren't, exist in this game?

Rin

Rin, I'm beginning to think you're either flirting with me or stalking me. I would recommend not trying either. The last time someone tried that, they woke up with their legs three miles from their torso.

As for the game, I had issues with Activision. They could never get my play style correct - you'd think it be easy, just run around and hit things, but NO, they couldn't do it. No matter what they tried, it failed to live up to the fact that I didn't hate it. After I killed two of their executives and ran over a third, they finally decided to 'remove me from the game.' Knowing that, I left, not realizing that by 'removing me', they meant 'throwing me in as a worthless side-character'. I wasn't happy.

You'll notice the game got bad reviews. I'm the reason why. Journalists will say anything if you threaten to bludgeon them to death with their own legs. I also have the top programmers for the game on my hit list. They moved their Headquarters to another country because of it. Good riddance.

A Small Story

2008-02-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

Megatron once told me 'If you're ever unsure what to do, destroy everything without a Decepticon symbol on it.' Unfortunately, I wasn't paying attention at the time, so I heard it as 'Destroy everything.'

These are words to live by. You humans like to pretend that violence does not solve problems. It's been my observation that if violence doesn't solve a problem, you're not using enough of it.

You see, there are two primary ways to deal with something you don't like. The first goes like this: you can ignore it and hope it goes away. Now, this is an excellent strategy if you're low on Energon or just plain too lazy to do something about. It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in reality, I'm actively waiting for my problems to leave.

The other option is 'hit it until there's nothing left'. I far prefer this one. This is why, yesterday, I razed an entire town.

You see, the place where I live seems to be getting tired of me randomly sending people to the intensive care unit. I can't understand why - I would think the doctors would be happy for the increase in work. But, regardless, they decided to send a couple cops and a few Autobots to politely ask me to stop. Apparently, they don't realize that being a giant death machine comes with certain privileges. I cleared that misconception really quick.

But, unhappy with the fact that they had to hire a new police force, they sent out more to bother me. They are slow learners, these humans. By the third round though, it was just getting annoying. So I got a couple of Decepticon war-buddies together, inebriated them on rich Energon, and marched us downtown to have a talk with the mayor. One thing lead to another, and, well, a good portion of the city went up in flames.

The moral of today's story is 'Leave Bonecrusher alone when he wants to be alone.' Also 'If it annoys you, blow it up.' Good? Good.

World History at a Glance

2008-02-06T11:19:00.000-08:00

Feeling immensely bored yesterday, and needing something to Hate, I decided to look into your human history logs and see what idiocies happened while your species was forming. I was surprised. It's a wonder you monkeys learned how to breathe properly.

HUMAN HISTORY - Big Bang to Present

Bazillions of Years Ago - Earth forms from cooling gases and hardening things, creating conditions ripe for organic life and immediately realizes the mistake it's made.

-65+/- Million Years Ago - Bunch of Giant Lizards walk the Earth, Die.

-2.5 Million Years Ago - Some Monkeys get that it's a good idea to walk upright. Rest of Universe laughs at them.

-10,000 BC - Some genius gets the idea to put a rock on the end of a stick and whack things with it. At this time, Cybertronians have already explored the greater whole of this galaxy. Just thought I should mention that.

-8000 BC +/- - It occurs to humans that dropping fruits in the ground makes trees grow there. This new idea spreads, and soon you're all feeling mighty proud of yourselves. The Quintessons come and take 400 human captives away for experimentation. This leads to the creation of- wait. I'm not supposed to tell you that yet. Never Mind.

-4000 BC +/- - The Invention of Government, which, 6000 years later, hasn't changed from rich guys arguing about unimportant things.

2500 BC - A lost Cybertronian gets dumped on Earth in the Middle of the Desert. He enslaves an entire country, and makes them build monuments to him. Sadly, the best they can get are large triangular buildings. Before he can do more harm, Autobots pick him up and drag him off the planet. Humans make up a story about an important guy to make themselves look good. True story. Honest.

-500 BC - A bunch of guys invent actual fighting techniques, and take over the World. You call this Rome. We call them 'slow.'

-500 AD - Rome collapses for no good reason. Far be it for me to point out that despite the fact we're lead by a dolt, the Decepticons never did that.

-500-1000 AD - The Dark Ages. Stupidity and Ignorance reign. Same as now. Don't know why you needed a special term for it.

-1500 AD - This dinky little upstart nation named England becomes full of itself. Oh, and finally realizes they're on a big ugly ball spinning through space.

-1800 AD - A bunch of upstarts make a country called America and also become full of themselves. Also, humans discover that metal things are a good idea. The seeds of the great Robot Revolution start. But I'm not supposed to tell you about that, either.

-1900-1950 AD - Europe gets mad at itself and a big fight breaks out. Twice. Then Americans drop nukes, and the rest of the world ceases to matter.

-1980's AD - Transformers arrive on Earth, and are immediately sucked into a capitalist scheme to sell their image to little children. Sad.

-2000 AD - America becomes reaalllly full of itself. Computers take over the world.

-2007 AD - I start blogging and let the world know that I hate it. Clearly the most important event to happen thus far.

-2010 AD - Megatron blows up the planet. (Planned)

And there you have it. A completely accurate history of this dust ball. I hope it opened your eyes.

Mondays Are Mail Days

2008-02-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

In case you forgot.

Dear Bonecrusher,

How does this "hating everything" deal work, anyway? Do you simply hate existence itself and, by extension, everything else automatically? Or do you just take things on a case-by-case basis, evaluating everything, and just happen to always end up hating it?

I guess what I'm asking is, is it theoretically possible that you might someday discover something you actually liked?

Your inexplicable fan,
Andy

Excellent question Andy. Yes, I do evaluate the universe on a case-by-case basis. For example, let's take you. You've already shown that you have too much free time by sending me an email, and the email is far-too-polite, which suggests either a holier-than-thou attitude, or you're really naive enough to respect me. Both of these, of course, are traits that I would hate. So already I've come up with a fairly good basis for hating you. Now, if I had met you in person, I could also determine that you were either A) Ugly, B) Too Good Looking, or C) Decidedly Average, all of which are qualities that are annoying, as well as more reasons to discriminate against you based on your height, weight, age, hair color, eye color, tone of voice, clothes that you wear, and the general look on your face. As you can see, I can easily find all sorts of reasons to begin hating you.

It is possible, in theory, that I will run into something I don't hate. But previous experience has taught me not to expect that, or even consider it a viable theory.

NEXT.

Hello again, Bonecrusher.

I'm currently on one of those dreaded road trips right now, and
finally got some time to sit down and hop onto the computer so I could
read your blog. I just happened to think something as I read your
most recent posts. If you hate being a Decepticon so much, does that
mean that somewhere deep down inside you, you secretly wish you were
an Autobot even though you claim to hate them?

Rin

No. The Autobots are oppressive, tyrannical, moronic, and dare to hide behind the concept of justice. The Decepticons are exactly the same, but at least we have the good graces to be open about. Though I hate them, they are the lesser of two evils. Plus they are less likely to yell at me when I break bystanders heads.

And good luck surviving your road trip. And by 'good luck', I mean 'I hope your car breaks down in the middle of the desert.'

Are you READY FOR SOME FOOT BALL

2008-02-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

So, apparently you mindless little skin sacks have a big sports event coming up this weekend. But before I explore that, a word on Cybertronian sports.

The closest thing we developed to what you humans call 'Sports' was the Gladiator Pits. It was from this underground network that I, Megatron, and most of the other top-tier Decepticon's got their start. The Pits were a glorious mess of death and carnage. They were brutal - 9/10 times, the loser died. I rarely lost. Megatron never did. Good times. I hated them.

The Autobots, of course, banned the Pits as soon as they found out about them. That's part of what lead to the Decepticon Revolution. So in a way, we Decepticons have our roots in sports.

And now, I can only hope your football players get up the nerve to do the same.

So when I found out this 'Superbowl' thing - thanks to Skywarp, Thundercracker and Blitzwing, who are all major ESPN fans now - I decided to look a little more in to it.

For a brief moment, I thought you humans had found something almost worthwhile. Eleven guys on each side line up, pause, then beat the living slag out of each other for no good reason. Then I realized they were fighting for a ball - and not even a normal ball, some ugly shaped one. It went down hill from that point - ridiculous rules (Unnecessary roughness? Really?), a bizarre point-system that makes no sense, and this sickening sense of teamwork between the players. Ugh, and I was so hopeful. And why is it called Football, anyway? The ball rarely touches anybody's foot. That's sad.

So basically my advice to you is to strip all that out, and just play 'Beat the Slag Out Of Each Other Ball'. Much better game, I would think.

So Sunday is the big football game, and Skywarp already insists that I come and watch it. I'll beat the slag out of him, then do it anyway, so I can mock it. The teams this year are apparently the 'Patriots' (I don't really need to say how stupid this name is, do I?) and the Giants (Better, but they do not look like Giants to me. They look like scrawny little flesh sacks, just like the lot of you.) Yeah, this sounds reaaaalll exciting. Enjoy watching your stupid game, Fleshlings.

Incidentally, my Energon Chips are on a scoreless game being won by the Giants in the last minute due to a bad call by a referee. That's how these things always turn out.

Decepticons

2008-01-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

Now this one might get me into trouble, but as often the case when I get into trouble, I don't care.

It sucks being a Decepticon. I hate it, and though they won't admit it, so do most Decepticons. The hours are long, the pay sucks, and oh yeah, your boss is a freaking slag heap. There was a time when I once almost respected Megatron, which is the only reason I got in on the Cons in the first place. Then he built that giant purple griffen thing, and it went downhill from there.

Megatron is strong in body, but one of the stupidest individuals you've ever seen. I mean, his alt mode was a Hand Gun - a SLAGGING HAND GUN. There's nothing more humiliating then having your terrifying leader get locked in an alternate mode, and you have to drag it off the battlefield as the Autobots laugh. I wish I could say that only happened once, but it didn't. Fortunately, he finally wised up (after several thousand years of that war) and got himself a jet alt mode, which is still slagging ugly.

Then there's Starscream. Don't get me started on that pompous, self-important twit. I'm fairly sure he's the only Decepticon ever to have posed for Playbot. When he got the makeover for Bay's movie, his reaction was wonderful and priceless. Seeing him suffer so brought a tiny amount of joy to my spark. Then he started taking it out on everybody else, and I hated him again.

Then there's Soundwave. That monotone suckup is obnoxious, always trailing around kissing Megatron's skidplate and rattling on people who have the slightest bit negative to say about anyone. I'm fairly sure he's the reason I haven't made it to Decepticon Second in Command by now. Not that I'd want the job. It looks like it sucks.

And there's a whole huge assortment of other morons, egomaniacs, weaklings, psychopaths, dullards, and just plain stupid Decepticon's in our ranks. It's really pretty pathetic. How we lasted as long as we did in the war is beyond me, really.

Autobots

2008-01-28T08:54:00.000-08:00

Now, it should come as no surprise to you that I hate Autobots. It should come as no surprise that there isn't a Decepticon in the galaxy who won't tell you the same thing, and it should come as no surprise that they hate us right back.

You see, the Autobot/Decepticon war began when the Autobots attacked us (Depending on who you believe). I wasn't around for the start of it, but if we attacked them first, I'm sure they deserved it. Whatever happened, the initial skirmish blossomed out of control and it took a couple hundred thousand years to sort it all out.

By the time we got here, the war had ended, and the Autobot's had won on a technicality. Most Decepticon's aren't happy about that. It also didn't help that they got to Hasbro first, and thus every bit of our portrayal on this stupid planet has painted us as the 'bad guys'. It makes you want to blow up a bunch of innocent bystanders.

It also gave the Autobot's this insufferable attitude of smugness. Like, for example, this email I received recently.

Ahhh My Dear Bonecrusher,

I see your self therapy is coming along quite nicely. I wouldn't peg you as an Oprah watcher but I'm assuming your are. She's always talking about how journals are a good way to get out all your anger. You can't help it if you always get your butt kicked in the end. That would make me hate too. I know that you will never get over that fact which makes me a happy bot. I will get to look forward to more wonderful rants that my fellow Autobots and I find extremely entertaining. I won't ask you what you hate. I already know.

Cheerio,

Jazz

Self therapy? Oprah? Journals? What the slagging heck is this guy blabbing about? I have clearly stated that I only do this for the benefit of you poor humans who don't know the first thing about hatred.

So listen, 'Jazz' (And have I mentioned that Autobot's also pick the stupidest Earth names for themselves? I mean, really), you may think you're a top notch psychiatrist diagnosing me from the internet, but really, you're just another pathetic Autobot scumbag who shoulda been eradicated along with the rest of your kind. I hate Oprah, and I'm fairly sure I don't need to list reasons for that (though it wouldn't surprise me if a bunch of sissy's like yourselves routinely showed up to her shows to get the worthless free slag she dolly's out like candy), and self-therapy is the idea of oversensitive twit brains who have no problems of their own. And to top that off, I don't have a problem - I revel in it. So you can bite my fender.

In fact, I think I'll diagnose you with 'extreme idiocy'. Sadly, the only cure for that is a good solid pounding. I would be pleased to administer treatment, if you'll hold still long enough for me to catch you.

Angry, with a chance of Hate

2008-01-25T10:19:00.000-08:00

One of the singular most effective tools you fleshbags came up with for annoying people is the Weather Report. This sprawling industry is one of the few where people still believe them, despite the fact that their track record is approximately 0%.

As noted in a previous post, I hate rain. If there is a good chance of rain, I won't leave, mostly because I hate it so slagging much. Well, the other day, I decided to head out for a stroll (and by stroll, I mean looking for something to break). But before I did, I glanced at the weather forecast, to make sure there were no unpleasant surprises waiting for me.

Come to think of it, has there *ever* been a surprise that is not negative? I would thing 'unpleasant surprise' is a double-negative, seeing as how all surprises inevitably end up harming or embarrassing you. Once, Skywarp tried to throw a Surprise Party for me. Of course, everything ended up disastrous (I hate parties) and I ended up punching Skywarp through a wall. So, surprises suck all around. But I digress.

Anyway, so I stepped outside, and went on my excursion. Broke a couple cars, beat up some flesh bags, ran over a guys puppy, you know, stuff like that. Then, without warning, someone opened up the flood gates.

You human insects have this story about this guy who built a big boat to survive a lot of rain, well, he had NOTHING on this storm. I haven't seen rain this heavy since the last time I complained about it.

So I immediately headed home, driving through entire oceans that were forming due to this downpour. With righteous indignation I pulled up the weather page, only to find it said there was a 'possibility' of 'light rain'.

The next time I saw a weather man on my TV, I punched the TV in. And now I have a broken TV too. I hate weather forcasters.

A Day At the Movies

2008-01-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

So, I went to the Cinema the other day. Now, it's not often I will tolerate human produced slag, but this one piqued my curiosity. It's called Cloverfield (Why, I haven't the faintest), and it's about a giant thing destroying stuff. Now, in my mind, that's a formula so simple that even you humans couldn't get it wrong. Well, YOU DID. But more on that in a minute.

First, I want to give you the quick impressions I had while trying to get into the theater.
- Traffic: Lousy
- Parking: Also Lousy. It's times like these I'm glad I don't have too. Suckers.
- Popcorn: 24$ a Bucket, and Lousy
- Seats: Too Small, Uncomfortable, Not Designed For Cybertronian Rears
- Floor - I don't want to know what it was that caused my feet to stick
- Service - Lousy
- Theater Tickers - More Overpriced then the Popcorn
- Crowd - Obnoxious and Noisy
- Previews - For movies no one in their right mind would ever even consider seeing.

So, as you've probably figured out, I was already not in the best of moods when the movie itself actually started.

You humans have this thing about not wanting to know the end of the movie, so it's only fair I give you a heads up: Don't waste your time.

Nobody warned me this movie wasn't actually about a bunch of fleshsacks running, panting, gasping, screaming, and generally being obnoxious. It's an hour and a half of that. Fortunately, they are all put out of their misery in various painful looking ways, so I give the movie props for that. Unfortunately, the movie itself never wants to actually show you what's being destroyed. Which is really, really, a cop out. So with my only reason for wanting to see the movie lost in the background, I found myself desperate to go out and show this idiots how to *really* tear up a major metropolitan area. Sadly, that would require another roadtrip, and I'm not about to do that again.

A couple humans there also complained about the camera movement making them sick, and sense anything that makes humans miserable is fine by me, I'll let them get away with it.

Overall, I hated the movie. Such an opportunity for you humans to almost redeem yourselves, and you fail miserably. As expected. You fleshbags suck. Hate more, slaggit!

My Inbox Is Weeping

2008-01-21T09:19:00.000-08:00

It seems that every time I open my mailbox, another couple of you twits have decided to bother me. I'm arbitrarily declaring Monday's mail day so I don't have to do this every time I sit down.

Bonecrusher,

I am a big fan of the European exclusive Turbomasters and Predators. Please tell me why I should hate them as much as the barely-functioning wireless network at the UTDallas student housing.

Thanks,
Chris

Because they are bad toys. Duh. And you should be thankful for the bad internet connection - it keeps you from reading all the other useless stuff dumped on the internet.

Hey there, Bonecrusher.

You know what really irritates me? The fact that there are so many
people on the road who just don't know how to drive. Of course, when
I say people, I mean humans. I don't wanna offend any of you
transformers. Every time you flip on the news, you hear about these
'horrific accidents' in which nobody survives, everyone gets sent to
the ER, or the one at fault was just plain drunk. They always wonder
why there are so many accidents, but it just seems like they will give
a drivers license to just about anybody nowadays. I can't tell you
how many 'accidents' I've almost been in because humans just don't
know how to drive. Have you or any other Decepticon that can drive
ever had to deal with these 'accidents' that were caused by human
drivers?

Rin

Rin, you have no idea. Every time I go past a wreck on the road, I feel a deep sense of regret that I was not there to make the crash claim about 20 more cars. I am a firm and deep believer in the driving philosophy you humans call 'Road Rage' - that is, if someone makes me mad enough, I have every right to send their car flying off an overpass.

The worst part is how indignant the human drivers get, like they don't realize I've spent the last couple thousand years fighting a war, or something. If anything gives me a right to rule the road, it's that. But the real problem happens when an Autobot gets in your way. Remember that scene in the idiot movie I was in where me and Prime got in a big brawl on the middle of a freeway? Well, Bay, that unoriginal cheapskate, got the idea from an actual incident involving Runabout and Tracks - except what really happened is that Tracks was driving too slow in the passing lane, and Runabout got reeaaaaallly mad about it, and insulted Tracks Paintjob (Ugly with Flames. Like Bay's Prime, come to think of it.), then Tracks responded with a comment about Runabout's oil filter, and one thing led to another, and well, you know. I'm doubt there were any survivors that day.

And you are absolutely right about the stupidity of human drivers, but I have a hideous feeling that it comes with the territory.

Bloggity Blog Blog Blog

2008-01-18T09:20:00.000-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how much you humans really think of yourselves. You think that you're funny (Hint: You are Not), attractive (See Previous Comment), Intelligent (Do I really have to keep doing this?) and other trivial things. And nowhere is this attitude of self-importance more readily available then the Blogs of the Internet.

Now, to give credit where it's due, the idea of a universal network occured to you fleshbags much earlier in your developmental stage then most other species (The Quintessons, for example, all hate each other too much to risk sharing ideas, and the Nebulons were in space before they figured out the simple idea of wiring computers together). That said, you certainly don't have the faintest idea WHAT to do with this network.

I'm not going to bother to name names, but if you click that 'next blog' up there, you'll get a random blog from the rest of this network. And it doesn't matter which one of the thousands it is, I guarantee it will show off the dredges of human society. Clicking randomly up there, I found a guy prattling about the weather, some persons pathetic artwork of sunsets (Apparently you can't bother to go outside and watch it yourself), and guy complaining about how much his job sucked. Of all the possible uses on the internet, THIS is the best you could come up with? How sad is that.

Fortunately, you have *my* blog to set things straight. You're welcome.

Email Email Email

2008-01-16T12:26:00.000-08:00

Ah, how refreshing it is to check my email, and find that more of you fleshbags have taken it upon yourself to bother me. Two this time, no less.

Hello Bonecrusher! I just thought I'd let you know that I might have found someone who can possibly beat you. You see, on Earth we have this soldier called the Master Chief. He single-handedly destroyed an entire alien armada, a giant ring world, a malicious parasite bent on consuming the galaxy, and a psychotic and extremely intelligent alien AI. If he can do all that, what's to stop him from taking you out next?

Umm, what? What makes you think I'm unbeatable? Why do you think *I'm* not leading the Decepticons? Because Megatron beat the slag out of me, that's why. That said, you are kidding, right? This Master Chief is a human. I am approximately 30 feet taller then he is. I am a Cybertronian death machine. He's a guy with a gun. Suuuure he'll beat me. Right.

Moving on...

Hello Bonecrusher,
I suppose I could say I hate multiple things, but there's one that drives me over the edge of insanity.
People.
A person has the potential for semi-intelligence, however people are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals.
When they get emotional to any extreme, overly hyped, depressed, panicked, it irritates me. Their hyper voices make my skin crawl, weepy women make me ill, and panicky people are the only amusement.

People are the Bane of my existence. Care to Comment?
Aishe G. Is that name real enough for ya??

Now here's a human I can almost appreciate. You certainly have the attitude right, miss. That said, you are also missing the fact that they are small, squishy, and annoying at any age. However, I also have the distinct feeling you are more 'emo' and less 'hate filled'. Let your hate get you angry, not depressed. Release your rage and blah blah blah.

Good start though. There may be hope for some of skin sacks yet.

Ninja

2008-01-14T08:24:00.000-08:00

I'm finally over that little virus you wretches gave me. But now I feel bad again because I dared to open my email today, and received this little gem that made me feel just as bad.

Dear Bonecrusher,
I was wondering if there are any Ninja transformers on cybertron, and what you thought of the Ninjas here on earth.

DarkNinja

First off, 'DarkNinja'? Really? What kind of name is that? The kind that a 3-year old would attach to think it made them look cool. Apparently, using your real name, probably something like 'Louis' or 'Reginald' makes you look too sissy, so instead, you decided to make it all 'cool' with 'DarkNinja'. Here's a wake-up call 'Louis' - the name 'DarkNinja' makes you look STUPID, not COOL. Not that any name could possibly make you look cool.

Secondly, what is this? This is not 'Ask Bonecrusher About Cybertronian Culture', it's 'Ask Bonecrusher What He Hates'. What makes you think *I* know anything about Cybertronian Ninja's anyway? But since I don't have anything better to do, I'll answer your stupid question anyway.

Ok, so now that I've got that off my chest - I don't know if we have any Cybertronian Ninja's per-se (not that it matters, because Ninja's are overrated these days anyway), but I've heard Sixshot works as a Ninja Consultant. Otherwise, well, no. Cybertronians don't need to kype martial arts from you humans, we have our own. The higher ranking Autobots know Diffusion techniques (and let me tell you, those hurt), and we also have Crystalocution, Circuit-Su, and Metallikato. I tried Metallikato once, and just standing hurts more then those Diffusion techniques. I used to know a couple Crystalocution masters as well, and they were all Jerks who didn't know how to actually fight. Now me, I've master the art of 'Punch-You-In-The-Face-And-Beat-the-Living-Slag-Out-Of-You-Itsu'. I find it quite effective.

Oh yeah, there's also that Prowl guy for Animated, who pretends to be a Ninja, but he's not.

As Cybertron Turns...

2008-01-11T09:38:00.000-08:00

Still sick. Too tired to break things now. Only option left is to lie around and watch TV.

And man, you fleshlings have slaggy TV. I will give a billion credits to whoever can tell me what the deal with Oprah is.

But, I suppose I can't complain too much. Cybertronian TV is worse. You know those pathetic 'daytime soaps', as you call them? We have something just like them. Except ours try to pretend to be famous figures in our history. As a comparison for you fleshlings, it would be like watching a soap opera about Eleanor and Franklin D Roosevelt, except Eleanor is having an affair with Joesph Stalin, and Hilter is the funny comic character who wanders in drunk every other episode.

Actually, come to think of it, that might almost be good. Wait... what am I saying? This virus is getting to me. Blech.

But back to Cybertron TV. It sucks. If our soap opera's sound bad (and trust me, they are), you haven't even considered our game shows. A couple of bots named Raindance and Grand Slam host this thing where they get unfortunate Transformers on to stage to prove that no Cybertronian alive has any talent whatsoever at singing. If you can keep up with the lyrics of 15 songs pulled randomly from across the entire Universe, you get a million credits. Nobody has done it yet. For which, I am truly grateful. Because seeing that would probably break me.

Assuming this virus doesn't break me first. Bleah.

Sick, Sick, Sick

2008-01-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

You wouldn't think a giant death-robot would get sick. But we do. And it's your fault. And I hate you for it.

Ok, fess up. Which one of you guys sent that virus to my email? Dear Whoever You Are: If I find you, you are meat. But also know this - any and all destruction occurring during the next week or so is entirely your fault.

You see, when a Cybertronian gets sick, our circuitry goes haywire. And when that happens, well, things in our general vicinity tend to break. We don't sneeze, but our weapons go off randomly. Megatron got a virus once that destroyed half of Cybertron. Anyone who survived that day became a war hero simply by the virtue of still being alive. And if you think that sounds bad, you can't even comprehend the horror of, say, Metroplex getting one of these. It's bad. Real bad.

So when you read about an Earthquake decimating an entire state in the paper tomorrow, know that YOU caused it. I'm going outside, and I hope you got caught in the aftermath.

As soon as this misery is over, I'm getting a spam filter. I hate you all.

Mail Call

2008-01-07T08:33:00.000-08:00

So, I received this lovely gem in my inbox the other day.

Hello Bonecrusher,

I have a question for you. Do you like anything? Or is it only lesser levels of hating? Liking the hating doesn't count either, I mean do you actually like anything about life on earth? Surely there must be something in your existence that gives you joy, and again I don't mean hating giving you joy, I mean something you genuinely like.

Regards,

Mike

And I have a question for you, 'Mike' - if that's your real name. Do you not pay attention, or what?

I Hate EVERYTHING. See that big word right there? Yes, that word is 'everything'. Everything means All of It. The whole shebang. The entire Universe, and then some. And because I Hate Everything, that means that by default, I cannot like anything. I know this is difficult for your little fleshy mind to comprehend, but yes, I do, in fact, Hate Everything.

Now, you are correct on one point. There are things I hate less then other things - marginally less, but yes, still less. But I still hate them, you see. For example, given the choice between rain or snow, I would kill the person making me choose. Then I would take the snow. Because while it is well documented that I hate rain, snowing is only that much worse. I hate rain slightly less then I hate snow. And don't get me started on a clear, sunny day. Ugh. Disgusting.

In answer to your second question, no there is not a thing on this planet, or anywhere else, that I genuinely like. One of the inevitable questions that always comes up is 'Do you hate hating things?', so let me just get that out of the way right now. Yes. I hate hating things. Somewhere, deep inside my spark, in it's darkest recesses, I wish I didn't hate everything, that I could find joy in some tiny thing in the universe. But then I snap out of it- even the tiny things in the universe are, when you get right down to it, tiny pieces of slag. And I hate it all.

And before you ask, yes, I also hate myself. And you too. For asking stupid questions.

Too Busy for What?

2008-01-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

You know what I hate? More then usual, that is. When someone is 'too busy' to make an important deadline.

Yesterday, I found myself in desperate need for a quick fix-up before an important audition for the upcoming Go-Bots movie. By 'need for a quick fix-up', I of course mean, 'someone to shove my arm back into its socket'. Starscream and I had a gentleman's disagreement, and one thing led to another and, well, let's just say I let him off easy.

Unfortunately, there are no Decepticon doctors on Earth (or on Cybertron, for that matter - the Decepticon Philosophy states that if you can't fix it yourself, it doesn't deserve to be fixed. This is why Shockwave has only one hand. What *he* won't tell you, is that he lost it to an overzealous food processor), so as loathe as I was to do it, I had to contact the Autobot's stationed medic.

Now, I figured that since Ratchet and I starred in Bay's idiot movie together, he'd take only slightly less convincing then any other Autobot (Convincing is measured in humans held as hostages), but to my surprise, he was more then happy to put my arm back on. The guy's a bigger dolt then I thought. Obviously, he forgot the four hundred and ninety-three times I had tried to take his head off. But not one to miss taking advantage of any no-good Autobot, I headed to the designated meeting place, carrying my dislocated arm in tow. I showed up a tad early, and began to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And at about the end of 2 hours, I was quite mad. I called up Ratchet, and he apologized profusely, saying something had 'come up'. Something about Megatron blowing up Optimus, or some such nonsense. Pfft, like I care. So I abused him verbally for a bit, and he promised he'd show up in five minutes.

An hour later, I rang him up again. He told me some nonsense about him being in high demand, being the only Cybertronian doctor on the planet, so I yelled at him some more.

After about 4 hours of this back and forth, he finally showed up, shoved my arm back in it's socket, and managed to get away before I could dislocate *his* arm. But by the time I got to where the audition was supposed to be held, it was well over. It looks like I won't be in that Go-Bot movie afterall. Just as well, I would have hated it.

Oh, as to where I was Wednesday? I was busy. Deal with it.

End of the Year

2007-12-31T12:04:00.001-08:00

You know, I had intended to review this entire year - that idiot movie I starred in, political events that all sucked, fires and floods and disasters, late movie rental fees and burnt toast - and how you can look forward to next year being just as bad, if not worse, and maybe talk about my New Years Resolution (To continue to Hate things with the same vigor that I do now), but frankly, something far more important came up.

Specifically, this monstrosity.Ok Hasbro, Takara, whoever is making this slag, I *know* it's your job to take my name and abuse it by slapping it on as many half-scrapped products as you can, but come on guys. You aren't even trying anymore, are you. I mean, look at that pathetic... thing. It's not even bad in the 'they tried to make me cute' way. This is just... so... sad. If it were a man on the street, even *I'd* give it money for looking so darn sad.

I think that image sums up this previous year pretty well, actually. Just. Plain. Pathetic. Like all you human fleshbags. If it weren't so depressing, I'd take another trip up to Rhode Island. Yep, 2008 is going to be one more great year, isn't it. Bet nobody goes one week without breaking all their New Years resolutions.

(The funny part is, that poor thing up there isn't the worst of them. Look at this line up, and weep.)

Transformers: Animated

2007-12-28T18:34:00.000-08:00

Let Bonecrusher tell you all a little story. You see, a long time ago (about 20 years, actually), a bunch of warring space robots woke up from a million year long sleep, to find a bunch of ape descendants had conquered the planet they crashed on. Moreover, those ape descendants were an intelligent species who understood the value of marketing brand recognition. Thus, the ape descendants and the robots signed a contract, that the ape descendants would leave the robots alone, and in return, the robots would allow them to make toys and TV shows and movies in their name.

And let me also tell you that every one of those shows sucked. Come to present day, and the great and mighty Hasbro has decided to roll out and sully our names again. This time, with an idiot cartoon called, and get ready for a real original title here, "Transformers: Animated." Like they've never done that before or anything.

There's a lot to complain about really, but the first and most obvious thing - well, I'll just show you.
Ok, Hasbro, fess up. Which moron thought that this was a good idea? Now, I know we Transformers are way smarter then you human imbeciles, but did you really need to make it obvious by making our heads so stupidley big? And, please tell, why do we need such massive jawlines? Is that motorcycle supposed to stab people in the eye with that, or what?

I don't even need to go into how the Decepticons are portrayed as not 1/1000 as vicious as we really are, or how Prime is actually a moron (come on, he never won the war! He only gets the hero because he made the liscencing deal before Megatron), or all the other woeful inaccuracies. Cybertronian historians watch these things for amusement. If you're going to tell the story of our war, you should at least bother to get it RIGHT.

Ah well. At least they're leaving my good name out of this one. I don't want to even contemplate how hideous I'd look on that. Ugh.

Incidentally, I've found myself busier as of late. I'll only be posting 3 days a week from now on (Mon-Wed-Fri), and sporadically on other occasions, should I feel like it. I'm sure you'll survive without my dose of hatred every day. Now slag off, the lot of you.

Late Night Partying

2007-12-26T22:48:00.000-08:00

While Cybertronians don't sleep, we occasionally enter periodic rest cycles that are similar in function to you fleshbags nightly rest. However, we typically make sense about it. A human told me recently (before I dispatched of him) one night, late into it and about to head to some sort of party, that 'the night is young'. That's a stupid thing to say, especially since solar cycles don't age. But it occurs to me, why would you morons want to prolong any day anyway?

I'm pretty sure I've already told you that the average human life sucks more then a Black Hole on speed, but in case you forgot, your life sucks. All the hassles and annoyances, dealing with ridiculously primitive human mechanics, your slowly degrading body, and the mind numbing imbeciles you interact with on a daily basis. It's a wonder your entire race doesn't outright commit ritualistic suicide, thought that would be quite the blessing on the rest of the universe.

But the point is, your life blows. Why then, would you want to stay up later into the night, when you could just end the day and get it over with? Do you meatbrains have some innate hope that maybe the night will suck less then the day? Do you think that a rigamorall with a bunch of idiots as drunk as you are will somehow be better then the imbeciles you dealt with prior that day? Well, here's an interesting factoid for you: It won't help. You'll wake up with pain in your head, and last nights dinner on the floor in front of you. Sucks, don't it? Welcome to my world.

This is just another example of what I would like to call 'Idiotic Hope Syndrome'. And it seems that every single one of your wretched race is infused with it. IHS affects billions of beings every day. Unfortunately, the only known cure is death. If you feel you are suffering from IHS, feel free to contact me, and I shall be most obliged to administer this cure ASP. Maybe. If I feel like it.

Bah Humbug

2007-12-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

Nobody will pay attention to me tomorrow so I won't even try. You fleshies enjoy your nasty little holiday. Have fun finding that those nice-looking gifts under the tree are sweat socks and underwear. Maybe if you're lucky. that fat guy with the beard will give you something useful, like coal, so you don't acquire hypothermia in those freezing sub-zero temperatures as your house is buried under 12 feet of snow, trapping you inside, freezing and likely starving because you ate all the food on Christmas.

Yeah, you fleshies have fun with that.

Home Again, Naturally

2007-12-23T15:55:00.000-08:00

Well, after a miserable week on the road, I'm finally home. I hate road trips, and I'm glad to be rid of it.

Of course, after I stepped in I realized I left the water running. And the neighbors were yelling at me, probably cause I crushed their cat in the driveway. And my email was full of 500 junk mail accounts. And there are cracks all over ceiling. And some fire damage I'm sure wasn't there before. And there's nothing good on TV. And 400 messages, all from political canidates telling me how stupid the other ones are. And the grass on my lawn is overgrown and ratty.

In fact, I hate this place. Maybe I'll go on a road trip...

Lying Online Polls

2007-12-21T08:52:00.000-08:00

I had intended to take this day off - this slaggin trip is more trouble than it's worth - but something came to my attention that has left me highly insulted.

39

That is, of course, disgustingly low. Of course, I would expect you losers to underestimate my abilities, but 39? That's just slaggin insulting. Last time I trampled a school, I took on 567 kids (the population of the school), and 34 teachers, as well as 26 cops, three swat vans, and a tank.

These polls you humans create are just ridiculous. Most include various tripe about 'how compatible with a vegetable are you', or 'which character from an obscure TV show that no one on Earth would possibly enjoy are you like' or 'what is your favorite season, like it matters or something.' Apparently you humans haven't thought of the concept of figuring these things out for yourself.

I found this one a little more interesting though: What are your Chances of Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse?

I'd be interested in seeing the average human result (less then 4%, I would guess) but I myself have no need to take such a test. I *survived* a zombie apocalypse, so I know. Ever hear of the Hate plague? I was unaffected entirely - though some say I was never cured, but really, I was just that hateful in the first place. Shows you, Optimus Prime. You can put your shiny Christmas Tree Ornament back in your chest now. Bah.

Driving a Big 'Ol Truck

2007-12-20T08:50:00.000-08:00

This driving trip has left me exhausted. I knew I should have blackmailed Astrotrain into taking me back. Grrr...

So, if there's one other thing I hate about driving (well, ok, there's a *lot* of other things), it's these slaggin Trucks that take up the entire freaken road, and ddo so at about 5 MPH. You'd think that if someone is paying you to haul all that junk, you could find a more efficient way to get them there then plodding along the middle of nowhere at speeds that only serve to tick everybody else off.

Now, to add to the insult, truckers are, and I say this truthfully, incredibly ugly, even for you fleshsacks. I know that's a blatant stereotype, but as often is the case when I make blatant stereotypes, I don't care. Honestly, I'm sure the word 'dumpy' was invented for these people.

But if there is one thing I could say about Truckers, is that I love truck stops. It's a buffet of destruction, all nice and lined up so I don't have to work hard to cause some big explosions. On second thought, that makes me as lazy as one of those fleshies, so forget making it too easy. I hate that. Bah.

Blah Blah Blah

2007-12-18T09:50:00.000-08:00

Driving along. Boring long road. Nothing to hate. Let's turn on the radio.

*click*

Hello, I'm Talking Head Number 1. I think I'm more important then I really am! You know that other loser? He sucks! He wants to sacrifice children to Satan himself, steal your money, and kick your puppy! I'm still more important then you, so I'll talk for about an hour about how much everything is being done wrong. First, who is the idiot who designed our weather system, huh? In fact-

*click*

I'm Talking Head Number 2, on your fair and balanced news station. We are fair and balanced, so let me just say that Talking Head Number 1 is, and I'm being balanced when I say this, a complete doodoohead with the intelligence of a turnip. Talking Head Number 1 may think I'm sacrificing children to Satan (January 12th, tickets on sale at our website, spectators welcome), but he wants to take your children, lock them in a closet, and let them rot for 12 years. And I say this policy is barbaric, and we should kill anyone who advocates it-

*click*

You know, I could get to like these guys. After my own spark, they are. But they need to be a little more hateful before they can get on my approved list. As it is, they're far to willing to wuss out. And fair and balanced? What kind of slag is that? Fair and Balanced should be the meeting of my fist and their face. Toughen up you fleshy losers, and really HATE. You skinbags all lack the courage to do that. Wusses.

Long Distance Driving

2007-12-17T09:47:00.000-08:00

It's a long way back home from Rhode Island, and these freeways are driving me crazy.

You see, as you've probably guessed, I hate driving. But I hate driving down slow freeways more. There's no other drivers to harass, annoy, or generally crush on these long, barren stretches of asphalt. I can muck up the roads for future drivers, but that gets boring after a while.

I don't actually hate driving in busy traffic - or at least, not as much. I know that's one of the few things you fleshbags consistently do hate, and it is something I completely understand - though, I can't imagine why you then elect to go through with it every morning. After all, what could be possibly more frustrating then sitting in one place unable to get where you are going? However, I have ways of coping. And by that, I do, of course mean 'clearing traffic with the most violent means possible.' That scoop on my front is good for these kind of things. You know those jerks on cell phones? Heh. Heh. Heh. If I could capture the look on their faces, I'd be the richest robot on this planet, with the possible exception of Bill Gates.

I've been tracking distance hurling records. I'm fairly sure I hold the record for the 'scoop car toss' at 423 feet. If anyone dares try and challenge my record, I'll gladly accept it. Assuming, of course, they survive to the face-off. I have ways of keeping that from happening.

Maybe I'll do that when I get back. Until then, it's a long boring road... Bah.

Security Details

2007-12-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

You know how they say Security guys are dumb? They aren't.

In addition to selling out our name to Children, Hasbro apparently also apparently hires Cybertronians as security guards. Now, I already hate these guys from my War Days, but them keeping me from entering Hasbro HQ was worse.

You would think that the kind of guys who fell for Megatron's idiot schemes on a daily basis would be easy to sneak by. But nooooo... They could tell right away that I was not a former Hasbro employee. Apparently, getting your name plastered over Hasbro packaging does not give you free rights to enter the building.

Neither does telling the truth work. I don't understand what the big deal is with letting an angry Decepticon into the Hasbro main building. I just wish to enter into some peaceful discourse with Hasbro's COO, Brian Goldner. Granted, it is unlikely he would survive such discourse, but that's what he gets for putting my name on those horrendous... things.

So, naturally, my discussion with these two Autobots escalated into a heated argument, and by the time all was said and done, I had been forcibly removed from Rhode Island, and barred from ever returning there. SOmething to do with excessive property damage. I didn't even touch the Hasbro building, though the shopping mall several blocks down got well demolished.

Since it's now obvious that I'm not going to get into Hasbro HQ that way, I find myself with a small bit of indecision. I hate Hasbro more than anything else at the moment, but I can't get into their HQ to express my displeasure. I shall ponder this for some time. You're safe for the moment Hasbro. For the moment.

If Primus had wanted me to Fly, He would have given me Jet Engines

2007-12-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

So I found myself with a need to get from one side of the country to the other, quickly. Now, I've got wheels, but A) I hate Road Trips, and B) I'm not fast enough. My vehicle mode couldn't outrun a Volswagon bug, much less get me to where I needed to be.

So, I called up an old war-buddy of mine (and by 'buddy', I mean I haven't killed him yet). The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Hey Astrotrain, you pathetic waste of Energon, get your tin can down here and give me a lift before I invert your face.'

Astrotrain: *Click*

I couldn't understand why he would turn down such a reasonable request. So I showed up at where he lives, kicked three femmebots out, and explained the terms to him personally, and whenever possible, painfully.

Finally, he relented, though he swore that he'd get Megatron on my case. Like I'm scared of that big lug or something. Anyway, the point is he flew me out here.

As you have probably guess by now, I hate flying. Nothing like having your processors inverted while cruising at near-light speed. It doesn't help that Astrotrain is pathetic pilot and doesn't like me very much (I can only wonder why). I'm fairly sure that the greater whole of that 'turbulence' was him doing loops just to spite me. I'm fairly sure my converters are still back home. The only thing that could have possibly made that trip worse would have been a run-in with an Autobot missile. Which, seeing as I haven't heard from Astrotrain since he left, probably happened on the way back. Good riddance, I hated him anyway.

Now, I'm pretty sure Hasbro HQ is around here somewhere. If you see an explosion on the news, it's probably me.

The Final Straw

2007-12-13T07:24:00.000-08:00

You had to do it, Hasbro, didn't you. It wasn't enough for the ugly repaint and the pathetic tiny thing. You not only had to throw me in a two-pack with Ironhide, but you had to drive my depression through the roof with... with... Oh sweet Primus, I can't say. You had to make me.... THIS!I can't go on anymore. That... sicking thing... My very spark... It is shattered....

No...

NO.

I WILL CONTINUE ON! Though the pain of my existence is insufferable, I swore to you fleshbags that I would show you why to Hate the entire Universe, and with Primus as my witness, that I shall do! I will not rest until all of you fleshbags suffer with me! My name is Bonecrusher and

I

HATE

EVERYTHING!

And Hasbro, you are NUMBER ONE on the list! Watch your back guys, Bonecrusher is COMING FOR YOU!

It's Not Easy, Being Green

2007-12-12T09:38:00.000-08:00

Two toys wasn't enough. No, Hasbro has not even begun to destroy my image properly.

You see, apparently there is this clause in the contract that states that not only are they allowed to turn my face to a misshapen plastic lump, but if they run out of robots to make toys of, they are allowed to make my first toy again, but this time in horrendously gaudy colors.
Isn't that the single ugliest color for a truck you've ever, ever seen? Apparently, I know have the ability to blend in well with green highways. Oh, I'm sure that will be useful.

What possible explanation could they have for this? Oh wait, here's the bio:
"Barely functional after his battle with OPTIMUS PRIME®*, BONECRUSHER crawled away from the scene of his defeat and hid. Effecting what few repairs he could on his own, he also removed his locator beacon and communications hardware, cutting himself off entirely from the other surviving DECEPTICONS®*. Fleeing south, farther and farther, he eventually found himself deep in the jungles of South America. Hidden in the most remote area on Earth, he is free to indulge his rage on the rainforest without interruption. "

Right. I crawled away with my head torn off and repaired myself. Did Hasbro watch this freaken film they paid for? For slagging Sludge sideways, can't you fleshbags comprehend that I died in the movie? I don't want to come back, and these repaints are the reason why!

Oh, how I dread the robot mode...
Wait... On my arms... is that... baby blue?

Excuse me, I have to go cry. Or kill myself. Maybe both.

Tiny Toys Made by Tiny Minds

2007-12-11T11:18:00.000-08:00

Of course, the last Bonecrusher 'action figure' abomination wasn't enough. Noooo, Hasbro had to get more out of their precious licensing deal. And you know who suffers for it? Me! That's who. They can just throw out all these horrendous toys as much as they want, but it's not their image they are ruining. No, it's big, dumb old Bonecrusher, who nobody cares if he looks stupid in plastic form. Oh, how I hate all of this.

So, in their efforts to get the most for their buck, Hasbro insisted on making multiple size classes of each toy. Now, they could have given me the giant tailgate-kicking class (like they gave to Brawl, probably as an apology for getting his name wrong), but instead the next size-class they put me out as was the 'humiliatingly small' class.
Awww, isn't it so.... so... disgustingly unpainted. Looks like Hasbro was too freaking lazy to even paint the wheels. And where's my tatoo? Ah well, at least they put the claw in the right place. Yuck. There I am, Bonecrusher the Micro Machine. I might as well curl up and die. But that isn't the worst part of it.
And I thought the last robot mode was bad. It's like they aren't even trying, Look at that face! Just look at it! Now look at my picture over to the right. Do those look remotely the same? No, they don't, and don't you dare tell me otherwise or I'll rip your arms off. And my poor feet, my poor, poor feet. My legs look like they were pulled off some lame Japanese robot from the 70s. And don't even get me started on those arms.

So, apparently it's ok to make someone look like... well, not them, for the sake of a toy. This is a philosophy that has to change. And by 'has to change', I mean 'Bomb Hasbro HQ'. Hrmm, I wonder how long it takes to get to Rhode Island from here.

Oh yeah, and these photos sucks. What's with that ugly blue thing in the background? I hate it. Make fun of the fool who made them here.

My Image, as Ruined By Toys

2007-12-10T08:56:00.000-08:00

Apparently, somewhere in the contract I signed, there was a clause that said 'Oh yeah, and Hasbro gets to horribly butcher your mug and shove it on a waste of plastic, for three year olds to abuse'. I wish I had known that ahead of time.

But once I found out the existence of these monstrosities, I knew I had to see one for myself, before I could go and trash Hasbro HQ in vengeance. So, after much searching, I found me.

This is the first thing I saw:
Ok, I suppose this isn't the most horrible thing in the world. I mean, sure the claws in the wrong place and mishapen, and they forgot my tatoo on one side (It is present on the other), but it's not the most horrible thing I've ever seen, this might not be too bad-

AIIIYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE! What have they DONE to me? They made me look like some sort of demented frog. Look at my scrawny little arms, it's pathetic! And that pose! What, are they trying to convey a message of 'I want to hug you'? I cannot believe a respected action figure franchise has done this to my image.

Even now, thousands of little children are playing with this thing, making my toy get killed by Optimus Prime because all it has is its special hugging powers. This is horrendous, a travisty, disgusting! Not that I expected better from you fleshbags, but man, if I didn't already loathe you with every fiber of my being, I certainly would now.

At least I got it better then Starscream.

This, however, is the least of their abominations. I'll show you what else they've done to me tomorrow. As for me, I need to go smash some buses. Or something.

TGIHY - Work out For Yourself what it Means

2007-12-09T11:01:00.000-08:00

One of my motto's is "Every day is a miserable day." I would hope you fleshy brain-sacks could realize this on your own, but without fail you always seem to be most cheerful during the weekend. I hate that, so it's time to tear down your misconception of the idea of a 'good weekend'.

Ah, a Friday afternoon. All the schoolchildren skipping toward their bus, free of the opressive teachers and the cruel schoolmates and the drug dealers behind the gym, ready to head home for a relaxing weekend of cartoons, games and sports. WRONG. Guess what kiddies, you've got a project due on Monday! And three tests and a quiz to top it all off! Watch as your carefree weekend disappears behind a stack of books and construction paper, trying to study the French Revolution (The only war where a country declared war on itself and lost) whilst, and at the same time, painstakingly trying to recreate the topography as an obscure country in Africa thats been at war with itself for twenty eight years (and is looking like it might join France up there).

And don't think adults have it any better. It's been a long, painful week full of disasters and rejections and fast-food dinners. But it's finally over, right? You could go out and have a good time, but noooooo, your boss wants that report done about last week, and if you don't have it done by Monday not only will you be fired, but executed as well, leaving your corpse in the middle of the desert where even the Buzzards don't want to touch it.

Of course, if you're not employed, you can go do self-destructive activities, like partying and drinking and destroying your insides bit by bit while throwing away the precious little amount of money you had saved up on gambling and wild woman until you wake up in a gutter somewhere, realizing you're about to get hit by a truck.

And the best part of all this is? Guess what, if you somehow survive the torture of a weekend, you still have the full week lying in front of you. And then another weekend for you to suffer through! Hooray for you, flesh sack! I hope you enjoyed the weekend, and by enjoyed, I mean 'Got hit by a car'.

Architectural Waste of Space

2007-12-08T10:48:00.000-08:00

Today, I shall be critiquing art and architecture, examing one of the greatest monuments to nothing that you silly fleshbags ever built. In short, that thing.

Lovely little piece of art there, isn't it. You call it the Eiffel Tower.

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE EIFFEL TOWER:
1) It is not the largest building in the world.
2) You have to pay a bunch of cash to climb the stairs.
3) It's a colossal waste of space.

Oh, where to begin? First off, this thing was built by a French guy, which should give you reason enough to hate it already. It would be easy to devote several entire volumes on why you should Hate the French, but please. I'm sure that's one thing you humans have covered enough already.

As I understand, this giant, ugly mound of steel was built for a fair of some sort, and then they forgot to take it down. Now, its sole purpose is to stand there and take up space, where something more useful could be built instead. And for that reason, it's now an iconic structure standing tall among the skyline of Paris, where people are free to ignore it at will.

But for some strange reason, they don't. I fail to understand why this eyesore of a tower is such an attraction to you people. Why anyone would pay cash to risk death climbing up a building like this is beyond me. That is one of the flimsiest looking towers I've ever run into - with a good solid push, I probably could knock it over. If you don't hear from me for a few days, that's probably where I am.

I can't believe you humans are proud of this thing. Large pointy towers do not great art make. Ugh, it's disgusting. I hate it.

But at least it's a bit more interesting then this thing. Look fleshlings, the Romans invented the arch way before you. Get over it already.

Water, Falling From the Sky

2007-12-07T09:24:00.000-08:00

Gene Kelly was a jerk, a disgustingly chipper fleshy among disgustingly chipper fleshys.

Cybertron doesn't have an atmosphere like Earth's, and more importantly, we don't have gluts of pooled water anywhere, so the concept of rain was foreign to us. Cybertronians don't like water in general - not for any real harmful reason, just cause it's unpleasant to have foreign liquids sloshing around your insides. So it won't cause us to melt or anything, like that worthless old hag from the spectographically schizophrenic flick with the short people. I hate short people. I'll be walking along minding my own slagging business when whoops, stepped on another short guy. Then everyone will get all indignant at me like it's my fault he jumped under my feet. Oh sure, blame the giant freaken robot. Like I don't have my own problems, slagging tiny people.

Back to rain. So, I don't like water in the first place. It causes my paint to run, especially my tatoo (seen over here to the right), and I have to get it reapplied - which I hate. Getting gallons dunked on you due to some cruel trick of nature? Unpleasant, at best.

But the worst part about this - what causes me to shudder with dread every time I see a cloud - is the sound. Have you ever heard water falling on a hollow pipe? Annoying, isn't it. Now imagine hearing that inside your, and imagine feeling that over your entire body (and in a huge body, no less) and imagine slowly going insane from the constant drops pounding on you over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER-

It's no wonder local property damage skyrockets when it starts raining. I hate the rain.

Hollywood

2007-12-06T15:50:00.001-08:00

The most common thing fleshings say to me - well, the second most common, the most common is screaming and running in fear - is 'Hey, I loved that Movie you were in.'

Well, despite being an international star because of it, 'that movie', which I shall not name, was one of the most horrible and degrading, in fact I dare say HATED, experience of my life. Never mind the 14 buses I had to smash through for that one shot, never mind the pain of getting your head nearly ripped off by Prime (Yes, that was actually me. They were too slaggin cheap to hire a stunt double. Yes, it did nearly get ripped off before movie magic took over. It really, REALLY hurt.), and never mind that the Director, one Mr.Bay, is an egotistical jerk who doesn't care how much his subjects suffer so long as he gets his shot (Oh how I hate him...), I'm still upset about the fact that I had to film a 40 minute car Chase sequence only to see it get trimmed down to 3. Three. Whole. Minutes. Time it if you don't believe me. I mean, what is that? I was all over the slaggin trailers, and that bus shot was the iconic shot for the movie! THREE MINUTES! Out of the entire 12 painful, horrible days I spent trying to film this 'perfect', 'glorious' chase sequence Michael Bay first sold me on (Actually, I hated the original idea too, but I needed the Cash.), all I get is two car flips and the bus smash.

This is, of course, typical of Hollywood as a whole. They love screwing working bots over. Not that it matters, since working bots don't deserve a days wages - fat, lazy slobs, all of them. I hate them all.

Now where was I? Oh yes. Michael Bay. After I finally saw that idiot film which in no way deserved the heaps of cash you organ sacks threw at it, I confronted Bay on why, exactly, my 40 minute chase scene had become three. I believe he said something along the lines of 'Budget Cuts'. After he the rescue workers removed his head from the steel beam I had implanted it in, he kindly informed me that I would not be back for the sequel. They had to fix two dents in that beam that day.

So now me, as a defunct actor, am hopping from studio to studio hoping for a decent role for a giant robot. The only offer so far has been for 'Transmorphers 2: Death Apocalypse Revisted', and also for this little project titled 'Go-Bots'. Needless to say, I am still unemployed, living on a measly Decepticon Veteran's salary.

In short, I hate Hollywood. Any questions? I thought not.

And One More Thing

2007-12-05T18:47:00.001-08:00

Despite the vast memory banks installed in every Cybertronian it is impossible for me to consider every single thing in all the Universe, or even this tiny wretched dust ball. So, suggest objects for me to vent my hatred on, and continue to do so. Everything in the Universe deserves to be hated, so give me something and I'll tell you why.

It Is Time to Do Something

2007-12-05T14:41:00.000-08:00

This is Dicken's fault. After witnessing the horror of the mis-aptly named 'A Christmas Carol' (There was no singing. Not that it would have made the story any better), I came to the realization that not one of you measly fleshbags truly know what 'hatred' is all about. I had hoped this Scrooge fellow would have been an inspiration to your pitiful race, but no, even he didn't have the understanding about what true hatred is.

It's a concept that is apparently too difficult for you morons to understand. Primus knows I've tried explaining it to you fools whenever I happen to run into one of you happy-go-lucky twits, but especially these days, with this wretched feeling of good cheer everywhere, it's time for me to put my foot down.

This blog exists solely to try and convey to you tiny-brained insects what it is like to hate and loath something to the very depths of your spark. I will be presenting case-by-case basis of just why you should be hating each and every single thing you encounter in your life. This may take awhile, but hey, I live for thousands of years, and its not like there's anything better to do while stuck on this miserable rock.

So, for the first bout of hatred, lets talk about this wonderfully incompetent tool you guys call 'blogging'. First off - what kind of stupid name is 'blogging' anyway? Which one of you monkey genius's thought of that? I don't want to know.

Anyway, this primitive method of internet posting is an effective tool for spreading around the mind-numbingly dull thoughts humans have. Unfortunately, it often degrades into unimportant nonsense like 'What music I am listening too' and 'How I am feeling at the moment.' (Answer: Angry.) To all those who persist in things such as that, do you actually think anybody cares what your listening too? That on the scale of galactic importance, your feelings even measure on the 'I wasted my time to read that'? No! Unless you're in the hobby of amusing Sharkticons (A dull task I can tell you), I strongly suggest you knock it off.

Now, this Blogging mechanism is not even a truly effective tool. Attempting to put this page together was a frustrating effort in futility. What kind of interface is this, when one cannot even upload the most handsome picture of himself, and must instead use the one where his eyes are clearly closed? What do you MEAN, you won't accept .HGIR image files? HoloGraphic Image Representations are the Holographic Standard across the entire galaxy! I mean, I know you fleshbags are primitive, but COME ON! And this 'drag and drop' interface. It lies. I dragged and dropped this machine all over the place and it did nothing. NOTHING. Well, it did change to a blue screen once, but that wasn't the desired result. How utterly frustrating this thing is. I hate it. I hate it so much that I almost don't want to touch this again. But, I swore to make you humans understand what hatred truly is, so alas, I shall return with more things I hate. Hopefully, you twits will learn something from my suffering.